Ronyn's blog: "Heart Shaped Box"

LOL, man i got a good one today. Where has all the damn honesty gone in this world? I have no frigen clue. All i know is its easier for people to just lie and say something that they think that person wants to hear and then be done with it, and then when that someone finds out the truth it hurts SOOO much. O.k. take this for example, i met this girl at a party, her name is Natalie right, so her and I and a bunch of friends go to this dance bar and have a great time, im holding her, and when i go to let go to get a drink or whatever she clenches my hands tight not wanting me to go. I thought things were great that night, i told her that i wanted to REALLY get to know her, and go at her speed, and that sex that night was OUTTA the question. I wanted more then that. Well she had somethings in her life goin on i understand that, and i stayed out of it letting her do her thing, bout a week later she finally calls me up, (I was so bout to just move on,) so anyway we hang out all week, i got to meet her lil baby boy and we had a blast, so then the next week i told her that i was going to Missouri to see my daughter and that i would be back the next week, she said it was cool. Now keep in mind that she does know where i live and most of the time when ill be there. I text 2 days before i get back to say hi and all, NO RESPONCE, so i text the next day, again NO RESPONCE, so then the day after i get back i call, and NUMBER OUTA SERVICE.....W>T>F, its been like a week to a week and a half and no word from her. i dont know what to think, has she just left me hangin, or should i just wait it out to see what happened.......UGH i just dont know...

I just have one question, why the hell do women play games? I dont know, and i dont think ill ever know. I mean a woman says she "LOVES" someone but has excuse after excuse they cant meet or see each other. SO what is the matter with that. HMMM either she doesnt love that person, or is scared. Ok i can deal with that, so the 1st is self explanitory, but the second come on. If she is scared why is she confident enough to say that she "LOVES" him but doesnt show it. Me im an "actions speak louder than words" kinda person. I dont play games, and to me this seems like one BIG game. I remember graduating like 8 or 9 years ago. I thought this was adulthood. So then why do women still play friggen games? Oh please dont get me wrong, not ALL women do it, so dont think that im categorizing! This is just for those that do play them. I wished that i could get some kind of answer that could maybe gimme some peace of mind.....WOMEN, the unsolvable puzzle, which is a good and bad thing. ~SHAY~

How in the hell have people strayed so far from the simple things in life, like a simple touch of ones fingertips, or the cuddling to feel each others hearts, or just the simple sound of ones soft voice? I don't know, i don't get it, there is sooo much more out there than just sex its just hard to fathom the possibilities.. Everyday all i can hear is when someone will get laid next, or wow that was a great night of fucking, and then they get all upset when its no longer there. How bout getting to know someone and making it last a long time, in which in the end you shall get what you desire, and then so much more. The completion of ones heart and soul, that special someone that could make the rest of your life feel like there is meaning, and worth living. Giving you a whole new outlook on things... Maybe its just me and i think too much, but its so sad to see it as i do. Damn this heart of mine.... ~SHAY~ DivineOne

I would just love it if there was a way that someone could look at me and I not know it, to find out what i do so wrong. I mean i meet women, that say that they are honest and true to themselves and they want me to be me, which if you know me, or talked to me for 5 minutes youd know that im like a teddy bear, very nice, cuddly. Honest and warm, with a humongous heart. I have alot of love to give, and love to give it. But just as when i think that things are goin so well, BAM, it all blows up in my face. Do i love to much, i mean, i have slowed down ALOT, since i got divorced, and its been almost 2 years since. Why is this so hard to find someone that is true to themselves. for if they arent then they cant possibly be true to me. I just dont know anymore. Comments are welcome. Please dont hold back, tell me straight. Am i doomed, stupid, what. I will respect anyones point of view, cuz right now its kinda hard to fine the truth, not to mention reality.... shay

Oh, Lord. Why oh why was I so stupid? Once again I have screwed up and lost something dear to me in my life. I know now I try to hard! But at least I'm trying, right? I dont know anymore. I can already feel it, my heart, hardening. Preparing to not allow any hope, feeling, emotion, care, in nor out, and I'm scared! My attitude has changed and I dont think for the best. Is the devil consuming me? It burns to know and to feel these feelings in which are not my own. I look to the sky for the light, and yet find only darkness. Is this a test? A trial? A challenge? I have faced many in my lifetime and made it this far. But I don't know if one such as this will consume me, or let me consume it! I know not, and so I pray, for forgiveness, and guidence!!!

If I could have just one wish, as of this moment, (and of course aside from the obvious), I just want one, count it, ONE, friend that wants to be in my life. One who won't betray me, stab me in the back, fall of the face of the earth when in a relationship. For I want one to be active in my life. I'm not saying everyday call me me or anything of the nature. Just every now and then, say HI! Not just when they need someone to vent to, or cry to, but in good times as well as the bad. It's just so hard to find real people, ones who aren't wolves in sheeps clothing. Someone who believes in what they say, and they're actions speak louder than there words can describe. I continue my search for you, my friend. Your out there, just waiting to be discovered. You deserve one such as myself, who is real, kind, very careing, and true to myself as well as others. Please don't give up on me, I shall find you....