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First things first:

1. I am not writing this in vengeance

2. I do not want you to try to convince me I'm wrong, EVERY person that has tried to BOOST my ego from here has destroyed it again - hence this blog.

3. I really just need to vent this out, and bless you if you read it because you'll end up knowing me deeper than anyone has ever tried.

 

Please don't leave "comments" on this, i'll just end up deleting them. 

 

Ok, show of hands. Who among us has been picked on (a LOT) when in school? Who has trusted people that you found out too little too late didn't deserve that trust? Who has believed someone when they were told "I love you" by someone who "doesn't just say things like that,"and has "really been hurt" by love in the past? If you answered "no" to any of these, please don't pass judgment until you have walked a mile in our shoes. And furthermore, if you have CAUSED pain to another by doing any of these things, hopefully this will inspire you to do the right and honorable thing...

 

I'm married, that's been established. 10 years on August 5. My parents were so against the wedding my father wasn't going to even come, and my mother woke up by saying "This is the worst day of my life" in the hotel room I was sharing with her...What a beautiful start to a happy future!! If I knew then what I know now, I'd have listened to them. That, however, is a different blog.

 

I certainly didn't join fubar to meet "the love of my life" or a soulmate or anything of the kind. However, sometimes things just happen. Some of these times you want to choke fate and turn a .50 cal on luck. I've made some WONDERFUL friends on here, some I really do regard as family, since mine is so small!! Some of the guys have always jokingly said things about "if you weren't married"... but I always just ignored them because I despise, abhor, loathe, and am completely disgusted by the way I look out of clothing (and in most clothing. I understand my friends' need to tell me I'm wrong, which in some eyes I might be... but in MY eyes, I'll never get a compliment I can take without trying to argue it. This makes me high-maintenance, and i know it. It's why i avoid getting into "relationships" - online or otherwise. I tend to be clingy, easily-depressed, needy, etc. But tell me - if you had felt like one big mistake your entire life, would you have any well of self-confidence to draw from??

 

The way I've seen it explained best, is we're born with a certain number of "cups" in us, that have all of our emotions. Anger, Love, Caring, Empathy, Fear, Self-Confidence... Those around us draw from and give to these cups in everything that takes emotion. If someone makes you cry, they add to the sadness cup, as well as any others that played into the sadness - maybe fear, for example. They also draw from other cups - like self-confidence, happiness, patience, love... which is why (especially in women) an argument with a loved one is so draining, emotionally spiritually and physically!! 

 

Well, we rely on many different sources to "fill" the good cups, and help keep the bad cups at a manageable level (depression, anger, self-loathing...). Our family, our friends, even our children can help to a point - but it's not really their place. An unhealthy person looks to their family to "fix" what's wrong in them, or make them feel better, instead of working at it themselves - a lot like those always asking for help with leveling, but who you never see  rating or commenting others to help them (or help themselves, for that matter - i gained almost all my last million points by "liking" people! and gained some great new friends thanks!!)

 

For those among the readers that are Christian, the term "Pharisee" might ring a bell, it might even make sense. To those who are non-Christian, don't worry, there's no secret Bible lesson here, just a really good example of people who were very selfish and hypocritical. Pharisees liked to make sure everyone knew how "good" and "pious" they were in their religiousness. They would make sure they looked terrible if they were fasting for a religious holiday, or pray loudly in the temple so others would hear and thing they were great. In today's English, we'd call them anything from braggarts to show-offs or make comments about them (especially the men) needing to "compensate" for lacking in other departments. My family and husband are primarily this way, sadly. Always worried "what will other people think?!?!" instead of worrying what's BEST for the people involved!!

 

For what it's worth, I found the most amazing man I'd ever met. We were quickly friends on a deep level, thinking alike on many topics and being both intelligent enough to debate the others without either feeling the need to "win" - just curious as to the other's reasons why. I could feel myself feeling love for him, but forced myself to keep it to myself, because of a very difficult relationship he'd gotten out of. I endured hearing tales of his romantic and sexual escapades with other women, while I sat there crying my silent tears after hanging up the phone. I remember distinctly the night that all changed. He'd been out drinking with friends, and I was home alone for the weekend. I'd put the kids to bed and answered the phone, nearly dancing around the room like Liezel in The Sound of Music when they're out in the gazebo... We talked for a long time, then he said he needed to get sleep so we said goodbye. I drifted off a little, only to be startled awake by the phone again... He couldn't sleep, could only think about me, and it was driving him crazy. He claimed to have very deep feelings for me, and by now I knew how he hated the word "love" and had just come to the realization he would never feel that for me.That's when my life changed forever. He said "Randi, I LOVE YOU" and I, of course, said "Brentt, you're drunk." We went back and forth until he had me finally convinced that there might be something there in his heart for me, but I wouldn't be convinced until he showed me over time that it wasn't just a ploy to get me there with him to become his personal little sex toy. I'd had a man do that to me once before, and wasn't about to go through that kind of hell again with my family!

 

We had some issues with my husband trying to get between us after I admitted how I felt (and that the feelings were reciprocated), and didn't talk for a long while - mostly because I thought it was my little jealous streak that had turned him against me.  Eventually, though, I couldn't go on with my guilt, I needed to be forgiven. So I found a way to ask him, and we talked and cried for hours. After that, for a few weeks at least, he was even MORE loving toward me. Offered to have me come out to where he was living to see him, left "possessive" comments on my pics "marking his territory," posting things I made with our names and pictures in hearts with song lyrics that so perfectly described our feelings... Publicly making me his own. I had a screen saver on my cell phone that read "Marine's Girl" so every time I'd look at my phone I'd think of him and smile!

