killaphilmci's blog: "how did this happen"

Life frozen or caught on fire, why does it matter? Cut deep or shallow scratch, in narrow alleys with a patch of darkness. Falling up or getting down, a cup of glass cutting our throats. Mass collections of suicide notes, and a small amount of hope. Falling into death in deep with darkness, seeking thought or maybe not. Going in circles with out a fight, not slavery and so far out of sight. Loss and false hopes binding us down, its our cost of not being found. Sounds of voices peek in our heads, fallen asleep deep in our beds. Graves of memories found in our dreams, deep dreams filling with passion and rising with action. Faith calling and showing our fates, knowing of death and full of hates. Sedating our minds and lost hopes of love, kind and gentle thoughts of warmness, Killed our fate of endless fought circles, lonelyness found here between worlds. The sound of calling, found and falling.

My life is so cold without you here Each day I try not to shed a tear It seems like just yesterday you left my life When I first heard the news it cut through me like a knife I went to my room and sat on the bed As the words kept running through my head I kept wondering why God took you away Each night I kneel down to pray And ask if I could see you for just one more day Knowing that you're not here tonight Makes me wonder if I'll be alright Each morning I wake up and hope it was a dream and when I find out your not here It makes me want to scream Each day I think of running away Hoping I can find you some other day And since you're not here my life is so cold.

I'm sitting here Sad and all alone Crying lonely black tears No one around to help me No one, not that I can I see Just leave me be To cry my lonely black tears Don't try to help Your just to late I can't escape My lonely black tears After all these years I'm still sitting here Crying my lonely black tears One day maybe They'll stop flowing The tears will quit growing Deep inside And I will cry no ore Lonely Black Tears

Love is hell Hell is where I will stay Because my love can never go away I love this girl with all my heart She humiliated me In front of the world In front of my family And I forgive She is with someone else This I have now seen She will realize my love And hopefully come back to me No matter what she does No matter who she has been with I will forgive Because you see She has already once forgave me Love is hell Hell is where I will stay Because once again my love will never fade away

I walked through the local cemetery last night It was so quiet, everyone was at peace I felt so welcome, so at home there among the deceased I begun thinking, why do I continue on why do I inhale even one more breath when all I dream of is the eternal slumber that can only be brought about by death Grief and pain are the only inhabitants of a soul which would otherwise be an empty space Was it time for the end? This was the choice which I faced After all, everyday is merely a continuation of the one which preceded it There have ben times when I felt slightly hopeful but there was never any hope when I most needed it And there is little I wish to recall the years are wrought with sadness I've lost my mind, a million times but I always find it again within madness As my heart has drifted along I knew it could not stay afloat with each day that passed I felt it sink deeper in misery's boat So there, amongst the dead I came to the conclusion That it was time to bring an end to my life's illusions The blood flowed like a river as I took a razor to my wrist I would have made preparations, said good-byes but, I doubt I'll be missed It became so cold as everything went black for the first time, I felt peace because I knew there was no going back No hope. No dreams. No anything. I had no further reason to try I no longer wished to live I do not regret the decision I made to die

I want to run away Inside my bright red scream I want to break the doors Holding back my dream Living like this Checking the skies for rain A constant reminder Of this burden and pain I'm holding on to A shooting star Its points cutting my skin This time it's gone too far Nothing left to wish on My bloody star fell Left me drowning in hopes Inside my wishing well Not looking for a hero To owe such a debt I could not ask for saving This loss is not a regret I want to run away But there's nothing out there I want to shatter windows That look out on nowhere This is not life If I'm already dead My bleeding heart stopped beating And tears I no longer shed.

if all the world were but a room and I an inmate in it, I should sleep day and night and watch the fan tracing circles on the wall. if my room were all the world and I could stay inside it always, I should sit in my chair with my mind adrift and watch the leaves as they changed. if my room and the world were one and the same, and I could live inside it, I would drift happy from morning to night, dreaming dreams of dreams and watching the light hovering like butterflies on my brain, shifting and melting and flowing into the wall.

Day after Days, Night after Night, The world moves as I stay still. Staring at my plain dark bedroom wall. Mother knocks on my door, but I feel too numb to answer She cries, but I motionlessly don't answer. I lie on my bed, Screaming in my head. Pain forever with me never leaving. It goes with me everywhere. Like my shadow, Constantly there. Now my sister turning into darkness. She will before long be just like her brother. And mother will soon give in. The echo of glass breaking, The sound of my mother screaming, And me still emotionless as I lay. The doors are slamming. More glasses breaking. And me just falling, With no delay. Now the house grows dark. Only the noise of the wind and the crickets grows. And for me I have now been swallowed by the darkness. And all my fears have come true.

There's no understanding what you did, Or why, or what we now should think or do: No way to see what your last sorrow hid. What unimaginable agony amid Our ordinary lives unraveled you? There's no understanding what you did, No way for you to tell us why you rid Yourself of us and family, and . . . who? No way to see what your last sorrow hid. Or was it you were just a spoiled kid, Trying to make us all feel bad for you? There's no understanding what you did, Whether mere curiosity had bid You to sneak ahead a lethal view; No way to see what your last sorrow hid, Nor penetrate that awful, granite lid That lies between our thoughts and what is true. There's no understanding what you did, No way to see what your last sorrow hid.

I'm a free spirit that has been shot down and wronged I pleaded for help a kind gentle mercy My heart felt like it rose up to my throat as you choked the life from me I cried with pain; can barely speak your name Throat swelling burning like a flame This fire this burning I'm yearning for help This is all I have ever felt My life as its slipping Veins running cold My blood as its churning its last My lungs choking for air breathing heavy And nobodies there to hold me tight Or watch this site as I fall to my knees In a last try to be set free abandoning all of me Because there is nothing left for me Why can't I ever just see? As the rain falls it sucks the life from me My one joy to hear and feel the rain and it consumes me And this ending pain; no more shame