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"House M.D.: Alone (#4.1)" (2007) Dr. James Wilson: [to House] So all you have to do is convince this kid that his girlfriend had a secret doctor, and a secret stash, and a secret life. It's been a while since a patient took a swing at you. Can I watch? Dr. Gregory House: [when House's guitar is "kidnapped"] Give it back. Dr. James Wilson: What happened? Did someone kidnap your guitar? Your 12 thousand-dollar 1967 Flying V? Or something? Dr. Gregory House: Where'd you hide it? Dr. James Wilson: I'm flattered you would consider me this bold and brilliant. Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, it takes a cri... [stops, then sees pieces missing from Wilson's newspaper] Dr. Gregory House: It takes a criminal mastermind to pull off a heist from an unlocked, unguarded room down the hall. What do you want? Dr. James Wilson: Me? Nothing. But I'm sure the kidnapper wants what every kidnapper wants: to see you interview 5 to 7 well-qualified fellowship candidates. Dr. Gregory House: I don't need a team. Dr. James Wilson: You were bouncing ideas off a janitor. Dr. Gregory House: And solved the case! Dr. James Wilson: [over a piece of House's guitar which has been "kidnapped"] Oh, my God. This guy means business, or guys. It could be multiple, multiple guys or a gal. Who knows? All I can say this reeks of boldness. Dr. Gregory House: I am not hiring a team. Dr. James Wilson: You ever tighten a guitar string really, really slowly? Past the point it can handle the strain? It makes this weird sound, almost like a scream. [squeaking] Dr. Gregory House: [on the phone with Wilson] Did you ever see Raid on Entebbe? Dr. James Wilson: Yeah. In the end, they released the hostages. How's that working for you? Dr. Gregory House: The Ugandans played fair. They didn't move the hostages on the Israelis. Dr. James Wilson: Once again, I am in awe of the kidnapper's tactical brilliance. Dr. Gregory House: [turns on Wilson's TiVo] What is "El Fuego Del Amor" and why do you need 10 of them? Dr. James Wilson: It's a... it's a telenovela. I'm learning Spanish. Dr. Gregory House: Well, say adios. Dr. James Wilson: Are you erasing my TiVo? House! Not the season finale! Dr. Gregory House: I don't negotiate with terrorists. I smoke them out of their hidey-holes. Dr. James Wilson: [on the phone with House] Do you know what terrorists do when you don't negotiate? They terrorize. Dr. Gregory House: Bring it on! Dr. James Wilson: You stole my patient. Dr. Gregory House: You kidnapped my guitar. Dr. James Wilson: Give him back. Dr. Gregory House: Only when you give her back. Dr. James Wilson: It's a she? Dr. Gregory House: Well, it's certainly not a dude. Dr. James Wilson: It's a guitar! You took a human being! Dr. Gregory House: Now who doesn't have a sense of humor? Dr. James Wilson: [House and Wilson searching the patient's home] What does the diary say? Dr. Gregory House: It's basically a list of her sexual encounters. Boys, girls, vibrating appliances. Dr. James Wilson: If it was, you'd be quoting, not summarizing. Dr. James Wilson: Where's the restaurant? Dr. Gregory House: What restaurant? Dr. James Wilson: The one you said you're taking me to for lunch. Dr. Gregory House: Oh... ahh... [points to a house] Dr. Gregory House: This one's homier, dibs on a cold pizza? ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Don't Ever Change (#4.12)" (2008) Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [about Amber] Are you sure she doesn't just want to drag you back to her lair, hang you upside down, and lay her eggs inside of you? Dr. James Wilson: Nice disguise House. Dr. Gregory House: Crosss-species mating. If you like Darwin and the Galapagos. Dr. James Wilson: Amber and I have a lot in common. Dr. Gregory House: She's a cutthroat bitch. You cry over Dark Victory. Dr. James Wilson: Bette Davis, another strong assertive woman. Dr. James Wilson: Amber is exactly what I need and you would agree if you weren't mired in self-loathing topped with a thin crust of megalomania. Dr. Gregory House: Hey, that's my best friend's girl you're talking about. Dr. Gregory House: She's a needy version of me. Dr. James Wilson: Hard to imagine such a mythical creature. Dr. James Wilson: C'est la vie, and I use the French because you're an ass. Dr. James Wilson: Are you being self-sacrificing? Dr. Gregory House: I'll sacrifice a lab rat, I'll sacrifice a fly, I'll sacrifice $200 on a mudder at Monmouth Park. I don't sacrifice self. Shabbat shalom, Wilson. Dr. James Wilson: Shabbat shalom, House. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Autopsy (#2.2)" (2005) Dr. Gregory House: [talking about 9-year-old cancer patient] She's such a brave girl, I want to see how brave she is when you tell her she's gonna die. Dr. Wilson: Go to hell. Dr. Wilson: So, the dying girl should be nice to me? Dr. Gregory House: When you are dying everybody loves you! Dr. Wilson: You have a cane and nobody likes you! Dr. Gregory House: I am not terminal, just pathetic. Dr. Wilson: I'm with a patient. Dr. Gregory House: Is she dying? Dr. Wilson: No. Dr. Gregory House: Then she can wait. Dr. Gregory House: [referring to the bottle Wilson opened] I loosened it. Dr. Wilson: I opened it! Dr. Gregory House: You see grace because you want to see grace. Dr. Wilson: And you don't see grace because you're never around it. Dr. Wilson: We can't do exploratory surgery on her brain. Dr. Gregory House: Are you sure you're not a neurologist? ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Whac-A-Mole (#3.8)" (2006) Dr. James Wilson: [when his car gets towed] I was not parked illegally. I live here. Cop: [hands the warrant to Wilson] Love note from Detective Tritter. [officer walks off and Wilson watches his car get towed away] Bruce Steinerman: [when Wilson arrives to his office] You're late. I charge from the time you're supposed to be here. Dr. James Wilson: Tritter towed my car. He's frozen my assets. He's on a crusade. Bruce Steinerman: You're a person-of-interest in a narcotics investigation. You're linked to their suspect and his activities. Dr. James Wilson: I'm not Pablo Escobar's evil henchman cruising into Miami in a cigarette boat. I'm a physician who prescribed Vicodin to a pain patient. Bruce Steinerman: [holding up a paper] This police report you faxed me says they found 600 pill in his apartment. You prescribe those? Dr. James Wilson: He's in chronic pain. This is obviously an abuse of power. Bruce Steinerman: Is that a yes or a no? Dr. James Wilson: Patients build up a tolerance over the years... Bruce Steinerman: Perfect motive for him to forge those scripts. Still don't have an answer. Dr. James Wilson: What, are we like role-playing? Bruce Steinerman: Yeah, and you suck at it, which is really unfortunate because you're pretending to be you. I gotta get to court. Dr. James Wilson: Michael told me you could help me get my car back. Bruce Steinerman: Yeah, divorce lawyers usually know the ins and outs of drug enforcement. You want your car back? You're gonna have to give the cops what they want. Dr. James Wilson: Thanks. Usually people feel helpless in these situations. Bruce Steinerman: Dr. House is probably going to jail. You keep on lying for him, you'll go right along with him. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Wilson arrives to the hospital] You're just getting here? Dr. James Wilson: Buses suck. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Where's your car? Dr. James Wilson: It's a hostage. Tritter wants me to testify against House. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You're not going to? Dr. James Wilson: Is that a question or an order? Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Any sort of conviction will cost House his license... Dr. James Wilson: Which will cost this hospital, relax. I'm not gonna mess with your precious resource. I told my lawyer to tell Tritter to go to hell. [turns to pharmacist] Dr. James Wilson: Marco! [walks over to the pharmacy] Dr. James Wilson: Why are all my prescriptions getting bounced back? Hospital Pharmacist: Sorry, Dr. Wilson. I was trying to call you. Where's your phone? Dr. James Wilson: In my car. My patients on the other hand are here and need their medications. Hospital Pharmacist: I'm sorry, I can't. [whispers to Wilson] Hospital Pharmacist: Your DEA number's been suspended. Dr. James Wilson: The DEA just revoked my prescription privileges. Dr. Gregory House: But who's gonna prescribe my Vicodin? Dr. James Wilson: Yes, well, that's why I'm here. This is a disaster for you. Dr. Gregory House: Relax, Tritter's just getting desperate. He's got no real evidence, he's trying to squeeze you into ratting. Dr. James Wilson: I'm not gonna let him squeeze my patients. Dr. Gregory House: They'll be fine. Also your cancer medicine sucks anyway. Dr. James Wilson: I have a patient. I need... Dr. Gregory House: Not now! Dr. Allison Cameron: I'll go. [begins to leave] Dr. Gregory House: You'll stay. [Cameron stops] Dr. Gregory House: Patient's dying. Dr. James Wilson: So's mine. Dr. Gregory House: Not in the next hour. Dr. Gregory House: [Wilson is at his desk in his office writing letters and putting them into envelopes. House enters the room] Wanna go throw stuff on people off the balcony? [Wilson ignores House] Dr. Gregory House: C'mon, mail can wait. Dr. James Wilson: I'm referring my patients to other oncologists. I'm shutting down my practice. Dr. Gregory House: Oh, good. I was afraid you'd overreact. Dr. James Wilson: [angry tone] I can't just ask my patients to wait because Dr. Cameron's boss won't let her come out and play! Dr. Gregory House: Kept you waiting for maybe an hour. Dr. James Wilson: [yells] 3 hours! Dr. Gregory House: Anybody die? Dr. James Wilson: Not this time! Dr. Gregory House: Well, Cameron's available now. Use her all you want. [sits on the couch] Dr. James Wilson: Oh, so now's a better time for me to have my life taken away if it fits into your schedule better? Dr. Gregory House: Oh, poor you. Think if you suffer loudly enough... Dr. James Wilson: [screams] YOU COMMITTED A CRIME! Dr. Gregory House: What do you want me to do? Turn myself in? Dr. James Wilson: YES! YES! Do something! Go in! Show some remorse! Tell Tritter you'll get some help! Dr. Gregory House: I don't need any help. Dr. James Wilson: House, get out of here. Get out of here. Dr. Gregory House: You're not gonna make me feel guilty about what Tritter's doing... to us. [gets up to leave] Dr. James Wilson: [laughs humorously] You already feel guilty. Your serious shoulder pain isn't coming from your cane, it's coming from your conscience, and that used to be enough. Despite all your smart-ass remarks, I knew you gave a damn. This time, you were either gonna help me through this or you weren't. I got my answer. [House leaves; Wilson continues his work] ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Frozen (#4.11)" (2008) Dr. Gregory House: She's annoying. Refused to take anti-biotics because other people might need them. Dr. James Wilson: She said she cares about other people? [sarcastically] Dr. James Wilson: What a poser! Okay, UV's clear. You don't like her because she's a psychiatrist. Dr. Gregory House: I'm a complicated man. I loathe her for many reasons. Dr. James Wilson: Never before has a profession been so decried by someone who needed it so badly. Dr. Eric Foreman: [speaking of House and Milton] He's annoyed by her. Doesn't respect her as a doctor. Constantly insults her. Dr. James Wilson: House's version of courtship. Dr. Eric Foreman: Oh god! He's been wooing me for years! Dr. James Wilson: [Wilson's going on a lunch date] Are you going to follow me *into* my car? Dr. Gregory House: It's got two doors. Dr. James Wilson: Okay, look, the reason I haven't told you is... [Wilson runs out the hospital] Dr. Cate Milton: Whereas you, on the other hand, have a perfect score. You are nice. responsible, human. And yet, you're House's best friend. Dr. James Wilson: Hold there, makes you think he's secretly nicer than he seems? Dr. Cate Milton: Makes me think you're secretly a lot less nice than you seem. Dr. James Wilson: You always insult your doctor? Dr. Cate Milton: It's not an insult. Indiscriminate niceness is overrated. Dr. James Wilson: No wonder he likes you. Dr. Gregory House: There's only about twelve people we know. I can't remember five of them. So we're down to Cuddy, your ex-wife... Dr. James Wilson: Your momma! Dr. Gregory House: Let's get this over with, Cate. Dr. James Wilson: [wilson hits the mute button] You used her name! Dr. Gregory House: Just trying to move it along, Bob! ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Need to Know (#2.11)" (2006) Dr. Gregory House: [House is discussing the possibility of Stacy breaking up with her husband to be with him, while Wilson is rolling marijuana joints] She's not gonna leave Mark in the middle of his rehab... too much guilt. Dr. Wilson: She left *you*. Dr. Gregory House: [adopting stoner accent] Harsh toke, dude! Dr. Gregory House: She's not going to leave Mark in the middle of his rehab. Too much guilt. Dr. Wilson: She left you. Dr. Gregory House: Harsh 'tude, dude. Dr. Wilson: What the hell happened in Baltimore? Dr. Gregory House: Sorry, chief. I never kiss and tell. Dr. Wilson: I think you just did. Dr. Wilson: You don't like yourself. But you do admire yourself. It's all you've got so you cling to it. You're so afraid if you change, you'll lose what makes you special. [pause] Dr. Wilson: Being miserable doesn't make you better than anybody else, House. It just makes you miserable. [Dr. Wilson and Dr. House look at each other. Dr. Wilson exits] Dr. Wilson: This isn't just going to go away. Dr. Gregory House: No, but maybe you will. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [notices House come in] He's actually on time. Dr. Wilson: He's six minutes early. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Something's happened. Dr. Wilson: I'm on it. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: TB or Not TB (#2.4)" (2005) Dr. Gregory House: J'ever notice, how all the self-sacrificing women in history, Joan of Arc, Mother Teresa... can't think of any others, they all die alone? The men, on the other hand, get so much fuzz it's crazy. Dr. Wilson: It's an unfair world. Dr. Wilson: [discussing Dr. Charles] You're just mad because he's closer to a Nobel Prize than you are. Dr. Gregory House: And yet I've nailed more Swedish babes... crazy, crazy world. Dr. Gregory House: [Cuddy has reprimanded House for upsetting a female patient who mistakenly thought Foreman was him] Let me ask you something. If this were another doctor, if the patient were complaining about, say... Foreman, you'd just dismiss this as the paranoid bitching of another paranoid bitch, and file it under P for... Dr. Wilson: Paranoid? Dr. Gregory House: I am not! Dr. Gregory House: He's not a real doctor, he's a telethon. Dr. Wilson: Is that your problem with him? You see hypocrites everyday. Why is this guy so special? Dr. Gregory House: You think I have a hypocritical attitude to hypocrisy? The problem is there are 26 letters in the alphabet and he only uses two of them. He treats thousands of patients with one diagnosis. He knows the answer going in. It's cheating. Dr. Wilson: So it's all because he's one of them useless specialiists? Dr. Gregory House: Oh, did I hurt the big-time oncologist's itty-bitty feelings? You're a big help to patients who actually have cancer. Other times you're just annoying. [watching House interrupt a live, televised press conference] Dr. Wilson: Now that's quality television. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Histories (#1.10)" (2005) Dr. Gregory House: You gonna tell me why this case? Dr. James Wilson: She's my new girlfriend. I'm having a tattoo designed, I was hoping you could find out her name. Dr. Gregory House: So, she's just another sick person the kindly Dr. Wilson has made sure doesn't get lost in the big ugly system. Dr. James Wilson: Yes, I forgot, I need a reason to give a crap. Dr. Gregory House: You're giving two craps. Dr. James Wilson: The metric system always confuses me. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [walks up with two female students wearing lab coats] Dr. House. Dr. Gregory House: Time for Girl Scout cookies already? Dr. James Wilson: Get me some Thin Mints. [Wilson leaves] Dr. James Wilson: [House is going through Wilson's file] You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, the word friend can also be translated as 'limping twerp'. Dr. Wilson: I forgot I needed a reason to give a crap. Dr. Gregory House: You're actually giving two craps. Dr. Wilson: The metric system always confused me. Dr. Wilson: [House is snooping through Wilson's file to try and find out why Wilson is insisting on a homeless woman being treated] You know, in some cultures, it's considered almost rude for one friend to spy on another. Of course, in Swedish, "friend" also translates into "limping twerp". Dr. Wilson: You really don't need to know everything about everybody. Dr. Gregory House: I don't *need* to watch The O.C., but it makes me happy. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Finding Judas (#3.9)" (2006) Dr. Wilson: Beckett was going to call his play "Waiting for House's Approval" but decided it was too grim. Dr. Gregory House: [House is playing his PSP in the doctor's lounge when Wilson comes in and starts making a sandwich] What are you doing here? Dr. Wilson: I work here. Dr. Gregory House: You passively-aggressively gave up your practice. Dr. Wilson: I have clinic hours. Dr. Gregory House: Now you're passively-aggressively spreading peanut butter. Big sign around your neck saying, "Wilson doesn't have enough cash for the cafeteria." Dr. Wilson: You know, before Lenny Bruce died of the drug overdose... Dr. Gregory House: Oyyeesh! You're gonna confront me with everyone who's ever used narcotics. Damn, I have to get something to read. Dr. Wilson: He was arrested on obscenity charges, went through a series of arrests because he just couldn't stop challenging the police. He became obssessed with his own legal problems and his act turned into long humorless rants about facist cops and the violation of his rights. Dr. Gregory House: I get it, I get it. I need to change my nightclub act. Need more props. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [Cuddy is in her office, crying. Wilson comes in] I'm busy. Dr. Wilson: You okay? Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Yeah, sure. Dr. Wilson: Um, what I mean by "Are you okay?" is "What the hell did House do?" Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Nothing. Dr. Wilson: What did he say? Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I've seen House been rude a thousand times, usually to achieve something. I have never seen him be mean just because he can. Dr. Wilson: Seriously? What did he say? Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [sighs] Nothing. Doesn't matter. Dr. Wilson: Well, I've seen House be rude to you a thousand times, but I've never seen it get it to you. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: People think that House has no inner censor. The fact is he holds himself back because when he wants to hurt, he knows just where to poke a sharp stick. [sniffs] Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I have been trying to get pregnant and House knew. He told me I was a failure as a mother. Dr. Wilson: And you're upset because you think he's right? Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I have had three separate implantations: the first two never took, the last one I... lost. Dr. Wilson: I'm sorry. You didn't fail. Those were physical events. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: A little girl is scared and in pain. I was awkward, terrified of doing the wrong thing. Dr. Wilson: That's normal, that's... Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I didn't hug her. I didn't even... reach out and hold her hand. I told her it was gonna be okay. Dr. Wilson: She needed reassurance. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I told her her folks might get back together. [laughs wrily] Dr. Lisa Cuddy: When I see people with their kids, it's so natural. It's like they have an instruction book imprinted on their genes. [voice breaking] Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Maybe I just didn't get a copy. Maybe my wanting to be a mother is like a tone-deaf person wanting to sing opera or a paraplegic who wants to... Dr. Wilson: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [sighs] Dr. Wilson: Well, I see what you mean about House poking the right spot. Dr. Wilson: [to Tritter] I'm gonna need 30 pieces of silver. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Kids (#1.19)" (2005) Dr. Gregory House: The eyes can mislead, a smile can lie, but the shoes always tell the truth. Dr. Wilson: They were Prada, which means she has good taste. Dr. Gregory House: They were not Prada. You wouldn't know Prada if one stepped on your scrotum. Dr. Wilson: Okay, well... they were nice, pointy. [House has just interviewed a new doctor that is more sarcastic then he is] Dr. Wilson: That's our Hitler! Dr. Wilson: You had the perfect person, and you blew it. Dr. Gregory House: You saw the shoes! Dr. Wilson: I'm not talking about her. Dr. Gregory House: You're talking about Cameron. Dr. Wilson: I'm talking about every woman you've ever given a damn about. Dr. Gregory House: Cameron is so not perfect. Dr. Wilson: Well, nobody's perfect. Dr. Gregory House: Mother Theresa? Dr. Wilson: Dead. Dr. Gregory House: Angelina Jolie? Dr. Wilson: No medical degree. Dr. Gregory House: Oh, so now who's being picky. Dr. Gregory House: [Obnoxiously] You Jewish? Dr. Petra Gilmar: [Keeping her cool] Yes. Dr. Gregory House: Is it true what they say about Jewish foreplay? Dr. Wilson: [Desperate to change the subject] Uh, uh - . Dr. Petra Gilmar: Two hours of begging? Dr. Gregory House: I heard four. Dr. Petra Gilmar: Well, actually I'm only half Jewish. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Distractions (#2.12)" (2006) Dr. Weber: [to House] Who are you? Dr. James Wilson: [in a sotto voce] Just a lunatic who needs a hobby. Dr. James Wilson: This guy's name is Weber, not von Lieberman. Dr. Gregory House: I call Weber "von Lieberman." Way eviler. Dr. Weber: Do I know you? Dr. Gregory House: I know your math skills, they blow. Dr. James Wilson: Touche. Dr. James Wilson: You have got to find less debilitating outlets than humilating people. I hear bowling is more fun than stalking. Dr. Gregory House: But I'm better at this. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Clueless (#2.15)" (2006) [Wilson is flipping through House's TiVo selections] Dr. Wilson: Now, why do you have a season pass to The New Yankee Workshop. Dr. House: It's a complete moron working with power tools, how much more suspenseful can you get? Dr. Wilson: My wife fired the maid. Apparently, she's getting rid of everything that reminds her of me. Dr. House: You did your maid? Dr. Wilson: I was nice to our maid, which annoyed her. God knows why. Dr. House: Maybe she was doing her. Dr. House: No one was doing her, all right? Dr. Wilson: I was watching something. Dr. House: No, you were about to watch something. I'm watching something. See the difference? Dr. Wilson: You're kicking me out? After one night? Dr. House: Why, you think we should try counseling first? ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Son of Coma Guy (#3.7)" (2006) Dr. James Wilson: Hi, do you guys deliver? Let me put it this way, if you deliver there'll be a $100 tip in it for you. Dr. Gregory House: Wilson, get out. Dr. James Wilson: No. Dr. Gregory House: You've lied to the cops enough for me. Dr. Gregory House: [after a moment] Maybe I don't want to push this 'til it breaks. Dr. Gregory House: You know what I found interesting about this case? Dr. James Wilson: That it proved that people can love unconditionally, and you can tell yourself it's not true, but you'll just end up in a hotel room in Atlantic City asking someone to cut your heart out? ________________________________________ "House M.D.: All In (#2.17)" (2006) Dr. Gregory House: [on phone to Wilson, who is playing poker with Cuddy] Keep your answers short and discreet. Is she still playing? Dr. James Wilson: The, uh, chicken is still in Piccadilly Square. Dr. Gregory House: Brilliant. She'll never suspect that Normandy is our target. Dr. Gregory House: [on phone to Wilson, who is playing poker with Cuddy] Go all in. Dr. James Wilson: You obviously want to bust me. Why, why would you... Dr. Gregory House: Either you go all in or I tell everyone in the building that you wear toenail polish. Dr. James Wilson: [beat] I'm all in. Dr. James Wilson: Have you read "Moby Dick"? Dr. Gregory House: It was a book? ________________________________________ "House M.D.: The Jerk (#3.23)" (2007) Dr. Lisa Cuddy: You killed Foreman's job interview. Dr. James Wilson: Why would I...? Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Somebody did. Wasn't me and it wasn't House, which means it has to be somebody who thought he was protecting House which means it has to be someone who actually likes house, which means it's either you or the weird janitor who wears his pants backwards. Dr. James Wilson: I want Foreman to leave. House has to realize he needs someone who stands up to him. Cameron is in love with him, Chase is afraid of him, and I enable him. House needs limits. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: I give him... Dr. James Wilson: You authorize magic mushrooms. Dr. James Wilson: House is a 6-year-old who thinks he's better off without parents. A few tummy-aches after dinners of ice cream and ketchup might do him some good. Dr. James Wilson: Cuddy thinks I sabotaged Foreman's interview. She's gonna fire me. Dr. Allison Cameron: I don't believe it. Dr. James Wilson: She said it was unprofessional and... Dr. Allison Cameron: No, I mean I literally don't believe it. Cuddy wouldn't fire you for something like that. [Wilson looks guilty] Dr. Allison Cameron: Which means either she lied to you or you're lying to me. Dr. James Wilson: You so would have fallen for that three years ago. Dr. Allison Cameron: You were looking for a reaction. You were looking for me to feel bad for you, save your skin. But how am I gonna save you? Unless you think I'm the one who really did it. Dr. James Wilson: Cuddy's logic was Foreman's valuable to House. I care about House. Ergo, I would do anything to save him. Dr. Allison Cameron: And your logic was I care about House as much as you do, ergo... [Wilson nods] Dr. Allison Cameron: It wasn't me. I don't care about House. Dr. James Wilson: I don't believe you. Dr. Allison Cameron: No one does. House is nothing more than my boss, Foreman's nothing more than a colleague. Dr. James Wilson: [nods his head] You're lying. Dr. Allison Cameron: Everyone does, but it wasn't me. Dr. James Wilson: [nods and leaves] ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Skin Deep (#2.13)" (2006) Dr. Wilson: [gruff disguised voice] House - this is God. Dr. Gregory House: [in MRI chamber] Look, I'm a little busy right now; not supposed to talk during this things - got time Thursday? Dr. Wilson: Let me check - ohh, I gotta plague! What about Friday? Dr. Gregory House: You'll have to check with Cameron. Dr. Wilson: Oh, dammit! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm going to come up with a new answer *this* time! Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [enters MRI room] House! Dr. Gregory House: Quick, God! Smite the evil witch! Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are you sitting on evidence that your patient was sexually abused by her father? Dr. Gregory House: God, why have you forsaken me? Dr. Wilson: [gruff disguised voice] House - this is God. Dr. Gregory House: [in MRI chamber] Look, I'm a little busy right now; not supposed to talk during these things - got time Thursday? Dr. Wilson: Let me check - ohh, I got a plague! What about Friday? Dr. Gregory House: You'll have to check with Cameron. Dr. Wilson: Oh, damn it! She always wants to know why bad things happen. Like I'm going to come up with a new answer *this* time! Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [enters MRI room] House! Dr. Gregory House: Quick, God! Smite the evil witch! Dr. Wilson: I heard you killed your supermodel. Dr. Gregory House: Just for a minute. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: House vs. God (#2.19)" (2006) Dr. Gregory House: Patient. Fifteen-year-old. Faith healer. Hotline to God. Dr. James Wilson: What are his symptoms? Dr. Gregory House: He is *not* a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing... Dr. James Wilson: And you're worried about trademark infringement? Dr. Gregory House: Patient. Fifteen-year-old. Faith healer. Hotline to God. Dr. James Wilson: What are his symptoms? Dr. Gregory House: He is *not* a saint. He figures out what's going on in people's lives by watching, listening, deducing... Dr. James Wilson: And you're worried about trademark infringement? Dr. Gregory House: ...then he passes on "advice from God" so he can watch them jump. It's a power trip. Dr. James Wilson: [satirically] Ah! And there the similarities end. Dr. James Wilson: House, you are... as God made you! ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Resignation (#3.22)" (2007) Dr. Gregory House: You are on anti-depressants Dr. Wilson: I am not on any anti-depressants, I'm on speed! [House offers Wilson a cup of coffee] Dr. Gregory House: Why are you suspicious? Dr. Wilson: Because it's either that or accept the fact that you've done something nice. And then I'd have to deal with the Horsemen and the Rain of Fire and the End of Days. Dr. Wilson: [after arguing with House] This is why I take anti-depressents. Dr. Gregory House: They're anti-depressents, not anti-annoyances. