I just cant seem to ease the pain i have... the physical and the emotional. i am searching for who i am, but i cant seem to find me. who am i? what is my purpose in life? what can i do that will make me feel happy and whole? who should i be with? i am just wishing that i could be happy, and i'm not really sure what happiness is right now. i have a lot of things i need to work out within myself before i can truly be happy with anyone, or make anyone happy and i know that, and i am trying. i tend to push people away when i am having a bad day, or when my depression is kicking my ass, and i dont mean to, but i do. i yell, and scream, and cry, and i hate myself when i am like that.. but i cant seem to make it stop. i seem to be naive, and i believe what people say when i shouldnt, but i do because it is easier to believe it that to walk away from it. i like hearing some of the stuff that people say, and i want to believe it so bad even when i know its not true. i have had a hard time walking away from a man who lives about a half hour away from me, and i wanted to believe that he really liked me, even though deep down i knew he didnt. i have always had a problem walking away from men in the past because i wanted to believe that someone really found me to be beautiful, but in the end, they always wanted the same thing. i dont know when i became a play toy, or sex toy for men, but i dont like it. i wish that i was wanted for my good conversations and for spending time together, not just blow jobs and sex. since when is it alright to use a woman? since when is it okay to play with someones head? people wonder why i have a hard time trusting, and why i always wonder and question their motives. i have a hard time believing things even when i should believe them, because i have been told so many lies in the past. i tend to back away from people because i am afraid of getting hurt, and lied to, and used again. when i do find someone, i question "how long before he hurts me to?" why cant i trust? why cant i just get over what has happened in the past? why cant i get over the hurt. i am hurting, not only with the fact that i have a bad back, and am in pain all the time, but emotionally, i am hurting. i feel like i am nevet good enough. i never succeed, i always fail. my own family doesnt talk to me hardly at all, i am not good enough for them, and i dont feel that i am good enough for my son. he needs a good mom, a mom that will be there for him and with him, and yet i send him with his dad more than i take him, because i dont feel that i can handle him at this point. i should have never had a child if i couldnt raise him and take care of him, but i love him with all my heart and want whats best for him, and right now i feel its best hes not with me too often until i can get the help i need to become more patient and become a better mom.
well, i am done going on and on about shit most of you dont care about, so until next time... OWL
