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Girl's blog: "Here I go...."

created on 12/30/2006  |  http://fubar.com/here-i-go/b39261
I hate being lied to I hate being hot I hate being yelled at I hate being pulled over I hate getting tickets I hate working retail I hate fast food I hate being told what to do I hate breaking my nails I hate stubbing my toe I hate when I trip I hate slipping on the ice I hate getting hurt I hate feeling lonley I hate when my ex calls me I hate when I answer I hate when my mom worries I hate when I work hard for no reason I hate when people don't call me back I hate packing I hate moving furniture I hate missing people I hate saving money I hate waiting I hate loving...and not being loved back I hate leaving I hate saying goodbye I hate when people rush me I hate feeling out of control I hate being disappointed (In myself or others) I hate when people give up (on themseleves or others) I hate when people tell me to be quiet I hate being made fun of I hate when people make me feel stupid (when I AM NOT) I hate cold soup I hate day old french fries I hate when I meet people and instantly fall in love with them.... then they leave I hate when my friends drop out of school I hate when people fuck with my friends I hate when people see me cry I hate feeling weak I hate when my sisters are hurting I hate when I can't help I hate loosing faith (in myself, in others, in god) I hate when people who don't know me well call me "Ash" I hate when anyone but my family call me "Birdy" I hate when I go for weeks with out talking to my brother Matt I hate when I loose my cell phone I hate when I loose my keys I hate when people spill on me I hate going to the doctor I hate going to the dentist I hate getting shots I hate allergies I hate when people see me w/o make-up (or before I shower for the day) I hate when people talk during movies I hate when people think that they can handle me and they can't I hate getting sick I hate being sad I hate when I have to wear my glasses I hate when people make fun of my laugh I hate when people act like they know me and they don't I hate when people correct my english I hate waking up early I hate when I can't sleep I hate my nervous stomach I hate when people are mad at me I hate when things break (my cell phone, my heart...ect) I hate throwing up I hate my exboyfriend I hate when people say things that they don't mean I hate when people break promises I hate when people cut me off I hate telemarketers I hate when people make bad choices I hate when people can't take a joke I hate when people ask me to play the piano for them I hate when people ask me to sing for them.... and them alone I hate when people are rude to thier parents I hate when people are inconsiderate I hate when people smile when they want to cry I hate when people hide thier feelings I hate math I hate paper cuts I hate feeling tired I hate when I have to sleep in my room alone I hate driving in the rain/snow/sleet I hate when people ask for naked pictures (NO) I hate going over my mins on my cell I hate basketball I hate cats I hAtE wHeN pEoPlE tYpE lIkE tHiS I hate when people I don't know touch me I hate bad dreams I hate when I spell things wrong I hate when I stub my toe and it breaks I hate when I try to make something and it doesn't turn out I hate when my fish run away from me when I try to change the water I hate golf I hate "trends" I hate apple juice I hate carelessness...
I love my family I love my friends I love my sorority sisters I love living in my house (1619) I love brushing my teeth I love taking really really hot showers I love the winter/snow/cold I love driving in the summer I love taking walks I love being with my friends I love hanging out with my sisters and my mom I love lotion/body spray/perfume ect I love tattoos I love rap and hip-hop I love to dance.... I love watching the rain through my window I love lightning I love diet soda I love cherries (but im allergic) I love getting my nails and toes done I love interracial dating :) I love african american studies I love WIU I love social work I love kids I love lip gloss I love clean clothes I love COPS (yes police officers) I love cuddling/being held I love my laugh (it's loud and genuine) I love to talk.... to everyone I love bonfires in my back yard in the summer I love the gang from high school I love being busy I love sleeping in I love going to class I love feeing sophisticated drinking coffee wearing my scarf and walking around campus I love the FRAT men and sorority life I love back massages I love english/reading/writting/poetry ect I love controversy I love to debate I love Football and Baseball I love the bears I love horror movies I love being happy I love laughing I love going to school I love dreaming (BIG) I love to sing I love my roommates I love my Puppy Jacque I love my computer I love staying up late I love to wear jeans and tee shirts/hoodies I love to be comfortable I love kissing and hugging I love to get dressed up I love attention (yepp... i dont care) I love being the one people turn to I love giving and getting advice I love infomercials (when im bored) I love movies based on true stories I love nick at night I love going to bars and not drinking I love homecoming and greek week I love fundraising I love going to the rec and working out I love my roommate Kristen (favorite) I love painting my nails (when I have nothing better to do) I love doing nothing with the people I love I love to waste time I love to schedule EVERYTHING I love to make lists I love Express and Victoria's Secret I love getting mail!!! I love going on first dates (interviews) I love meeting new people I love asking questions I love when people ask me questions I love helping people I love jewlery I love thinking ahead I love Dooney and Burke and Coach bags I love sweaters I love learning new things I love being challenged I love doing things people don't expect I love being classy I love being a lady (or not either way) I love playing NAME THE MOVIE with my sister I love looking at the stars in Macomb (they are 100 times clearer there) I love Chicago I love surprises I love when people do things I don't expect I love rockin out to old school jams with my roommate Kristen (Whitney Houston's Always Love You has been a favorite for a while as well as BBMak's Back Here, Brian McKnight's Back At One, and Brittany Spears Lucky) I love the music that brings back memories I love to take pictures I love looking at old pictures I love talking on the phone late at night (to my lover) I love having passionate, tear eachother up, sweaty, intense, stare into eachother's souls sex. (wow, I got hot just thinking about it. haha That hasn't happend for QUITE some time) I love flirting (even after we've been together for a while) I love holding hands in public and cheek kissing

