I dont understand why this happened to me. I mean was I such a terrible person that God decided to take the one person who truly loved me for me away? Kyle was such an amazing person and he loved me no matter what I did wrong, no matter how bad we hurt each other we stuck it out. I never imagined in a million years this is the way things would have turned out ya know. I know that I should take the ring off of my wedding ring finger and try to get through this but I can't. Everyone keeps saying to get over it, but you don't get over something like this, you have to try your hardest to get through it! I'm not even doing that very well. I was walking through the store the other day and I smelled his cologne and I lost it. I completely fucking broke down in the middle of the store! It's been 10 months. 10 fucking months tomorrow! I can still remember the pain of when it first happened. I'll never forget it. I just wish I could though, I wish I could forget how bad it hurt and maybe let myself care about someone! I deserve to be happy, I know I do but I won't let myself because HE took his own life. I know that I will always love him, but why damn it why! It's not that I dont want to love him, I just want to love him with him being here. I dont want to love his memory, I dont want him to only exist in my dreams, I can't sleep enough for that. I have to look at my little girl EVERYDAY and know that she will never get to know her dad and that he will never get to know her! It just isn't fucking fair!! Not even just for me but for KyLeigh. Why does she get punished and not get to know her dad? She never did anything..hell she wasn't even born yet. Why did God do this! My poor daughter has to go her whole life not knowing what a wonderful person Kyle is.. well was!!
