carebear's blog: "how?"

As most of you know I found out that I was pregnant I haven't been online in awhile and sorry for not writing anyone been kind of busy and didn't want to write all of this till now. I miscarried the baby oct. 29th of 2006 I was in the hospital from 1-6pm at night justin the father of the baby was there the whole time for me every step of the way thank god for him including afterwords to take care of me and make sure i was going to be ok. I kept on blaiming myself for what happened and thinking that I could have done something to make it so it didn't happen or that I did something wrong and he told me the whole time that it wasn't my fault I then found out two weeks later at the hospital (I was in extreme pain) that I had a uterus infection and that they think that is what killed the baby if that is the case i don't know but either way my health is doing a lot better now. When I was at the hospital I was hemeraging a lot and lost a lot of blood and all I could do was cry and hope that it all stopped and ask god what i did wrong to make this happen I don't really have any clue as to what the answer is. But either way I am doing better now and there have been many people that have helped me threw this rough time in my life. Other then that. Things are going good at home I have 2 new kittens that are now with me one is mine and the other is a friends that I am taking care of till I get a place the one that is mine is named kiana justin picked it out when he got out of jail and i liked it so we kept the name. Justin is now engaged how long it will last who knows but either way I hope he is happy. We don't really talk to much anymore because of this but I am hoping at some point we will be. And as well as all of that I might have a new bf soon if everything works out his name is jayson I went out with him for 3 years in the past and loved him a lot but in the end we were fighting and I was pushing myself away so i broke it off so that I could change myself cause I didn't like the person I had become to him he was always very sweet towards me and loved me very much and we have stayed friends this past year that he has had a gf but threw it all we still love eachother very much and have been talking about the possibility of him breaking up with his gf and going back out with me cause of this. I know sounds awful of me but he has known for awhile that he dosn't love his gf and has been wanting to break it off with her he just dosn't know how and he has made the decision to do it now and get back with me cause it dosn't matter what we seem to do lol we can't seem to stop loving eachother no matter what happens. He makes me very happy and I love him a lot and can't wait for the day that it actually happens i told him I am not waiting forever and that he needs to grow some balls and break it off already and he understands where i am coming from that i am not going to wait around forever and if he wants me he has till the 5th of january to break it off with her otherwise I am not waiting any longer. I don't enjoy being alone and I want someone to just love me for me and be good to me and I am hoping he will be the one to do this for me. I will always have a part of my heart for justin I did love him very much but he dosn't want to be with me and I am not going to beat myself up over it so I am moving on with my life and hopefully making it better. I will write more later sorry to everyone that it has taken so long for me to get on here.

well here is a pic of my first ultrasound it is still tiny but in a few weeks it won't be so tiny lol. Still can't believe it in a lot of ways.

well I told my parents today about me being pregnant they didn't say a word about justin which made me happy and my father told me that they are there for me every step of the way which I just sat there and cried about because I was so happy. Now I just hope I can carry the baby full-term I am hoping. Right now the baby is healthy and the cervix is strong I just have to start eating healthier and more vegetables and fruit. So wish me luck everyone. I will keep on updating you.

well I found out yesterday that I am 6 months and 2 days now pregnant I am excited and so isn't the father of the baby. We are not together but he is there for me to help me every step of the way and I love him so much for that he is my bestfriend. I am scared but also excited at the same time. Talk to you all later.

I have enjoyed the sight so far and hope to make new friends on here. I also have myspace just search for angelove2001us@yahoo.com and you can find me with no problem. I am just sitting here right now chillin on my computer and watching csi: miami. And who knows what will happen later hopefully hanging out with my exbf whenever he decides to stop by. I love him a lot and probably need to get over him but it is really hard to do that when you love someone so much I am a caring person and get hurt a lot of times. I will talk to you later. cara

Ok I am not having a really good day today my exbf and his gf broke up the other day which was good because we have been sleeping together and I love him so it is really hard to say no to him but tonight he is at another girls house he has this thing where he can't be single and "supposedly" he wants a seriouse relaitionship but I am sitting here right in front of him I try to make him happy and there is so much stuff that he does that makes me feel like he does love me but he seems like he dosn't care sometimes like tonight it hurts cause I feel like he is out sleeping with someone else but I dont' know for sure and I can't say anything even if he is and normally we act like we are going out he kisses me hugs me he fucking sings to me and I love it when he does cause it makes me feel so special to him and he says he cares about me but I don't know anymore I asked him for a kiss at his moms work and he wouldn't give me one and it just makes me feel like he won't be affectionate in public because of the fact that he is ashamed of me or something and he is always sleeping with other girls or going out with them granted he is younger then me but still if you love someone show them instead of just caring about getting your dick wet. And it is hard because I am always forgiving him and I love him so much but I don't know anymore I feel like sometimes I need to just get him out of my life cause he dosn't care about me so why should I care about him. But you know what it is hard cause my head says to get him out of my life but my heart says that I love him so much and I love the way he is sometimes. But I will ttyl.