I'll lay it out for you....

Ok... here's what you need to know before you try to get in a relationship with me. (1) Know that I hate, I mean absolutly hate not being called back. It shows me that not only do you not give a shit that I called, but it shows me that you don't want to talk to me. (2) If I get upset about something because of you or something you did then you need to talk to me about it NOW you need to talk about it with me WHEN it happens. Don't wait to talk about it, I'll get even more mad. (3) I get hurt easily, I feel neglected easily, and when it happens I need to feel loved. That may just mean a simple "I miss you", "I care about you", "You mean a lot to me" anything just to make me feel like I matter to you. (4) Going along with that I need to feel like I matter to you. I need to feel like you want me. More then just sexually I need to feel like you want to talk to me/be with me. (5) Respect is HUGE to me... Think aobut it like this you don't want to see a man swear at your mother, hit your mother, or disrespect your mother. If you don't want to see a man do that shit to your mom don't do it to me. (6) I have a back breaking schedule and 1/2 of that is because I try SO hard to please everyone that I need to and because I put my whole heart into everything I do because I want to do everything I put my name on RIGHT. (9) Adding onto that this is the reason I don't fuck around when it comes to relationships. The man I decide to date is a direct representation of me, therefore I refuse to look stupid in that relationship. Yes I do admit that I have made some bad decisions when it came to my relationships. The man I thought I was in "love" with was abusing me physically and emotionally. But I was young(15-17) and I thought I was in love so I put up with it all for too long. Now I refuse to let anyone else bring me down. I will do right by myself. Now, I realize that every man I date will NOT be "the one" but I treat every relationship as if it had that potential. Everyone deserves to be treated the same until they prove me otherwise. (10) NOW with that being said... YOU ARE REPLACABLE. If you make the decision to hurt me, neglect me, mistreat me, whatever I WILL find a man who will love me truly and you will see me walk away from you. I think I'm done, with all that on the table. NOW after I say all this, I can request these things because I DO THESE THINGS. I treat every man I'm with, with the most respect (until he disrespects me), I make him feel like I need him/care about him (until he hurts me), I return phone calls, and I give him all I can (until he proves to me that he doesn't deserve it anymore)

Love these songs lately...

