I should think it suicidal, my desire for escape. Although it is not the death of my body that I long for but the death of the decisions that have lead me to the desire. I accept that suffering is as it should be, a notion that gives me strength to continue because I am constantly waging against this emotion and therefore I am more honorable by comparison. Should I have ignored this fact, and instead accomplished my own desires, where would the suffering of my soul be then? Lost I suppose, lost with the desire for suicidal escape.