it's eating away at me. i thought maybe, just maybe, this time could be different. i think i think that every time. they all say the same thing about my past relationships. you had low self esteem. and then this happens. my crazy can't handle them and they can't handle my crazy. i love you i hate you, i hate you i love you, i need you you don't need me. it's all the same. i just want him to be there when my world is falling apart. that's what every girl wants. my world falls apart more often. i want him to call me back when he says he will. i want to feel like a priority in his immediate future, not just some generic someday. i want to know why i can't be normal. don't jump down my throat for that. fine, i want to know why i can't be healthy. i have tried 50 different medications, three hospitalizations, four if you count the one that was a non suicidal near fatal overdose. i've tried one on one therapy, group outpatient. i could run a psychoanalysis group session at this point. i can tell you all the coping skills. i can't implement any of them yet. i'm not going to learn this where i am. i hoped that this time would be different though, there were new ideas on what was wrong, new approaches to treatment, more therapy, less focus on medications. i thought maybe, maybe this time i could love someone and keep them. it's these tiny little things that eat away at me. six weeks and he couldn't find a way to get here. i know the travel isn't something that sounds fun, but it was timing and then money and then timing and then money and then money and timing. i feel like i'm not worth the time. those low self esteem issues... i don't care how good i say i look on a particular day, and even that. i won't get into that. suffice to say that only made me feel worse. keep looking forward he says, keep looking to the future, when i can't look past the hour or the day. i have nothing concrete to look forward to. nothing. he tells me to look forward when i don't think he wants to be with me even now. he tells me this isn't the case. but who the fuck says "you're right, i really don't, you're a fucking pain in my ass and i'm not going to take it" to someone the same day they say i love you. some friends tell me i'm being paranoid, other friends say who knows what he doesn't say. and then i get more paranoid. thanks for that btw. i sound like a whiny emo bitch so i'm just going to post this and move on. it's not like anyone besides aradia, pedro, raistlin and some friends from an exlounge read these regularly anyway... do they? ah well, i love the five of you enough to count for all of you.
~sin