For my Latin Lovers!!! Mi amor I’m not sure of the right words to say Maybe these simple words will do best to best explain What I feel in my heart What I feel more each day How to make you see How to let you know How to say how to say how I love you so With words you understand Words that get right through to your heart Here’s the place to start Tu Amor, I will always be Tu Amor, means the world to me Esteras siempre en mi corazon You’re the one in my soul And I live for tu amor, tu amor Mi amor love you more with each look in your eyes Maybe these simple words will do best to best describe What I feel in my heart What I’ll feel for all time How to make you see How to let you know How to say how to say how I need you With words you understand Words that get through to your soul Words that will let you know Tu Amor, I will always be Tu Amor, means the world to me Esteras siempre en mi corazon You’re the one in my soul And I live for tu amor, tu amor You’re the one that I need in my arms Believe me these words I say are words that come straight from my heart How do I make you believe Nothing else means as much as what you mean to me Tu Amor, I will always be Tu Amor, means the world to me Esteras siempre en mi corazon You’re the one in my soul And I live for tu amor, tu amor -RBD Tu Amor (aaaahhhhh) (Xtreme) (check it out now) (yoo Dre, let'em know, we next) (Ooooooo) El tiempo pasa y pasa y yo sigo asi queriendote en mis brasos sin poderte tener y busco una salida para no verme asi ay que lejos de mi lado tu amor esta de mi yo lloro y lloro al saber que no estas con mis labios mira mami yo te quiero besar y trato y trato por no sentirme asi pero eres malo saber que ya no me quieres a mi (yeah, check it out now) -Coro- Mira, como estoy sufriendo Me quemo por dentro, por sentir tu amor, (yeahh) Mami, no me hagas, eso sabes que te quiero, (Oooooo) con todo el corazon (Uhhhh, yoo, picapiedra, te gusto eeh? Xtreme) (check it out now) (show 'em what we got Elvis) Oooooooooo, Extreme Yeah, Te amo y te extraño quiero verte junto a mi abrasados de las manos y estar junto a ti pero me mata la conciencia el saber que no esta aqui o baby why you gotta be doing this to me me duele tanto de saber que ya no eres para mi y ese lindo cuerpesito que contigo comparti me duele tanto saber que ya no eres para mi te extraño.. Ay amor(Ay amor)..Como me duele! estar sin ti tu no me amas (yoo Juan show'em how it's done) -Coro- Mira(ay mira) como estoy sufriendo (ayyy) Me quemo por dentro (y por dentro) por sentir tu amor (por sentir tu amor!!) Mami (ay mami) no me hagas eso (anjaa) sabes que te quiero (ay que te quiero) con todo el corazon (nanainanainanainanana.... ay amor.... ahhh ...oooo...oooo.. -Xtreme Te Extrano For my lover... (this song hits it home for me) Oh no I know you think it ain't my place to say how I feel. But I'm gonna say it anyway cuz I gotta keep it real. I know you tired of trying to make it be something it's truly not. Girl, it kills me everyday to see you in tears. And it amazes me the way you put up all these years. You be tweaking tryna make it work. But you keeping in that hurt. Oh baby, listen to me. You don't have to wait. I can ease your pain. (I can ease your pain) You don't have to be left out in the rain. Don't just say you're fed up. (Fed up) Tired of love. (Of love, no) Whatever you need I got it. Come with me. You don't have to stay up waiting by the phone. (Oh no girl) You don't have to ever feel like you're alone. (Feel like you're alone, no) Don't just say you're fed up. Tired of love. Whatever you need I got it. Come with me, yeah. (Come with me, oh no) You're the type that always said you don't need a man. Who's gonna make your heart stop over and again? And now you're telling me that you're ok. But you don't realize you getting more pain then gain. And I ain't never been the kind to steer you wrong. If you trust me as your friend, then trust me with your heart, girl. It don't take alot to understand you need yourself another man, whoa. You don't have to wait. I can ease your pain. (You ain't gotta wait) You don't have to be left out in the rain. (Ohhh) Don't just say you're fed up. (Fed up) Tired of love. (Tired of love) Whatever you need I got it. Come with me. You don't have to stay up waiting by the phone. (Don't wait by the phone baby) You don't have to ever feel like you're alone. (You don't have to feel like you're alone) Don't just say you're fed up. (Don't say you're fed up) Tired of love. (That you've had enough) Whatever you need I got it. Come with me, yeah. (Baby go with me, oh yeah) Don't give up, girl. (Girl) Don't give up, girl. (Girl) Don't give up, girl. You don't have to do it, baby. Don't give up, girl. (No) Don't give up, girl. (No) Don't give up, girl. You don't have to do it, baby. (Ohh baby) Don't give up, girl. (Don't give up girl) Don't give up, girl. Don't give up, girl. You don't have to do it, baby. (Oh no) Don't give up, girl. Don't give up, girl. Don't give up, girl. You don't have to do it, baby. (Oh no) You don't have to wait. (Hey) I can ease your pain. (Oh baby) You don't have to be left out in the rain. Don't just say you're fed up. Tired of love. (I know you're tired of love, baby) Whatever you need I got it. Come with me. You don't have to stay up waiting by the phone. (Hey, waiting by the phone) You don't have to ever feel like you're alone. (Ohh, don't you feel like you're alone) Don't just say you're fed up. Tired of love. (And you're tired of love) Whatever you need I got it. Come with me, yeah. (I got babygirl) Oh, baby. Don't give up on love, shorty. Because I'm here. I'm here. -Sammie Come With Me SEXXX It aint nothing like the first time Im tryna tell you i can blow your mind Baby if i touch you here and kiss you there Gonna fall in love shorty, best beware This aint no love song More like a cut song You say your day was long, well tell daddy whats wrong Imma tell you one time -- just relax and unwind Whisper sweet nothings now you blushing, chills down your spine Oh yea you hot and tempted Oh no not pretty ricky But when you grind on me Imma leave you hot and drippin Slip in those satin sheets Now go and roll over Oh yea its up and down motions like a rollercoaster I see she up on top You all on my jock Imma do it nonstop, until your cherry pop Imma keep going and going, the energizer bunny Mr long john all in your tummy It aint nothing like the first time Im tryna tell you i can blow your mind Baby if i touch you here and kiss you there Gonna fall in love shorty, best beware Wont you let me introduce ya to thug karmasutra This aint no lovey dovey (nah) but watch how i seduce ya Girl im the man, i- i- im the man I push the right buttons and the sex on demand Oh yea i like it slow Baby be easy Ooo, watch ya teeth Baby be easy Tell me your vicky secrets, tell me all the dirt You smell like peaches, must bath & body works Love the way your body work, imma make your body rock Once you climax, you feel the aftershock (i know i got you hooked on this lovin' Dont get it twisted, we just cutin' baby) It aint nothing like the first time Im tryna tell you i can blow your mind Baby if i touch you here and kiss you there Gonna fall in love shorty, best beware Yea i know i know, i still aint went soft But i gotta go, lets hit the shower baby, its time to rinse off I'll wash yours, you wash mine, i adore it the first time I blew yours, you blew mines, sometimes i'll drop you a line But look dont tell nobody, just keep it on the low Not your best friend, not your cousin, nobodys gotta know I know it sounds crazy, but thats just how it is Yung J-O-C, long live, long live It aint nothing like the first time Im tryna tell you i can blow your mind Baby if i touch you here and kiss you there Gonna fall in love shorty, best beware -Yung Joc 1st Time
"If you care about someone they might break your heart, if you don't care about them, you might break thiers." **This quote helps me remember that no matter what, even after someone hurts me, that if I stop caring I might break thier heart. I would rather endure the pain, becuase I know I can handle it. Then have someone else hurt on my account. "Be kind, for everyone you know is fighting a hard battle" **NO matter what the problem, everyone has something going on... thus the reason I try not to go around bitching about anything.... (this doesnt apply to my blog, I get to bitch all I want there because you choose to read it. lol)But also, I am always there to listen no matter what. I don't care if I don't really like the person... it doesn't matter if they need me... I'll be there because I know it gets hard. Don't be afriad of what will happen if you DO, be afriad of what will happen if you DON'T. Take Risks.... **Whenever I get scared to try something new I (as any normal person would) I weigh the outcome. But I try not to worry what will happen if I do, but what will happen if I don't... this thought alone has caused me to take more and more risks. It's amazing... to do something out of the ordinary. With out suffering, there is no compassion... **Every hard time I go through something this quote pops into my head. If it wasn't for rain there would be no rainbows! lol It takes hard times to make you apprieciate the good times. It takes tears to make a smile beautiful. RISK more than others think is safe. CARE more than others think is wise. DREAM more than others think is practical. EXPECT more than others think is possible. ** ALWAYS strive for more, ALWAYS think you deserve better, ALWAYS be daring, ALWAYS dream big, and this way you will leave your mark on the world!!

