The rage over the events of today is still building inside of me. I have no idea why i have let what was said get the better of me but it has. The best thing to have done would have been to not of opened that IM and just let it go right? Well haha thats easier said than done when you are humiliated, degraded, betrayed, rigidly cold, heart broken that someone would even fathom to say the things they have said to me today. I cannot even express my rage towards this person right now. possibilities of ever being friends again are for now and some time probably very much out of the picture.
I was supposed to be the better person in this situation and just let it go, but how can you let something go that rips down your dignity? It was like this person took salt and poured it all over an open wound...
I will say this, everything i said to and about this person still stands true until i get an apology. They owe me this much. Until then, do not expect me to be the one to go to you with one. I wasnt the one who started this shit to begin with. I just made it worse by helping it along with those things that i have said. But i did not come to this person and start attacking them. Up until then, i had no reason to retaliate the way that i was forced to do today. No reason.
I love Rich with all my heart and anyone who knows the real me knows it sure as hell isnt because he has money. And anyone who believes that is stupid and just needs to keep their fucking mouths shut when they have no idea what the hell they are talking about in the first fucking place. Plain And Fucking Simple.
I'm feeling anger to a degree that i have never once felt before in my life. I could have easily broke this person down with only a few simple words. But i didn't. Yes, i chose to say some things that may have been rude so to speak. But i was choosing my words carefully because i knew if i didnt otherwise, things could have turned out much worse than they already have. I just left it at what i said and then i left it alone. But as i have said, for every action there is a reaction.
In my case, my reaction wasnt the best but it's what i had to do in order to keep myself from smashing someone's face in. Yes, that is how full of rage iam. I'm still shaking with anger from this, can't count the cigarettes i have smoked to calm the inner rage that has decided to come forth and still hasnt decided to dwindled down to at least anger.
It really broke me down. Something that words like that shouldnt exactly do but some of the things they have said reminded me of the person i have strived to not become.
This will definately take a long time to get over. I predict many many months, maybe even years to forgive. Once you have really pissed me off and i feel like im going to explode at any moment, it's hard for me to forgive and most likely forget. I'll probably never forgive this person for what they have caused for me today. If i ever do, they would have to become a fucking saint to get my respect back. Because right now all the respect that i had(which wasnt much to begin with after all the stuff that they have said and then done after they said they werent going to do it in the first place) has gone out the fucking window.
No one has the right to attack someone's dignity like what this person has done. No one. I have never once attacked someone the way that this person has. Until today.
Do i feel bad? let me say this: I only feel bad because it made the one person i love and care about the most very very upset over this. I do not however feel bad for the things that i have said to the person that started this in the first place. Not until i get an apology letter or call, as i have said before, everything still stands true.
I hate it to be this way, but sadly it has come to be.
And to the people who tell me to just let it go, if you were in my shoes and had to go through all the shit i went through today, you might just understand why this has been so very upsetting for me.
So after all that has been said and done, the thing i'am going to do is ignore this person completely.
Irritants are to be avoided much like most other things....