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: 97 Seconds (#4.3)" (2007) Dr. Gregory House: Hey Wilson! I'm gonna cut some cripple's eye out. Wanna come watch? Dr. Wilson: Good times. Dr. Wilson: Just looking at you hurts. I'm going to order up some extra pain medicine. Dr. Gregory House: I love you ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Cursed (#1.13)" (2005) Dr. Wilson: You want to get to the bottom of this, you're doing it exactly right: don't talk to the people involved. Drag your buddy away from work for some pointless speculation. Dr. Gregory House: You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them? No. They're gonna lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat. Dr. Wilson: Even I don't like you. Dr. Gregory House: You know, words can hurt. Dr. Gregory House: Why didn't you tell me that Rowan Chase was in to see you? Dr. Wilson: Ethics... confidentiality... does any of this ring a bell? ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Failure to Communicate (#2.10)" (2006) Dr. Wilson: Do you know your phone's dead? Do you ever recharge your batteries? Dr. Gregory House: They recharge? I just keep buying new phones. Dr. Wilson: [Wilson calls House on Stacy's cell phone] Do you know your phone's dead? Do you ever recharge your batteries? Dr. Gregory House: They recharge? I just keep buying new phones. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Daddy's Boy (#2.5)" (2005) Dr. James Wilson: We're discussing your new patient. Dr. Gregory House: Must be a boring discussion, considering that I haven't accepted a new patient. Dr. Cameron: Why does he hate seeing his parents? So his dad tells the truth, he can't handle that? Dr. James Wilson: He hates being a disappointment. Dr. Cameron: He's a doctor, world famous! How disappointed can they be? Dr. James Wilson: You know what I figure is worse than watching your son become crippled? Watching him be miserable. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Insensitive (#3.14)" (2007) Dr. Gregory House: I was curious. Since I'm not a cat, that's not dangerous. Dr. James Wilson: I don't think that metaphor was actually designed to warn cats. [House enters the men's room in a wheelchair] Dr. James Wilson: Ah, yes, if it isn't Doctor Ironside. Dr. Gregory House: Ah, if it isn't Doctor "I Had No Friends When I Was Growing Up, So All I Did Was Watch TV By Myself, Which Is Why I Can Now Make Pop Culture References Which No One Understands But Me." Dr. James Wilson: That's my name, don't wear it out. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Spin (#2.6)" (2005) Dr. Wilson: [House enters the cafeteria and snatches a bag of potato chips from Wilson's tray] Is there a light somewhere that goes on when I have food? Dr. Gregory House: Green for food, orange for beverages, red for impure thoughts. That bulb burns out every two weeks. Dr. Wilson: You really need to get some. Dr. Gregory House: I get "some" all the time. I always need to borrow "some" money. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Who's Your Daddy? (#2.23)" (2006) Dr. James Wilson: Why were you friends with this guy? Dr. Gregory House: We were 20. He had a car. If he'd been a girl, I'd have married him. Dr. James Wilson: [referring to House's encounter with Crandall's old girlfriend] And you blew it. Dr. Gregory House: Technically... [does reverse motion with hands] ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Poison (#1.8)" (2005) Dr. Robert Chase: Matt's mum won't make a move until she hears from the C.D.C. Dr. Wilson: Godot would be faster. Dr. Robert Chase: Matt's mom won't do anything until she gets that opinion from the CDC. Dr. Wilson: Godot would be faster. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Cane and Able (#3.2)" (2006) Dr. James Wilson: You're just like any other patient. Running away from knowledge that won't make you happy. Dr. Gregory House: I'm as happy as a pig in poop. Dr. James Wilson: You're scared the ketamine treatment's wearing off. That it was just a... torturous window to the good life. Dr. Gregory House: What part of "poop" didn't you understand? [last lines] Dr. James Wilson: I was afraid you'd think you were God... and that your wings would melt. Dr. Gregory House: [matter-of-factly] God doesn't have a limp. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Sex Kills (#2.14)" (2006) Dr. Gregory House: Wilson! How long can you go without sex? Dr. James Wilson: How long can you go without annoying people? Dr. James Wilson: It's not all about sex, House. Dr. Gregory House: Really? When did that change? ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Games (#4.9)" (2007) Dr. James Wilson: Dying's easy - living's hard! [pause] Dr. Gregory House: That can't possibly be as poignant as it sounded. Dr. James Wilson: What kind of a lawyer tells a man he has a case for the correct diagnosis? Dr. Gregory House: I've heard not all lawyers are as ethical as the ones we see on TV. Dr. James Wilson: I don't think he has a law degree. Dr. Gregory House: I've heard not all the lawyer on TV have them either. Dr. James Wilson: I think he has a medical degree. