Wicked Skull's blog: "How I feel!"

O.K. I lnow every time this year I can expect visits from those I love and miss but disapear for months mabe even years at a time but know matter what they always resurface at the same time of year like the birds coming back from winter break..... Well that has happened again this year after three years give or take like I said nothin unusal well these people are like me or what I used to be like I have had many things happen in my life in the past year let alone three years either way my life has changed slowed down and became normal and structured for my kids the first time in there lives Thanks jess I love you!!! Like a puppy!!! anyway this is the life I have strived to get and I finally got it!!!! Well when the wind blew and the family came I was happy they were missed by me and the children upon them arriving I explained to them how life is and I like too keep it that way now one of the family members is someone I love dearly I have givin him more than one piece of my heart the only other person who has gotton more of my heart is dead and I can't get that back and for this one person who knows this I would think would understand not to mess up what I have goin!!!! but no either he does not care how I feel or he can't change for anyone well they created so much chaos on friday I became so upset I don't even want to deal well one of the contributers was explained how I felt about friday and how if this kind of lifestyle continues while they are around me then they will no longer be welcome and for me to say that really hurts the one I love we have a bond and I am willing to break that bond so my children and I can continue to be happy . Am I wrong is there a way I could of handled that? I doubt it cause I know thses people and they were not willing to change for there own kids let alone themselves so if I don't here from them again I can assume they were not willing to change for me or my kids long enough to have a proper visit and if that is the case I hope they know I love then and will miss them and wish nothing but the best for them and hope one day they will realize that maybe slowing down and changin course would be for the best if not I quess I will see them when they are dead and sad to say it may be sooner than later!!!!!

I have this wonderful best friend in the whole world, she is an amazing person who has gone thru some of the same shit as I have and maybe more. She is a strong person an excellant mother daughter and friend! I was able to connect with her over this past summer and now I live with her she has taught me to open my heart and soul again to friends and people in general I have lost alot of happy thoughts over the years and watching her go on in daily activities with a smile on her face has taught me to smile again my boys have never been happier were they are now her kids have taught my to be happy again were I have failed them jess and her kids have taught them. I feel like I am such a burden for her and everytime I have mentioned this to her she says I am wrong. When I am in pain ie my teeth I see her look at me with understanding and thoughts of making it all go away for me. Jess you have made me feel special again I love our freindship and would not trade it for the world. You are special in my eyes and it will never change I am happy you have found love again cause you deserve it and I am happy you have included me in your happiness and I hope never to fail you! So jess Thank You for being a special and loving and wonderful freind!

Valentines day brings back so many memories for me it is not even funny,I have had many a good valentines day when I was growing up, my father always remembered us girls on this day the sisters all got boxes of candy like I and they usually got new dolls or dresses,I on the other hand usually got tickets to either wrestling coming to town for my dad and I to have our day or even baseball tickets but alas I grew up and became a mom so those days are gone boy I miss them! Then there was the celebrations with Everett, they were all memories never to be forgotten we always bought the boys there presents from each of us and I bought my gift for him he never would tell me anything other than to get dressed we had places to go. Everett had made my valentines the best my own ex husband never could care less. Everett always made it seem like we were running errends for the house we would always go do the shopping and bill paying have a nice lunch and go home he usually made dinner on this day and I would relax with the boys after dinner he would send the boys to there rooms for the night and come out with the gifts I never even seen him purchase he was good at doing that! Usually it would be a piece pf jewlery I had been looking at and a few other odds and ends I really loved him and because of that valentines were awesome. Now I still like valentines day if only for the boys and this year the boys and the children of jess's and of course jess I love these people with all my heart and soul but I just can't bring my self to appreiciate the holiday like I used to. Since Everett has passed away it just does not feel the same. I have had other men in my life since Everett but....... like I said not the same I may hold Everett on a pillar I may never take him off, but I am intitled. So this year I am more inclined to let those I love know verbelly cause sometimes the memories just hurt to much to want to do other.I quess what im trying to say is Everett was my imortal and my one and only valentine and I dont have it....... One day I am sure I will have another and im trying to bury the past and move on in order to do that I must write this down and let everyone see and then maybe I can make valentines a more pleasurable thing for those I love and care for. So for those who know me and are gonna read this I am sorry I am such a sour puff when it came to today.I want and need you all to know I love you all and no matter what depression turn I take I will always love you guys and I will always be there for you.You are all my valentines and I would not have it any other way!

O.k. I made freinds this past year I even was able to find myself havin feelings of love for one person and one person only. Then this person up and stops talkin to me period then they block me for no reason but there own. I think I at least deserve to know why I have not done a thing to this man to have my feelings hurt I have been faithful I go from home to work and back. So I deserve some kind of closer to this relationship he ended it not me so some kind of explanation is wariented don't ya think? So if u r reading this and know why this person did this drop me a line to tell me and if you r the person who did it then at least have the decency to say why you did it.

