I can face almost anything. There are very few things that are simply too much for me. For instance, I could not face the death of one of my children. Now, logically, looking at it from outside the box, I can understand that this is an event that people do have to face. Even children die sometimes. But I am not sure I could see such a thing through to the end and still be in posession of the little bit of sanity I still have left.
There are things that I think I cannot face. Things that I am sure will break the very essence of my soul. Crush it like so much chalk, demolish it into a smooth dust to be blown away in the wind. These things seem so very devastating to me...and then sometimes one of them happens.
Something so simple as a long time friend simply losing faith in me. To some, this may seem to be unimportant, but when that person is not only a friend of many years, but a Mentor, a Teacher, a Leader of many of the very things I base the makeup of my personality on. When that person is someone I have looked up to, have cherished, have loved, have poured my heart out to on numerous occasions, have looked to for guidance so many times that I stopped counting long ago.....the feeling is absolutely cruel. Cruel in such a way that I would rather withstand the torture of an expert interrogator in some sandy foreign country where women are mere objects of amusement. (joke for those who know me)
This event can surely be made even more disturbing when the details of the loss of faith are placed in another instance when I had gone to the person for comfort and guidance. I had thought that I would receive condolences, perhaps a lecture, some wise words. I had not even begun to consider such a reception as I received.
And yes, it hurts. Yes, my heart aches with each passing moment, a little more. Some minutes go by and I do not think of the situation. But then it enters my mind once more and the tears flow freely. I feel hurt. I feel betrayed. I try to feel angry, but I cannot. Because somewhere deep down, I suppose I knew that this would occur at some point, on some level.
And even though I know there is still one person who will never give up on me, who will never turn her back, who will be more to me than even a sister could ever even consider being...I am still, now more than ever...Heartbroken.