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Love Hurts (#1.20)" (2005) Dr. Wilson: [about Cameron] So she's really coming back? New Guy: Who's coming back? Dr. Gregory House: You don't know her. Dr. Wilson: You give her a raise? Increase her benefits? Dr. Gregory House: Don't have TiVo on this thing, can't rewind. Shut up. New Guy: You lower her hours? Dr. Gregory House: You don't even know her! Dr. Wilson: Who is this guy? Dr. Gregory House: He's a patient. New Guy: He's examining me. Dr. Gregory House: He's got to go back to work as soon as I'm done with the examination. Guess I do too. Dr. Wilson: It's got to be something. I mean, she didn't come back because she likes you. [House gets a strange look on his face] Dr. Wilson: Wait a minute! She did come back because she likes you! New Guy: Heh heh! You dog! You slept with her! Dr. Gregory House: Keep talking. I'll finish your exam with a prostate check. [to Wilson] Dr. Gregory House: I've agreed to take her on one date. Dr. Wilson: What? New Guy: So you into this girl? Dr. Wilson: Yes. Dr. Gregory House: No! She's not giving me any choice. New Guy: Wait... she's making you do her? Dr. Gregory House: Date her. Dr. Wilson: Young ingenue doctor falling in love with gruff, older mentor; her sweet gentle nature bringing him to a closer, fuller understanding of his wounded heart. New Guy: [puts his arm around House's shoulders] Do her, or you're gay. Dr. Gregory House: For God's sake. [grabs TV and as he's walking out the door] Dr. Wilson, New Guy: [singing] -sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G Dr. Gregory House: Grow up. And learn to harmonize. Dr. Wilson: I just want to make sure no one gets hurt. Dr. Cameron: I will be fine. Everyone's acting like I'm going out with Jack the Ripper. Dr. Wilson: Oh, it's not - it's not you I'm worried about. [Cameron looks at him quizzically] Dr. Wilson: It's been a long time since he opened up to someone and I - You better be *absolutely* sure you want this because if he opens up again and gets hurt - I don't think there's going to be a next time. Dr. Cameron: You're worried I'm going to break *his* heart? ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Act Your Age (#3.19)" (2007) Dr. James Wilson: You! You! You! You were gonna let me do that. Dr. Gregory House: You made a compelling argument. Dr. James Wilson: You sent those flowers to me. Dr. Gregory House: Yes, because you took her to a play. And because actually you do wanna march right there and kiss her. Dr. James Wilson: No, I don't. Dr. Gregory House: Yes, you do. Dr. James Wilson: You're right, I do. Dr. Gregory House: Seriously? Dr. James Wilson: No. You're a jerk. Dr. Gregory House: Night, Wilson. Dr. James Wilson: Night, House. Dr. Wilson: [House and Wilson are discussing Wilson's date with Cuddy the night before] Yes, I slept with her Dr. Gregory House: Seriously? Dr. Wilson: No. Dr. Gregory House: [House looks him over] Yes you did! Dr. Wilson: Yes... I did. Dr. Gregory House: Seriously? Dr. Wilson: No. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Half-Wit (#3.15)" (2007) Dr. James Wilson: Are you curious about heroin? Dr. Gregory House: Not since last year's Christmas party. Dr. James Wilson: I could set up a tower on the roof during a lightning storm, help you switch brains with your patient. Then you would be the brilliant pianist, and he would be the doctor hiding brain cancer from his friend. Dr. Gregory House: It's nothing. Dr. James Wilson: You need to talk about it. Dr. Gregory House: You need to talk about it. Dr. James Wilson: At least let me look at your medical file. Dr. Gregory House: You're making a big deal out of nothing. Who else knows? Dr. James Wilson: No one, and cancer is not nothing. Dr. Gregory House: Sorry, didn't mean to offend your specialty. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: The Mistake (#2.8)" (2005) Dr. James Wilson: [to House] Your distain for human interaction doesn't exculpate you, it inculpates you! Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [motions towards Foreman] Dr. House. Meet your new boss. Dr. James Wilson: Guess I'm his best friend now. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Occam's Razor (#1.3)" (2004) Dr. James Wilson: Beauty often seduces us on the road to truth. Dr. Gregory House: And triteness kicks us in the nads. Dr. James Wilson: That smugness of yours really is an attractive quality. Dr. Gregory House: Thank you. It was either that or get my hair highlighted. Smugness is easier to maintain. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Sleeping Dogs Lie (#2.18)" (2006) Dr. James Wilson: Foreman should've told her. Dr. Gregory House: Should'a, would'a, could'a. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Deception (#2.9)" (2005) Dr. Eric Foreman: Can I talk to you about something in confidence? Dr. Wilson: Of course. Dr. Eric Foreman: It's about House. Dr. Wilson: Oh, then, no. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Safe (#2.16)" (2006) Dr. James Wilson: [enters House's apartment after waiting for hours outside his door] Where's... the hooker, I assume? Dr. Gregory House: [points at his own head] Right up here, buddy. Dr. James Wilson: You said... you'd hang the stethoscope if you were having sex. Dr. Gregory House: I didn't say it had to be with another person. [Wilson makes totally grossed-out face] Dr. Gregory House: Can you think of anything that would tie together anaphylaxis and heart failure? Dr. James Wilson: No. I was waiting out there for hours! Dr. Gregory House: Well, I need a lot of foreplay. And then there's the cuddling afterwards. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: The Honeymoon (#1.22)" (2005) Dr. James Wilson: Hey, you have to treat this like a regular case. [House gets into the elevator] Dr. James Wilson: Be yourself: cold, uncaring, distant. Dr. Gregory House: Please, don't put me on a pedestal. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Mob Rules (#1.15)" (2005) Dr. Gregory House: My car's been stolen. Dr. Wilson: [sees expensive car in House's spot] Or rein-car-nated. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Mirror Mirror (#4.5)" (2007) Dr. Lisa Cuddy: [after Cuddy's admitted to changing House's vicodin with laxatives] I'm not gonna fire Foreman! Dr. James Wilson: I said make him *think* he's won. Find some other way to soothe his ego. Thing's big enough. There must be some corner you can polish. Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Where were you two hours ago? Dr. James Wilson: ...Where were you? [cut to House exiting the restroom] ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Babies & Bathwater (#1.18)" (2005) Dr. James Wilson: I have no kids. My marriage sucks. I only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid screwed up friendship and neither mattered enough for you to give one lousy speech! Dr. Gregory House: They mattered. If I could do it all again... Dr. James Wilson: You'd do the exact same thing. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Needle in a Haystack (#3.13)" (2007) Dr. Wilson: Ah yes, if it isn't Doctor Ironside. Dr. Gregory House: Ah, if it isn't Doctor 'I Had No Friends Growing Up, So All I Did Was Watch TV By Myself, Which Is Why I Can Now Make Pop Culture References That Nobody Understands But Me'. Dr. Wilson: That's my name... don't wear it out. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Heavy (#1.16)" (2005) Dr. Gregory House: I'm thinking I can convince Vogler it'll be more cost-efficient to keep all of them. Dr. James Wilson: You should be able to pull that off. Most billionaires aren't very good with numbers. Dr. Gregory House: It will be more cost-efficient once I grab Cameron's ass, call Foreman a spade, and Chase... well, I'll grab his ass too. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Forever (#2.22)" (2006) Dr. James Wilson: I'm checking her saliva for cancer. Dr. Gregory House: Yeah, I do that after all my dates too. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: It's a Wonderful Lie (#4.10)" (2008) Dr. Gregory House: [in reference to reindeer antlers on Wilson's head] Would you take those off? Dr. James Wilson: No. It's Christmas. Dr. Gregory House: It's a moose on a Jew. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Fools for Love (#3.5)" (2006) Dr. James Wilson: Your real fear is me having a good relationship. Dr. Gregory House: Yes, it keeps me up at night. That and the Loch Ness Monster, global warming, evolution, other fictional concepts. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Ugly (#4.7)" (2007) Dr. Gregory House: I think I'm going blind. Dr. James Wilson: Hairy palms too? Dr. Gregory House: No... she said something idiotic again and I didn't even notice it. Foreman had to point out it was idiotic. She's making me an idiot. Dr. James Wilson: It's cute, you have a crush. Dr. Gregory House: No, I think it's something systemic. Dr. James Wilson: 13's pretty, you're obviously okay with her. Dr. Gregory House: She killed a patient! Dr. James Wilson: The bitch is pretty. Dr. Gregory House: The bitch is a bitch. Dr. James Wilson: Ask her out. Dr. Gregory House: What, the bitch? She's a bitch. Dr. James Wilson: No, the one that's making you an idiot. It's the story of life: boy meets girl, boy gets stupid, boy and girl live stupidly ever after. [House's beeper goes off] Dr. James Wilson: Pretty girl kill again? Dr. Gregory House: Nope, Elephant Boy just vomiting up blood again. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: One Day, One Room (#3.12)" (2007) Dr. Wilson: [to House] Are we role-playing? Am I you? I don't want to be you. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Meaning (#3.1)" (2006) Dr. Gregory House: I've changed. Dr. James Wilson: No, you haven't. Dr. Gregory House: No, I haven't. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Fidelity (#1.7)" (2004) Dr. Gregory House: Your lips say no but your shoes say yes. Dr. Wilson: They're French; you can't trust a word they say. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: DNR (#1.9)" (2005) Dr. James Wilson: some doctors have the messiahcomplex they need to save the world you, you have the rubicscomplex you need to solve the puzzle ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Human Error (#3.24)" (2007) Dr. Eric Foreman: I don't wanna solve cases! I wanna save lives. Dr. Gregory House: You think she cares? You think the husband cares? You think the children, she can now have because of me, are gonna care why I saved her? Dr. Eric Foreman: I care. Dr. Gregory House: About yourself. About your own ego. Dr. James Wilson: House... Dr. Gregory House: [stands up and walks toward Foreman] You're the selfish bastard, not me. Which is why you took so much pleasure drawing out this little goodbye of yours for the last three weeks. It wasn't for me... It wasn't for anyone! It sure as hell didn't help anyone! Dr. Eric Foreman: [looks shocked; then sneers and walks out] Dr. James Wilson: Nice try. Dr. Gregory House: Nice tries are worthless. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Euphoria: Part 2 (#2.21)" (2006) Dr. James Wilson: [enters House's office to see House staring intently at his laptop] You're accessing a webcam? Dr. Gregory House: Cuddy's shower. You a fan of the Brazilian? ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Hunting (#2.7)" (2005) Dr. Wilson: So now you've got to drum up another excuse to be around the love of your life. Could hit another patient? Dr. Gregory House: Nah, don't like to repeat myself. People will say I'm formulaic. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Three Stories (#1.21)" (2005) Dr. Gregory House: [after telling Wilson that Stacy has asked House for help] So I should help her because she hates me? Dr. James Wilson: She doesn't *hate* you. She *loves* you... she just can't... stand to be around you. ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Lines in the Sand (#3.4)" (2006) Dr. Lisa Cuddy: Are we stopping here so House doesn't hear us? Dr. James Wilson: Unless you wanna make out? ________________________________________ "House M.D.: Acceptance (#2.1)" (2005) Dr. James Wilson: Do you know why people are nice to other people? Dr. Gregory House: Oh, I know this one! Because people are good, decent, and caring. Either that or people are cowards. If I'm mean to you, you'll be mean to me. Mutually-assured destruction. Dr. James Wilson: Exactly.
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