The attached is an actual letter that was sent to a
bank by a 96 year-old.......woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have
it published in the New York Times.
she must be one feisty lady!!!
To whom it may concern;
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check
with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have
elapsed between his depositing the check and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly transfer of funds
from my modest savings account, an arrangement which,
I admit, has been in place for only thirty-one years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of
opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way
of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this
incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone
calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted
by the impersonal, overcharging, faceless prerecorded entity
which your bank has recently become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a
flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments
will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic,
but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally
and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you
must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the
Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status form
which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know
as much about him or her as your bank knows about me,
there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his
or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary
Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course, I will issue your employee a PIN
number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret
that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it
on the number of button presses required of me to access my account
balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the
sincerest form of flattery.
Please allow me to level the playing field even
further. When you call me,
you will now have a menu of options on my new voice
mail system to choose
from.
Please press the buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone
(mip://00fc1fc8/mobile%20phone) if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer,
a password to access my computer is required.
Such passwords will be communicated to your
Authorized Contact at a later time and date as is comfortable for me.
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7
over again.
9. To speak live to my pet cat who is in charge of litter
To make a general complaint or inquiry, press buttons as indicated above.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my
automated answering service. While this may, on occasion involve
a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee of $50 to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
Please credit my account after each occasion.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client,
(Remember: This was written by a 96 year old woman)