I am not normal.
It actually feels good to type that...like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I've typed it before, but without the same meaning...or the same intensity...and now I come to you with contradictions painted all over me and I declare to the world that...
I AM PROFOUNDLY NOT NORMAL.
Precisely three years ago, I had an experience that I think really did some massive damage to me. I've written about it before and, if you're so inclined, you can find it somewhere in this blog, but really, although it seemed like a good thing for a while, I'm starting to think that perhaps it's done me more harm than good. I think that maybe I've been irreparably damaged in some fundamental way and that, because of that, I may never be any good to anyone.
It's as if a fissure was created in my mind...a chasm where on one side is my desire to love and to be loved and on the other side is my utter disbelief that this kind of love exists...at least not for me.
My life is a complicated mass of contradictions like this. I take care of everyone around me, when all I really want is to be taken care of. I want to be in total control of my own destiny, but I also want to be told what to do. I want to dominate and be submissive at the same time. I want to travel, but I never want to leave my house. I'm lonely, but I don't like people. I like who I am, but I simply can't fathom the idea that someone else could like me.
Wow. That last one is a doozy. It causes me to question everyone's motives when they show me positive attention. When I'm complimented, it makes me uncomfortable. I know that the polite thing to do is to be grateful, but I can't help but think that, when someone is complimentary toward me, they are lying for their own benefit or something...and why would I thank them for that? It's caused me to hide behind an intricate web of strategically placed pleas for attention and self deprecating humor.
I've been this way for so long that I think I may have forgotten how to be any other way. I've forgotten how to be intimate. I've forgotten how to communicate my thoughts and feelings. I've forgotten how to let down the walls that surround me...that protect me from the pain and betrayal and rejection that I've come to expect from everyone around me.
I am my own worst enemy.
I've been broken. And I have no idea how I can be fixed.
And I so want to be fixed. It would be nice to be normal again.