Lonely....

I have never been one to really desire any sort of companionship. I was always sort of independent and I was happy with that... even when I had a boyfriend (2 1/2 years together and I never felt like I missed his ass when he wasn't there) I could handle going without talking to them for a day or two... ive just always been kind of a do it myself, be by myslef person. But lately it seems like all I want is someone to be by me. I'm kinda sick of this single life shit that everyone is trying to tell me is SOOOOO great. I don't think it's great at all, I think it's shitty. I've been happily single since 2004 (of course there was the occasional asshole... but nothing serious) But MORE then I am sick of the "single life" I'm sick of guys who think they're "grown ass men" who can't make grown man moves... OR better yet pull some PUSSY shit on me. Example one Rob we were together and when he tried to have sex with me and I said no he was like I don't think this is going to work (THEN WENT AND STARTED DATING MY SOROR!!!) Are you fuckin serious (not to sound cocky but...) I'm a damn good girl and this stupid ass want to let me go because I wouldn't have sex with him?? Fuck that. That's some little boy shit, he was 23. Next example Steve... grown ass man, 27 years old, police officer... pretty good guy. Couldn't hold a damn conversation with out mentioning how "horny" he was or how much I turned him on. HOW OLD ARE YOU 13?? It's just T&A get over it!!! Try to sound like an educated person... not a horny 8th grader. We were together for 4 months and the idiot asked me to drop out of school and marry him. WOW Next... Alex, oh Lord. 23 years old, college grad, would rather play video games then work. Do something with ya life!! You can possibly expect me to be with you when all you want to do is sit on ya ass in ya parents house and play video games. PLEASE by the time I'm 23 I'll have 2 degrees under my belt and a mother fuckin job. I can't handle all that. My last shinning example... this one will go unnamed because I know he will come across this blog eventually and there is no need to be mean or anything (the others none ya'll know them so I can be as mean as I want to them...) But I have a BIG problem with "grown ass men" who live off their parent's money. (My parents dont give me shit. I work and go to school) That and if your 22 and you still don't do your own fucking laundry...I pity the dumb bitch that say yes to that. Hell no. I never go home... this is college I didn't work my ass off in high school to go to a 4year just to go home EVERY FUCKING WEEKEND TO HAVE MY MOMMY DO MY DAMN LAUNDRY! Holy shit... grow the hell up. No I don't want to be with you I don't want to end up 30 with 4 of ya kids cookin and doin your fucking laundry. haha! Wow...this is usually why I date older men but damn it seems like they never grow up! It dob't matter how old they get... they still the same selfish as all hell and stupid. DON'T get me wrong!! SOME of us have found the shinning stars of the male species... but DAMN all the females out there got to agree... we had to go through some HELLA shit to get to the good ones. For every 7 ASSHOLES there is one worthwhile guy... hope a good girl snatches him up. :) Well I am done bitchin for now... Everyone have a great night. Be careful and safe!! KISSES!

