I cant sleep at all and its about 1 in the morning. i had a long day friday. getting bad news right after i get up in the morning then seeing my son being sick with the little flu shit in which he is okay since he took his nap but have to see how he is when he wakes up. i cant sleep mainl because my mom passed away the same day i turn 24 and cant seem to wonder if it was a bad thing or a good thing. i just cant help but wonder if there was a reason for her dying on my birthday or if it was just unexpected and wish i knew. i keep pondering the situation even if i try so hard not to think about it and it hurts to know that right now. i cant keep from thinking about my mom because i havent seen her for the last several weeks because of the situation at their house because two people there are being asses acting like i never loved my mom. I knew that she was termanilly ill and im not able to cope with the situation of someone dyin right in front of my face and people think im selfish that i dont care. there must have been a reason why things are the way they are and must be a reason why i had to leave because i couldnt deal with seeing her the way she was. being so skinny that it hurt me to see, seeing her eat very little and still loosing more weight and seeing her look like a skeleton to me. it just basically took me back to looking a my grandmother before she died a year or two later. i dont know anymore and wish i knew the answers. i just wish that things could have been better or different but i cant change them. i cant change what is and whats not. i am so fed up with trying to understand why things happen in the first place and it bothers me that i wasnt able to see her at all.
sorry for my rantings i am so tired, yet cant fall asleep and my mind is off
