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My story leaves off as well.....wishful thinking and hope...lessness. Just when I think things are on the mend and looking up....reality slaps me in the face. Summer went well, no major issues, usual teen girl problems. School started off to a good Sstart.....for all of 3 weeks. Then shit hit the fan.....
She gained a boyfriend, to our ever scruitinizing eyes. We believed and still do she is no where near ready for that after the previous bf. (see first blog)
Again, becoming the ever disrespectful I am now 16 and know it all of the universe, that no one on earth has ever felt, been through her woes of life!
Sarcastic that may have sounded..yet screaming inside at her shear utter stupidity and total self centered and selfish little brat she has turned into.
She chose to run away a couple of weeks after engaging in this new relationship, when we called her on yet again, behvior issues and not doing her usual chores.
She tried unsuccessfully to gain support for this and failed, ultimately leading her back home after her failed repeated attempts of moving in with other friends.
She then created more conflicts and school with her big mouth....not thinking before she speaks...this gets her in huge problems all the time. She however is always the victim, everyone around her is in the wrong.
Due to this lil issue, winded her back in hospital, where she said again, she has a suicide plan...we all know she doesn't.
It's her ongoing manipilations and scare tactics, which the hospital is well aware of. She was admitted yet again on terms was a few days to get her head back on straight again then back home.
HA! Far from that my lil wise one..not!
She pushed us too far this time around, she knew that if she keeps playing this card she would not be allowed back home, until she starts making the changes and doing the work she needs to do. We can't change her and make the progression
she needs to do her part.
When she was about to be released, she called 30 min before saying she would kill herself.
We at that point put the foot down.....this will forever change our relationship with our daughter...
She was no longer allowed to return home under these conditions. Psychiatrists have deemed her non suicidal as she has plans for her life, if one is truly suicidal, they can't think beyond the moment.
She was then discharged into the hands of a young womens shelter, where she has been since then. Has all the resources around her to help her make the changes to come home. She continues to take the other path.
We have been involved in family councilling and trying to get her to budge. She keeps making the wrong choices, she doesn't own up to her mistakes and continues to blame others. She may now be kicked out of school and off student welfare
because she hasnt been attending classes which is a requirement as well as staying in the shelter. She now may be kicked out and on the streets. She doesn't seewhat she does and think of the ramifications.
As a parent, I love her will always lover her. But...I am so angry, hurt and mystified at how she can continue on a path that will lead her to prostituition, drug use and god help me...death
I'm a mom who is at a major loss, been there done all my steps, work and councilling to help someone who doesn't take the steps herself.
My heart is breaking that my daughter is so out of control, that she won't gain control, but spiral into a deeper hole that she can't get out of.
This chapter, will be continued....I only hope and pray it will be paragraphs and not a one liner.
March 2nd was the worst day of my life. Woke up late, son wasn't getting ready then.....it all changed..
It is all in slow motion, actions, words, voices, all is a blurr...like an episode of er.
Time is 7:10, my son walks into my daughters room to search through basket for t shirt and pants, flipped lights onlike usual, nothing wakes her but a blow horn. 7:20, I go down yelling for her to get up, I finish getting ready, pass her room still no movement. I enter then the nightmare begins....
I start yelling again to get up, shaking, yanking. Feel her cheek, still warm, whisper sign of relief...for a second then paniced, slapped her, then saw the note...screamed at her dad, her brother saw her, called 911, screamed to get her brother out before ambulance arrived. She took took a lethal dose of meds she takes on a regular basis due to a boyfriend issue.
All I remember is echo like tunnel vision, people talking, shouting, questions, confusion.
When I got to the hospital, seeing all these people touching, doing things to my daughter I felt helpless, I am her mother but cant do a damn thing. Questions asked, being told to touch her, talk to her yet being knocked out of the way....wtf am I supposed to do? All I saw as I stared at her lifeless body was her birth, her first laugh, her first tooth, eating toast on the counter by the sink, playing her guitar with her dad to Ozzy, being goofy in Hawaii, her dance in California, her laughter.....
I am far from being over this selfish act from someone who was never selfish, I am sad, overwhelmed and angry...although extremely grateful I still have her in my life.
Never ever take your loved ones for granted, and tell them daily you love them...I didn't the night before as I had fallen asleep, never again will I let that happen.