Bitching....

So, have you ever had one of those days when you really just wanted everyone to leave you the hell alone?? Well today was one of those days for me, I just didn't really want to talk to anyone...for not reason in partiular, I just didn't feel like engaging in some bull shit conversation that wasn't really going to benefit me at the time. I feel like nothing went my way tonight... nothing at all. I feel like I'm in over my head for some reason. I hate this feeling, I thought I got over this when I was 16, apparently I was wrong. For all of you that don't know I used to have really bad panic attacks when I was in high school, my family and my doctor blames my exboyfriend...I blame him too. lol. Anyway they started when I was a sophomore in high school and didn't stop for 2 years. Well, I've gone over 2 years with out having a serious panic attack and I thought they were over...I thought I grew out of it do to speak. Well, last night for no reason at all I went from happy to completly stressed out. I just thought I was freaking myself out.... well.... I laid down to go to bed and started feeling that tight chested, swollen throat feelin I would get when I was about to have a panic attack and of course I did the usual try to calm down...chill out... breathe normally... all the bull shit my Dr. tried to teach me when I was in high school (by the way that shit doesn't help you just gotta ride it out) So this goes on for what seems like hours when really it was probably all of 2 mins...when I try to get up I can't move... I hate this part the most. Panic paralyzation.... I used to have sleep paralysis where I'd wake up mentally but my body was slow to respond. :( It would only take like a min to recover but it's never happend when I was fully alert not a second before hand. So I was damn near terrified. I hate this... I hate not feeling in control. On top of all the stress I already had I got a job offer today... a really good job offer.... and they made it seem like they really want me... I applied thursday (4 days later they call to interview) They want me to interview Wednesday. It's a residential camp for kids with Autism.... Now If you know anything about me at all, you know that I love Autistic children (my #1 girl has Autism!) BUT!!! The job is in Minnesota... help! :(
So I've started to wonder if everyone has that someone. If everyone has that one other person in life that they are supposed to be with for ever. If there is one other soul out there that is perfectly complimentary to mine. Is there a love out there that is like the love displayed in movies or sung about in all the great love songs? Or am I going to have to walk the world alone, forever a single white female? There are times when I think that I will find that love and I will be happy with it forever, then there are times when I think that I will never find the one person that makes me truly happy. Then the saddest thought of them all, I sometimes think that my true love it no where near me at all. I fear that I know him and that the one thing standing in our way of being together and being happy is our location. Yes, I know some say that if it is love, it will overcome all obstacles. But some part of me fears that if I don't make a move nothing will ever happen. So here is my question.... will love find me or do I have to go find it?

Back at 1619

Well, being back at 1619 could not get any better!!! I finally have a bottom bunk! (I'm like 11... lol) My roommates are the shit, it's going to be an awesome semester. I got two fishies... Stanley Williams and Vincent Owens (the best names ever for fish of course) Classes are going quite well if I do say so myself. :) I do however miss everyone from home and I wish I got more snail mail. lol. Well, hope everyone has a wonderful week... and an even better weekend. :] MUAH! Ashley

Home sweet home....

Ok, so after a 4 hour drive, 4 hours of unpacking, and still not getting done cleaning the room. I am SO happy to be back home. 1619 has never looked so good. I can't wait for tomorrow when the rest of my housemates actually get here. As of now we only have 6/15. But it's great to be back!!! :D
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