Orgoglio Italiano's blog: "I Can't Stop Thinking"

Ever got that feeling that the one you want will give you another chance, forgive you and be with you? Only to have that destroyed by her getting with someone she was fighting with? That's what happened with me. I don't know what else to do. So I give up. I'm done with relationships. If I have to be by myself for the rest of my sorry ass life, then so be it.

I try to remain optimistic and it doesn't work. I try to focus on anything that's positive but it just doesn't work. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to even wake up. I'd like to just stay in the dark and forget about everything. For every one thing positive, seven negative things come at me. I need a break and I can't get it. I'm losing my mind and I feel weak. I've always believe that every bad thing you do comes back to you. I'm trying to think what I've done in the past that's catchin up with me. Everyone has a breaking point and I think I'm close to it.

What defines a man? Is it the ability to be forward and lead? Is it standing up for those who can't do it themselves? Is it being there for your woman no matter what? Is it beating her and letting her know her place? Is it getting drunk, watching football and liking blondes? My definition of a man is doing what needs to be done, regardless of how I come out in the end. I don't pick on the weak, I help them up. I respect a woman not because of how she looks, but because she's able to take care of her and her two kids by herself. I'd like to think of myself as almost a man, because I still have a lot to learn but even thought I'm almost a decent person..the girls I think I deserve ignore me or just call me a friend. Where the losers who will beat them, steal from them and all that not only get them, but the girls actually LOVE them. Something isn't right.

It's hard when someone says that they used to love you. Once you hear that, your heart almost shuts down and you just want to die. This is someone I lost my virginity to, someone I actually loved, someone I spent almost 2 years with. But it's not her fault to be honest. It's all mine. I could never make up my mind and I ruined her life. I've lost a great thing and I don't know how to react. I'm losing it over here and no body knows it but me. All this is staying bottled up. I feel..rejected, lost, and like I could just disapear and everything would be ok.