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What are you waiting for?
I've got a bad case of the 1:00 am guilts - you know, when you lie in bed awake and replay all those things you didn't do right? Because, as we all know, nothing solves insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression and self-loathing.To me there is nothing quite so terror-inducing as the loss of sleep. It creates phantoms and doubts, causes one to questions one's own abilities and judgement, and, over time, dismantles, the body from within leaving only a shell of your former self. How have I become so broken? Where do I even begin to start anew? Will the past continue to haunt me regardless, am I doomed to wander the dark oblivion, trapped, within the shattered pieces of my mind? I concede to the guilt......to the darkness...........forever a lost soul
There's no one to hold me, And no one to turn to; There's no one there to dry my tears. I continue, And will, Be tortured for many more years. I'm sick of blurred vision, But I just can't quit crying- If you could know me inside, you'd know that I am Dying... I'm sick of this torture; Sick of this pain- I can't go much further been Praying in vain. You're watching me wither, You're watching me cry; But really did you know you are watching Me Slowly die... My façades will soon wear out And you'll ask me yet again "What is wrong?" Not thinking twice, How much I've put up with, And how long it has continued on. I've been wishing for happiness Which in turn, turned too bitter- Yet I've been waiting for so long... I want to escape this torture; This torture I call myself. But it will continue to haunt me, No matter how much I fight it, it stays with me For eternity. I'm sorry that I cannot keep up with this pace; I'm falling far behind Of this horriblw race That we all call our "Life." You're watching me fight And you're watching me fail. You're seeing me struggle And to no prevail. Today I let loose, Today, I broke down; I let my guard shatter, I almost even swallowed my crown. But look closely and notice what you're actually seeing Is me, not redeeming; I'm slowly wearing out, I slowly stopped trying. What you really see, Is me, but dont bother i'm dying.....................
It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human. It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul, if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence. I want to know if you can live with failure, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Here I stand!”It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after a night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done.It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.
What have you done to me?
A shadow of misery as emotions disappear.
Once we drank of bliss,
hand in hand and innocent,
but your love perished.
A sickening cloud of lies -
emotions follow memory, follow pain,
love forgotten.
In a haze of hatred,
I see you.
I must go away, in this noxious world of yours I cannot smile.
With my smothered lips and the poisoned kisses, my poignant heart that bleeds on your floor. When the weeping ghosts underneath our bed grab my crucified feet. From such fabled bliss, I was coldly awakened. And when in silence, my powder blue sky is abruptly overshadowed, by the black clouds of my burning soul. Who will paint a road in Calvary for me to follow? It is not that I do not love you, but loving you more than I love myself, has proven to be the end of my book. So many torn pages, unfinished lines.
Unredeemed. To live, I must amputate the author of my destiny. and start anew, like a phoenix freshly risen from the ashes.
