Miss Vee's blog: "Hell If I Know..."

While I was in the hospital looking for my girlfriend's room, I encountered a group of people I knew clustered around a room on the CCU floor...people who'd known me all my life, from the days when I used to go to church with my family... Unfortunately, my old best girl friend's grandma, 83 years old, was in a room 3 doors down from my girl friend's, and was dying. It was nice to see my old friend's family, but a sad occasion to be seeing them on. I'm so exhausted... *sigh*

Three days ago, I was called by one of my best girl friend's hubbys and asked if I had any antibiotics for his wife, who was having severe pains in her lower abdomen, which seemed to travel from side to side. Felt gassy, but very painful. She also was getting the chills, and had a few other inconvenient symptoms reminiscient of a Urinary Tract Infection. I took them some stuff I'd had from when I had a UTI last year, and also told him to get her some Lactaid, in case it was lactose intolerance. Night before last, he had to take her to hospital...the pain was too severe. Found out that she should've been dead, in fact. She hadn't gone a doctor in about 20 years, she's 41 and for some reason never thought it necessary to go all this time, and they found she had diverticulitis - a common digestive disease particularly found in the large intestine. What they also found, and was what they considered to be more urgent, was that she's anemic, and her white blood cell count was quite low. They had to give her 2 units of blood and volume expanders to try to get the blood count up. Well, yesterday, I visited her after work for about 20 minutes, then had to go to a previous engagement. She went to use the restroom a few hours later, and her intestine burst while she was in there. She sat there, crying and screaming, not realizing there was a nurses' call button, for 15 minutes, before help arrived in the form of her 16 year old nephew, who heard her screams down the hall. No fuckin' nurse had come to check on her, and none had heard her, even though they were closer to her room's open door than even her nephew had been upon hearing her in distress. They took her to get a Cat Scan, and immediately took her into surgery. It took them 6 hours to clean her insides up and remove the part of her colon necessary for her to survive. Her husband called me, bawling, this morning, having stayed stoic and strong for her family members all night. They don't know whether she will make it, as of 2 pm today... I am beside myself, depressed, infuriated with the lack of professionalism on the part of the hospital (which have dropped the ball on maybe patients in my town before, had lawsuits, etc.), and am quite anxious, knowing I can do nothing but be there for her husband, one of my dearest friends. This shit takes me back to a time when my sister-in-law, Khaidra (my youngest older brother's first wife) was sick, before she finally succumbed to her own illness at the age of 26. I'm only grateful that I go to the doctor for almost any little thing...I'll never be as surprised to find something wrong with me due to my over-diligence with regard to my health. But I'm still so sad...Michelle's my sister for the last 10 years. Thanks for listening to me rant here. It tends to make me feel better to write this stuff out.

About 4 nights, or mornings, ago, I woke up balling my eyes out. I wrote a mumm that described why this freaked me out. Here's a quick copy: This morning around 4 am, I woke up with tears streaming down my face, coughing like I'd been sobbing a while, and continued to cry, with a deep sense of loss surrounding me. This has happened to me 4 times in my life now, and it's always seemed to be a bit premonitory. The first time I woke up crying and feeling this way, I found out later that morning that my sister-in-law had passed. Second time, I found out two days later that the night I woke up that way, my best friend had been murdered that same night. Third time, my bf ended up breaking up with me later that day, got all his stuff while I was at work, and left my life, taking his little cousin who I'd helped raise for 5 years, with him. The last time I woke up feeling a huge void, and crying uncontrollably, later in the morning I got a call from my brother saying his hubby, who I'd grown incredibly close to, had passed. Now I wake up like this and I'm scared. Should I make my calls to all my family and close friends to see if they're ok? Or should I wait to let the news, whatever it is, come to me? Anyhow, I called all my family members, and everyone's been fairly well. Talked to many friends, same thing. But I've still been waiting for the bomb to drop and it finally did, 4 mornings later. But the same thing, nonetheless... I got the call about 3 am this morning, from my drunken friend, Teri, about our old, dear friend Ryan. He was my best friend in high school, my first love and sexual experience, and his older brother was taken from us, murdered (see above mumm), in '95 (and was my best friend at the time). I didn't talk to Ry for a few years after Brennan's murder...we totally lost touch with one another till about '98, when he acquired my number from Teri. We've been talking ever since about once every 3 months, we call it our quarterly talks. I'll just cut to the chase: He, like his brother, was murdered 4 mornings ago, and died en route to the hospital...approximately 4:15 am. I'm officially weirded out by the latest premonitory dream that I don't remember but woke up sobbing to. And I'm feeling so incredibly broken right now...I don't want these premonitions, I feel like I myself could die right now, and that maybe I'd be better off. I never asked for these...why couldn't I have the type of premonitory dreams that leave me exhilarated? Why always death or leaving? Of people I love so very much in this life? Maybe I'm being tested, my beliefs of the afterlife, my strength in this life... I just know that I am left scared after I have the dreams I can't remember but that rock my soul, and when I find out what caused them...I'm left empty and cold, and extremely sad and feeling almost hopeless. Almost makes me feel like becoming a hermit, having no friends, or going into hiding from everyone I've ever held dear to my heart. My first blog...what a way to start it off with a bang.