For those of you wondering if I've finally lost my fucking mind. Yes in a way I have. I will spare you all the relationship details as they have small bearing on the events of the past week. I did have a child murdered today, the act was not done by my hand (directly), but all in all I am still going to burn for my part in this. I was told by my doctors back in september when i refilled my prescription that the longer I take the drugs I'm taking the greater the chance of me not being able to reproduce anymore. Well considering the amount of children I already have, that might not be a bad thing.
Well here it is a few months later, and im told by my then gf that she is pregnant. FUCK!!! Well being the type of person I am. I am not going to run away from this. I tried to list the options available to us. None of them were viable for her.
I should take a minute here to state my opinions on this matter. I am against abortion, I believe it is murder. I do believe it can be used in special cases, i.e . rape incest, and the horrific birth defects, or issues relating to the mothers or childs health and well being. IT SHOULD NEVER BE USED AS A FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL. If your adult enough to spread your thighs ladies and gentleman, then you should be adult enough to take care of the end results of your actions. I have been paying for my "philandering" as a teen for many years and will continue to do so for many,many years to come. Please "think" people it isnt that much to ask for is it.
But anyway, it appears that my opinions were not at all welcome in this decision. She was of the mind that she wanted no more children. She has two from her past marriage. I could have dealt with that fact given enough time. I was under the opinion that we were starting a life together ( us not the baby). But she was also of the opinion that she was not ever getting married again. Those thoughts were stated at the beginning of the relationship. I clearly stated that was what i was looking for. I was looking for the long term. We didnt jump into anything, it was a slow process and that is new for me. It worked out great. But me being the big hearted guy I am. I fell for her.
One of the biggest draw backs (from what I know of me) is that when I fall in love. I fall hard because i love with everything that I am. I give everything I have to give. Thats why the previous relationship prior to her were disasters. I give everything I have and am taken advantage of time and time again. Love I do believe blinds me to the little extra curricular activities of these women. Not all of them were cheating, but the majority were. But when you love, you trust implicitly. Ive spent more time trying to "not" do this, but it always fails. Nothing can be done to change my caring nature. But i can change the way in which it is administered.
Getting ahead of myself again. since the options i presented to her were not viable. And the thought of taking some one elses thoughs and feelings into consideration was not an option. I was left with little choice, but to go along with the murder that took place this afternoon. I payed for half of this "procedure" as it were. Ive spent hours upon hours trying to talk about these things, but it was all not for naught.
What is pissing me off the most about all of this is the fact that I was taking precautions against pregnency. She was not. She placed her faith in my medication. Since nothing in this world but abstinance and sterilization are foolproof I wondered where we were gonna end up. She used nothing, and for the almost 5 months of our relationship, nothing happened. But when things did happen. We broke up shortly (bout 2 or 3 days) before she found out she was pregnant. I did everything I was suppossed to do, and yet once again, my heart gets broken, my child gets murdered, and I'm left holding the bag once again, because a woman couldn't deal with her problems.
I've been told by more than one person that I have a self righteous attitude, that I think I know all the answers, or that my life is so much better than theirs. Well in a few small ways, this is both true and untrue. My seemingly "self righteousness" stems from the fact that I have an outsiders point of view that you might not have. I also have a shitload of mistakes in my past to draw on to help make the correct decisions now. I also see may things a black and white. I don't try to draw drama into my life. I see a problem, i do what I can right then to correct it. I guess that the hardest thing a person will ever have to do is admit that their wrong. I have done so more times than i care to remember. I really don't think that changing is that hard for most people, I believe that the ramifications and the work involved in making those changes happen are what frighten most people away.
Granted I am no saint. I will be burning in a deeper pit in hell than most of the people ive talked about and/or scorned in this life. I have no problems paying fo rmy mistakes, but it really burns me that when i try an show someone a different perspective of something, or another possible way out of a situation. It always ends badly for me.
That being the case. I am now officially withdrawing into myself. You people are nothing more that ignorant little thorns cutting into one another, merely because you don't see what lies in front of you. It has taken the world 32 years to finally get to me and kill whatever it is that many of you found so wonderful. I am truely sorry for your loss. I guess I am too. But maybe this way, the uncertainty will forever end. I can no longer stand to give everything of myself , be it a relationship or advice, or a caring shoulder to cry on. I am starting to grow cold and callous. I welcome the numbness as it is preferable to the misery i subject myself too. I'm sorry I can't do this any longer...
Joshua
Rest in Peace little one. I'm sorry I failed to protect you. May god have mercy for my failures. Goodbye
