Last night, there was a boy @ work who had run away, and come back... well, was forced back... I asked him how old he was. He was 15. I told him a little story... I said "When I was a little bit younger than you I was in DHS and was in a placement here in Enid. I'm not originally from here, and I was mad they placed me here. So, I took off. More than once. And one time I was gone for almost 3 months. Then got arrested and charged w/ 127 felony counts. The one piece of advice I'll offer, if you run, do it during the middle of a semester, and make sure to finish a semester somewhere, so you have grades and transcripts. The last thing you want to do is fuck up your highschool transcripts." He looked at me, smiled, and saide "Yeah, you're right", and began asking me about my body piercings and tattoos, and we sat and discussed all that BS for a bit. I told him to stay somewhere for a bit this time, get settled, it was almost the end of the school year. He said "Yeah.. i will... for awhile. Not too long though." I told him I understood. I understand being in DHS. I know the "need" to run... I understand the inability to stay in once place.... I know about DHS.... i understand the need to feel free... and the need to belong... And the next morning... the police came and arrested him to take him to lock up. I was watching him, through the glass doors. He was sitting in the car, in the backseat, handcuffed, like he was some dangerous criminal,and he looked at me... he looked so scared... there were tears in his eyes, although not "crying", and he looked at me like "help me"... those, puppy dog looks.... the cop wouldn't allow me to talk to him either.... and I felt so helpless... I wanted to hug him, and tell him everything would be ok, and tell him not to worry.... i wanted to rescue him from the pain i knew he felt.... It's terrifying to sit in the back of a patrol car, no matter how many times you've done it, especially at 15. He's not a bad kid... his mother killed his father.... he's not adjusting well... what kid would.... all of these boys in this place, they're not BAD, they aren't adjusting well... almost all of them have been abused either physically or sexually.... by mothers fathers, othr caregivers... they have no one... they're confused they're sad, they're lost... they are alone in this big world being shuffled from place to place... they have no home, they have no one to love, or to love them.... they have nothing. And how anyone can question why these boys act up.... of course they do... they want attention, be it positive of negative.... it's attention.... they need loving caring environments, they don't need this shit.... DHS is so swamped w/ kids that it does not have the ability to place every single child in a loving fosterhome... and by the time they do, these kids are so jaded by the system they are unable to maintain placements because all they know is to be shuffled... they can't get attached to one placement, because they know they'll move... they know they will be somewhere else in a month or so.... They know not to get comfortable... and this place i work, is home to many boys... even after they turn 18, they still come back to say hi to their fav staff, to see how the boys look "now a days", and to just be THERE... I was like that with meadowlake... i loved being in meadowlake... i got sent ther so many times, i begged to go. It was home to me. NO one understood why... but it was constant attention... structure... things i didn't have at home...
I'm pretty upset over all of this stuff... I hate this feeling of helplessness... i couldn't do anything... I realized this is going to be one tough job... I can't distance myself from these boys like I did the inmates... they aren't hardened criminals, they are scared boys who don't know how to adjust to their life...
i have no idea where to go from here... i have no idea what to say... i have to go to class in an hour and a half... but i needed to journal about this, and get it out.... i feel better... sorta... i don't think i'll ever forget that boy... or the look on his face... i just wish i could have said something to him.....
