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I should think it suicidal, my desire for escape.   Although it is not the death of my body that I long for but the death of the decisions that have lead me to the desire.  I accept that suffering is as it should be, a notion that gives me strength to continue because I am constantly waging against this emotion and therefore I am more honorable by comparison.  Should I have ignored this fact, and instead accomplished my own desires, where would the suffering of my soul be then? Lost I suppose, lost with the desire for suicidal escape.
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