It seems like things have changed just a little it could be me but I dont think so,It upsets me just a little nothin worth gettin upset about but I can feel the shift. We got along beautifully now we rarely get to talk, now when we do talk I feel like I have said something or done something to annoy you.I am happy you are happy but...... sometimes it feels like me being around is no longer needed you dont talk to me or confide in me I feel as if I may be a burden instead of a pleasure to be around nowadays I see you long enough for me to go to work and when I come home you no longer have time for me you are either in bed already or heading there as soon as I walk in the house.I'm not tryin to sound like I'm complaining but it seems like you don't need me anymore or have time for me, I love you and you know who you are and I don't want to loose your freindship It just feels like we are slipping away from each other I feel like financially I dont pull my weight and I try my damndest but some of the things that are said to me maybe the way they are said makes me feel so guilty I wanna cry maybe it is not spendin all the time with you has brought on these feelings Im not sure but I have been goin to bed feeling guilty and crying Im tryin my best not to upset you but when we dont even talk I dont know how you are feeling or what I have done to upset you. So to end Im sorry for what I have done wrong to have you turn from me or not need me anymore and I will to my best to make it right again.Just tell me and I will change it. It just seems like doors are bein closed in my face not just by him but by you also. I am sorry for what I have done and I hope you understand I love you and yours and dont want to lose you.

Well the new year has come, Do I feel different things are gonna happen? Well sometimes it feels like it other times it dont I quess Im still doing things day by day. I have the best freind a person could possible have I trust her with everything and her opinion is what matters to me most if she has anything to say may it be bad good or indifferent I want to hear it. I have my older boy who is only gonna be 16 in june makin me a grandmother in July, how do I feel bout that? Well im not happy but it will be my grand child and I will love it forever at least im young enough to enjoy it, these things happen and my son will have to grow up quicker but with his intelligence and the fact he is more mature than others his age I know he can do it. Work is goin a little better now that we have the list, those of you who know me know what im talkin about if not you can ask me. The other two brats I am raising r just to cute and innocent and hopefully they will stayy that way for a while longer and then the crazy kids my best freind has I love em to death and cant see me livin my life with out her or the kids there so all in all I can say the new year is so much better.

This year has been a bittersweet year for me, more bitter than sweet! The one thing I have had to deal with alot this year has been with cops I have seen way to many of them to make me happy, Dont get me wrong I have a few freinds that r cops but I dont deal with them in uniform some of these cops can be asses some can be real nice either way it seems that now that I have a record they come after me for some petty shit, there are real criminils out there yet lets bug the 35 yr old mom of three cmon! Well I make it all the way home from work last nite and believe it or not I get pulled over in front of my house DAMN the man.Anyway I tell the cop Im home he still does his job and yep I get a 75 dollar ticket man I have had enough,stupid shit was not speeding used all signals it was a simple expired sticker he knew I had just got home he knew what I have been through this year just by running my name knowing I was home ya would think he would be kind and just give me a warning not to drive til I get a new sticker but no got to make his quota!Anyway here is hopin I have a better new year and a cop free new year! I would explain about the other issues with the law but it would take all day and even more space so if ya really know me you know what all im talkin about if your interested just ask I might tell ya! Either way thank god for the new year!

EVERETT WILLIAM KENT was born on Feb 19th 1972 he lived an active and health life I was raised with him along with the ex hubby we never really got along in our younger days or so I thought, He was always there for me when the ex tried to beat me in a way he was my protector. 12 years ago the hubby my oldest and I moved to Lasalle Illinois Everett was there to help He eventually moved here to be with us His "family". At the time life was being rough for him he was divorced made to sighn his rights to his two children over to the ex wife but he still continued on. He was a happy bouncy guy even when saddness entered his life. Everett found love again in his next wife life was good then things took a turn his wife was cheating so they divorced I was there to comfort him because I to understood the cheating spouse syndrome. Due to unfortuanate circumstances he went to jail did his time come home and somehow we found each other again Everett and I truely loved each other he has been the only father to my youngest we were riding high livin life raising the children, we finally found the love we both needed! Then I went to the doctor and was told I had cancer I went home and Everett cried was scared we were gonna be torn apart by cancer I went through chemo and surgery he was there for me my rock my pillar. He would come home from work and take me for walks even if it was short distanses just to build my strenghth back up.This all happenened in july of 05. HE made happiness were none had been before we were inseperable. In December of 05 Everett and colton my youngest got really sick it figured seein as they were always close by each other I called Coltons doctor and by description she perscribed meds for him he took them even with meds he wasnt getting better neither was Everett I was worried but Everett never let it bother him he would not let me worry then in jan of 06 Colton and Ev were still sick but he went with his freind to go fishing. Everett never came home the coroner said it was heart attack brought on by severe pnemonia! However or what the cause It was a waste of a good life I miss him so much I have moved on but sometimes I miss him more than words can say and today is one of those days. I quess it stems from the fact that he was my papa bear and my pillar there are days when I get angry I lived thru cancer and He did not live thru a heart attack! He will always be remembered and loved and I will and have moved on but some days ..... well ya all should understand.He left behind a total of 4 children three girls and a boy. Plus of courde Colton his titi boy! unfortuanatly he never got to hear that his oldest has made him a grandpa!Everett if you can read this know that Colton and I remember you and always will and thank you for bein in our lifes when we had no one. R.I.P. EVERETT WILLIAM KENT FEB, 19TH 1972- JAN 9TH 2006 LOVING FIANCE AND DAD TO 5 CHILDREN GRANDFATHER TO 1

O.K. most of you know I have been sick ya know stuffed nose head pain stuff like that, yesterday I was feelin so much better I was like kool Im not gonna be sick for long! Then this mornin I wake with massive pain in my tummy Im thinkin great what now then I learn what now as I go runnin to the bathroom to vomit It hurts I dont like this pain! Why wont it stop? Have I not been through enough? well anyway had to just rant for a minute. thanks for reading.

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