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I haven't got a clue!!!!
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August 10, 2005
I would have finished writing a paragraph and i still
would not know what blog stands for. Well....what the heck, i think it's
just logging in whatever u have in mind. . What am I ??? Better yet,
Who am I ? I asked myself. Most of the time I succeeded in leaving the
thought behind and saving it for later. Other times I ended up feeling
frustrated and infuriated after hrs of laying in bed tossing and turning
coming up with absolutely nothing , when I should have been counting
jumpin' sheeps to put myself to sleep. This vicious cycle slowly became
the chronic and sole reason why I constantly ended up just barely
starting to sleep at 5:00 am when I had to get myself up and ready for
gruelling 7-3 morning shift at a funky looney infested crazyhouse. My
precious SLEEP had abandoned me at night, turning me into a full pledged
insomniac trying to make it in the morning juggling things ,wether it be
at work or at home. One night,a thought just popped out of nowhere,
another one that lingered in my head till the wee hours of the morning " Am
I a free spirit ? or am I lost soul ? I figured that if at least I
could pick out one from the two, then i'd be able to move on and get out
of the rut I was in .Well what do I know...I still could not pick from
the two. Indecision, fickle mindedness LOTS of familiar episodes like
that in my life . I think I'm one of those people that kinda lean
close to the middle ground and just decide not to decide especially when
it is most important to do so. Although...... when i come to think of
it ,that is the only trait of mine (call it being a procrastinator,
safe sidetaker, DEDMA or just plain jane slow thinker ) that helped me
survive AMERICA. I may not have found the finchi that a whole lot of
people got comfortable with, the finchi that my friends hung out with,
and the finchi that my family gave unconditional love to and never ending
patience and understanding....but along the way, I found a more simple
yet complex person, more sensitive yet calloused heart,. It is
startling what just came to mind right now... That no matter what I do, no
matter how hard I reminisce about my past..... and no matter what
people call me , or should i say .....which ever name people decide to
call me, wether it be FINCHI OR JOAN, I'm still me as i know ME. And i
get to decide who to acknowledge and who to ignore. .....!!!!!!!!
To most of you I am finchi Julaton, but i am also Joan Hernandez to my
co workers, friends and to my husband and 2 kids. Of course they know
that whenever we are in Pinas, I'm called finchi. And when we come
across people that call me "finch", my daughters look at each other
mimic and giggle, as my first born would say it "she called mom finch,
she's got to be an old old friend or blood". But going back to my
startling discovery .. I think I just might be a free spirit that's pretending
to be a lost soul ..... Siguro I'm just tired, pooped, and burnt out
with my stinky dinky pathetic excuse for life. What a joke !!! I am
so sick and tired of sugarcoating almost everything to please people
around me , sick of being a push over, setting aside my wants for the sake
of my needs. I must be a darn great pretender or I must be wearing a
darn good mask coz the people around me seem to think that I'm such a
level headed individual, someone that does not make rash decisions
overnight or I'm this lovely can't do no wrong wife and mom. On the contrary
, I am just a big box of lies. It makes me want to scream, hit my head
so I'd get out in the open. I can guarantee 1 fact I'm not lying about
, and I'm certain of ...I love my kids above all.... Screw this. I
really don't want to think anymore, my head is literally pounding .
Freakin' migraine got me again.Why? Because right now it's already 4:48 am
and it's almost time to sleep again. Not that worried about my
migraine, a couple of exedrines will take care of it in matter of ten
minutes. What pisses me off is I stayed up again picking my stupid face for
nothing. Fuck it ! They said soul searching will lead me to finding
myself. I know who I am, and I know what I really am. A COWARD THAT
NEEDS TO SLEEP.
August 10, 2005 | Permalink | Comments (0)