 

Apparently all this was a Pharisee-like act. He was actually "seeing" someone "local." I was lining up everything I'd need to afford living on my own and supporting my kids so I could get a divorce and be with him - since it's all we talked about. Having children together, what we'd name them, where we've always wanted to live, what colors we wanted the wedding to be... 

 

Do you see where this is leading? It's leading me on. It's drawing me into this fairy tale, and building a fantasy world around me with smoke and mirrors so he can quickly disappear like an illusionist to move on to the next girl. I have a feeling I know who he passed over for me, and can guarantee to the girl that comes after me he won't stop. 3 songs come to mind especially, though there are a few more I'll post lyrics for as well. Please, read these through. Maybe you'll learn a little more about me. Then read my last paragraphs about what I want, need, and deserve in a relationship before you even bother trying to seduce me.

 

"Best Days Of Your Life"
(Kellie Pickler)


'Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind
From the day we met till you were making me cry
And it's just too bad you're already had the best days
The best days of your life

Ain't it a shame
A shame that every time you hear my name
Brought up in a casual conversation
You can't think straight?

And ain't it sad
You can forget about what we had
Take a look at her and do you like what you see
Or do you wish it was me?

I'll be there in the back of your mind
From the day we met to the very last night
And it's just too bad you've already had the best days
The best days of your life

And does she know
Know about the times you used to hold me
Wrapped me in your arms and how you told me
I'd be the only one?

I heard about
Yeah, someone told me once when you were out
She went a little crazy, ran her mouth about me
Ain't jealousy funny?

'Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind
From the day we met to the very last night
And it's just too bad you've already had the best days
The best days of your

Life with me was a fairytale love
I was head over heels till you threw away us
And it's just too bad you've already had the best days
The best days of your life

I heard you're gonna get married, have a nice little family
Live out my dreams with someone new
But I've been told that a cheater is always a cheater
So I've got my pride and she's got you

'Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind
From the day we met till you were making me cry
And it's just too bad you've already had the best days
The best days of your life

Of your life, oh, oh yeah
You're gonna think of me
You're gonna think of me in your life
Oh, oh yeah

It's a shame, it's a shame
it's a shame, it's a shame, it's a shame, it's a shame 

 

"Didn't You Know How Much I Loved You"

 (Kellie Pickler)

I remember the way you made love to me
Like I was all you'd ever need
Did you change your mind
Well I didn't change mine
Now here I am trying to make sense of it all
We were best friends now we don't even talk
You broke my heart
Ripped my world apart

Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby
I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you
Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby
Baby, tell me
Didn't you know how much I loved you

I can't get you out of my head
I still feel you in this bed
Left me all alone
You couldn't be more gone
From falling apart to fighting mad
From wanting you back to not giving a damn
I've felt it all
I've been to the wall

Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby
I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you
Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby
Baby, tell me
Didn't you know how much I loved you

One day justice will come and find you
And I'll be right there in your memory to remind you

Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby
I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you
Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby
Baby, tell me

Didn't you know how much I loved you
Didn't you know how much I loved you, baby
I gave you everything, every part of me
Didn't you feel it when I touched you
Didn't I rock you when I loved you, baby
Baby, tell me
I gave you everything, every part of me 

 

"Undo It"

 (Carrie Underwood)

I should have known by the way you passed me by
There was something in your eyes and it wasn't right
I should have walked, but I never had the chance
Everything got out of hand and I let it slide

Now I only have myself to blame
For falling for your stupid games
I wish my life could be
The way it was before I saw your face

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
And I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it
You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it

Na, na, na-na, na
Na, na, na-na, na
Na, na, na-na, na, na

Now your photos don't have a picture frame
And I never say your name and I never will
And all your things, well I threw them in the trash
And I'm not even sad

Now you only have yourself to blame
For playing all those stupid games
You're always gonna be the same
And, oh no, you'll never change

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
And I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it
You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it

Na, na, na-na, na
Na, na, na-na, na
Na, na, na-na, na, na

You want my future, you can't have it
I'm still trying to erase you from my past
I need you gone so fast

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
And I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it
You had my heart, now I want it back
I'm starting to see everything you lack
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it

You stole my happy, you made me cry
Took the lonely and took me for a ride
Boy you blew it, you put me through it
I wanna uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-undo it 

 

Thanks for reading those, I feel every word of them to my very soul. I feel the anger of "Undo It" combined with a little of her other song "Before He Cheats" - where she says "I might've saved a little trouble for the next girl, 'Cause the next time that he cheats, oh, you know it won't be on me..."

 

Lastly, I think you all deserve a little insight into me. I'm in my 30s, with 2 kids, and ADHD. I need structure, I need someone who is able to  help me make decisions and not just bombard me with more questions. I need someone who is worthy of my trust, and will love, honor, cherish, and guide me while being careful not to disturb my delicate balance of what's left of my ego and what's left of my heart. I'll never understand why you think I'm even remotely attractive, I'll never get enough of hearing compliments, or having advances made on me to remind me of your love and desire. If these are given to me, by a patient, kind, loving man (who knows that the opposite is sometimes desired in the bedroom), I will likely worship the ground he walks on - and i'll finally be giving that attention to a man that deserves it!

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