Kylebusa's blog: "Nameless"

God Damn it! I am so frustrated right now that all I feel like do is breaking stuff. I went out into the woods near my house with an axe and cut down 3 trees last night. Did it make me feel any better? Not a damn bit. After that i came back instide and took a shower. While i was in the showerI happened to notice that my hand were shaking, not really sure why though. Could have something to do with me being angry but, who knows? Acutally the more I think about it, The more I come to realize that my frustration is being cause by the fact that It has almost been a year since my Ex wife decided she wanted to fool around with her co workers and our personal trainer. Not no mention drink every night and start doing drugs and shit. Se always said she loved trees. I guess that is why i cut them down.  Maybe i am just lonely?  Every one keeps telling me to " Get out an meet new people"... That is easier said, than done. I spent the last 5 years of my life looking into the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen. So Vibrant, so loving! It is amazing how in a matter of weeks they could turn into the coldest glare. Even now my heart Aches. That look of hers when she finally said we are over. I felt dizzy, my chest tightened I found myself short of breathe. If i had to describe it to someone i would have to say. It was as if i ceased to exist. The room started to spin...

I woke up laying on the kitchen floor a few hours later. The same place that she had broken to news to me. Didnt even bother moving me to the bed or the couch. I remember getting ready to walk out of the kitchen and seeing a letter on the table. As I am typing this my breathing has now become heavy and  tears have started to well in my eyes.  She gave me one day to get all of my things out of our house.  I hurt. I can not even begin to tell you how much i want this feeling to dissapate. I have tried to kill it with alcohol. It really does not work very well. I tend to remember things more vivdly while I am intoxicated.  I cant go out and try for a relatoinship, I feel like a sleaze. Or rather worthless. Thrown out by someone I spent five years with. Unwanted... That is worst king of lonliness. Not to mention it is rather hard trying to find a relationship in this age when " looks are everything." The feeling i have now is more of... A longing I suppose. A longing for companionship. All of the friends I had have either abandoned me or no longer care. I aboslutle DETEST feeling this way. I wish it would all just go away AS if i were to wake up from a horrible dream.  But i know that will never happen. It cant happen. Because THIS is reality. This is my LIFE. And for some reason, I am no longer in control...