How to know *IF* you're a New Yorker By Willy -- A born & raised NYer!
1. New Yorkers ARE NOT FUCKIN' RUDE! AND ANYBODY WHO THINKS SO CAN SHOVE IT -- you know where! (I told you we ain't rude).
2. Born and raised New Yorkers don't have accents; people from the south have a "lazy drawl," people in Cali talk "like Oh Wow that's awesome," Midwesterners talk "corn porn," Bahstuners are always driving a "cah to a bah." etc.. Of course New York's many immigrants all arrive talking "funny." But much of that language, in a few, becomes NY slang. See number 13.
3. Crosswalks WTF are those? You cross the street from wherever YOU are NOT the freaking lines on the road!
4. Depending on your age, and musical tastes, you've been to a "live" music concert at; Averery Fisher Hall, the Metropolitan Opera, Lincoln Center, Radio City Music Hall, the Filmore East, Roselands Ballroom, Madison Square Garden -- screw the Meadowlands it's in Jersey - The Bottom Line, CBGBs, or all the above!
5. You know why, when outsiders write about it, Broadway is always in quotation marks!
6. Cars are cool, to the young, as you get older you rely more on Subways, buses, and trains -- no expensive gasoline or damn parking fees. Besides they take you within walking distance of, almost, any fuckin' where!
7. If you're male you were once in a gang, probably the __ St. gang, not the crips or bloods, if you're over 35 you've hit somebody or been hit by a baseball bat in anger. Or at least you've seen or heard of it being done!
8. If you're female you were, at one time, a "bad girl!"
9. When out with friends @#%! & *&%# are acceptable figures of speech!
10. When pissed off your language could make a Sailor or a 42nd St. hooker blush!
11. You hate the sound of car horns blaring. Your favorite method of communication is the middle finger. Even if you have to "crawl up the ass" of the car in front of you!
12. You sleep through police & fire department sirens, thunder storms, blackouts, even gun shots. But if the kid upstairs practices guitar too loudly...
13. You understand what, "Domino chocha," "kurveh," "Bootay," and "squaldrina" mean without taking language lessons!
14. WTF are dungarees? In New York we wear jeans, Levi's, Lee's, Wrangler's, mostly blue but not always. And yeah there are those that wear the "Hoi-Paloi designer jeans on sale only $99.95," mostly foreigners from outside of New York!
15. You can go out to a "real pizza place" and eat "real pizza," Turn around and get "Real Chinese food," then go get Jewish pastries at Zabar's. This is stuff made by the real ethnic people, NOT put together from a cookbook like an erector set!
16. You love street fairs, garage sales, going out of business sales anywhere you can haggle over the price. You especially like to haggle with non NYers, who are "less skilled," and take them for whatever!
17. New Yorkers know that McDonold's was the death knell of capitalism! It led to all those "cookie cutter" chain stores; and the, phony smiling, sixteen year old counter clerks with their, "Can I help you?" In the days waitresses asked, "What ya want?"
18. You know where the Statue of Liberty, Empire State building, and South Street Seaport are but, except on school trips, you've never been there!
19. New York has four seasons, spring showers, too damn hot, fall rains, and Goddamn it's winter again. This has helped us to develop a tough exterior because the weather ALWAYS changes!
20. If you list your friends, or coworkers in one row, and their ethnic backgrounds across the paper you have a veritable United Nations!
21. "Reality TV" what the fuck is that all about? It ain't nothing but Hollywood's idea of "relevance." To older NYers "reality TV" began with "Captain Kangaroo," continued with "The Groucho Marx Show," and ended with "I Love Lucy!"
22. In NY we don't follow authority. EVERYBODY is a boss from Donald Trump to the newest janitor who is the "floor boss."
23. You keep a car jack handle, from an older car, within reach when driving just to be on the safe side. You've heard all the stories of car jacking, and besides you can use it as a drum stick!
24. You live in NYC or within an hour of midtown Manhattan. Or at least you grew up there!
25. New Yorkers don't give a rats ass if they offend people, they ain't changing to please anybody!
26. True NYers don't kiss anybody's ass. If you're with people with a puckered up anus point to the George Washington Bridge and say, "Go to Newark!"
27. NYers are sick of hearing the crime rate has dropped __% this year! We want to know when the fuck will it be zero?
28. Hillary Clinton ain't a New Yorker! Enough said?
29. New Yorkers understand voting is like flushing a fuckin' toilet; the old turds get flushed to be replaced by fuckin' new turds!
30. You understand, at first reading, my words. And you get a kick out of sending this list to friends in "Butt-Lick, Kansas," "Lost Wages, Nevada," "Sunny Southern 'Californification'" and "Bahstun, Masivechews-shit" to rub their faces in the fact that they ain't from New York!
31. Certain areas are technically in NY but the fuckin' people from there NO WAY IN FUCKIN' HELL. These areas include the upper east side of Manhattan, Scarsdale, much of the Hamptons, etc.
Note to people living other places; that new next door neighbor just maybe a transplanted NYer so be careful he, hell she too, may smack you upside the head just for GP!
I qualify, or I'm guilty of all the above. Now not everybody can be from NY, thank God, and I'm sure people from other places do some of these too. NY doesn't have a "monopoly" last I heard clear channel was still trying to buy it....
Being a "New Yorker" is an attitude more then anything else, and there are idiots living here too see number 28. Other people may, at times, have the "moxie" but died in the wool NYers didn't learned from a book, i.e., "Attitudes for Dummy's." No, we learned it in the streets, alleys, bars, and honky tonks of NYC.
Okay how to know if you're a New Yorker? If you do at least 10 of these things consistently, i.e., you don't do them one at a time over a period of a year. No, you do them all the time then you *MAYBE* a NYer! Or chicks ONLY send me a photo of your magnificent mounds and I'll tell you if you have "New York potential." The winner of the contest just may win a ticket to NY. Foreigners are eligible too!
@2004 By Willy Senkiwsky
