Annelid's blog: "Ramblings,thoughts and assorted stuff"

Everything is schiesse. Life for me is a endless string of crappy events broken up by occasional sleeping. I'm tired...physically and emotionally. I can't take it anymore...really. I've sat down and took stock of my life and g0d, I've accomplished nothing. I have no one. I am nothing. I joke a lot about things...I guess that's my way of masking my pain. A wall of sorts. Ever see yourself in a situation, or a setting? I don't . I wish I had that cheery bright eyed out look on things...but I don't. I've tried to put myself in a good mental state..but it's all for naught. Little things set me off...push me into that funk. Ever walk around and see people happy? In love? Holding hands? Smiling..I envy those people so. I really do. Then I look at myself... and realize..it's always been this way. I guess I shouldn't beat myself up over it and accept it is for what it is. I suppose when one accepts one's fate it's liberating. I'm still waiting for that liberation. I can't forsee me going on much longer like this (take it anyway you'd like to). I mean,what's the point? More sadness? More late nights sitting in front of a computer? Sitting in bed and just feeling sorry for myself? Making idle banter on a computer with a screen name? Or knowing that you have no self worth? Like I said, I'm not planning anything rash but one must keep one's options open. It's like having a bad meal or seeing a bad movie. Does one sit there and shovel the food in or push the plate away? Does one sit there through the movie or get up and go? Perhaps these aren't the best examples but you get the idea. I have no ideas... Or asperations...anymore. Or dreams...g0d I used to love to dream. Dreams are great..it's just waking to the cold reality is what's scary. As I was once was told...don't fear death..it's inevitable...death isn't scary.. living is.