Now, I am not usually one that brings the intimate details of my life onto Myspace, but I have to fucking vent.
I've spent the last week or so milling about, because I felt like I had made a great mistake. This mistake was breaking up with my pregnant girlfriend.
I thought that breaking up would allow us some time to cool our heads, and possibly be less angry with each other.
WAIT! Let me back up a bit..
When we first got together, I was "a lot more attentive and caring." I supposedly only did it to get her. Then it turned to me being attentive because my computer was around. As my being a computer nerd, and liking to waste hours on here and playing games. As my being a bit anti-social. As my preferring only to be in the prescense of others, and not exactly there. I could've sworn I told her this. But I didn't, obviously.
We argued. She did it for attention, she claims. She called me names, again for attention. She hit me. A lot. Again, for attention. I hate being picked with, for usually no apparent reason. I hide away. I go play video games, listen to music, and generally ignore the world around me. This made things worse. She didn't realize that I hate being targeted. I guess I didn't realize that she was needy. (WTF???)
It reached a boiling point. She's 6 months pregnant. I am doing my usual. Playing games. She comes in. Her FUCKING MOM WHO ALWAYS STARTS SHIT, tells her that I was in the living room and jumped up when she came out of her room. Well, usually, when you hear tripping and loud swearing, you jump up to see what's happening. But this was me trying to mask something that I was doing. I am usually the wrong one. Even when I am completely oblivious to what's happening. She comes in to "confront" me.
We argue again. She starts screaming. I stand up. We get in each others faces. She balls up her fist. First instinct.
I push her down.
Yes, I know, I am a coward. Pushing a defenseless 5 month pregnant female down. Even though she hit me several times before, and claimed that she couldn't possibly hurt me. Even though I wasn't trying to knock her down.
Oh well. I was shocked with myself. Scared, maybe even disgusted. My dad beat my mom, most of my childhood. But that's another story. I just don't like my dad very much.
I left. I went back to my apartment. I sat. I stood. I paced. I cried...
Yes, I did. I had did something I swore that I'd never do. I apologized. We argued again. I left again. I left all of my belongings at her place. Her moms? Whatever. They left, and I had to work that night. I had nothing to wear. I went to CVS and got a Colts Championship shirt (FUCK THE COLTS!), and wore that to work. The next morning, I call there, and her mom, doing the usual, makes me feel like a fucking super villain. I just wanted my shit back. And it took fucking forever for that to happen.
A week goes by, and I go to the ultrasound. It's a boy. Fucking yay.
We decide to try it again.
I go to see my mom for mothers day. She informs me that Tiffany called her and told her that I was beating her and verbally abusing her (wtf?). So, naturally, I get super pissed. I even tell her I hate her.
We break it off again. At this point, I know I love her. I also know that we need a LITTLE more time away from each other. So, that's what I do.
Time.
One of our greatest possessions. Can never have too much time. Ahh, I decide a few weeks later that I need to tell her that I am lost without her. That I'd lose myself, if I lost her.
Guess what?
SHE FUCKING FOUND SOMEONE ELSE?
How in the fuckingfairyfuckfartfruit sauce does that happen?
She doesn't attempt to talk to me in those weeks, so she finds some random jackass loser that hangs out with her ex druggie friends?
Yeah, fuck this.
I poured my heart out to her. I told her my real feelings. I sat back at work and pondered my situation. I slowly went from being heartbroken to insanely pissed.
Why did I do that to myself? I wanted to mend things. I was willing to drop everything for her. I would've morphed into a completely different person. But, really....
Who wants someone who can find another man in 3 weeks?
