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Boobalicious Paper Doll's blog: "2008"

created on 01/05/2008  |  http://fubar.com/2008/b175053

Heart Broken

7:00am Today is Sunday, January 6th. I woke up this morning with too many thoughts in my mind. Keep in mind, I went to sleep at 1:30am last night. Yes I know it's still pretty early. At least I realized something, my crush is no more. He was just someone unattainable. At least for the time being, but I'll let him be. It's usually funny how things happen. He was the one interested in me. We celebrated my bday together, and dressed up for halloween. We even shared a hot steamy shower session with each other, at his house nonetheless. I wouldn't have had it any other way. So, this guy right... He's not all that, I liked him because of who he is. He is kind-hearted, very shy yet reserved, he is somewhat of a nerd (not those smart nerds, but i guess a geek), he's very caring and very respectful. At first, I didn't expect to like him b/c I always thought less of myself. I always thought, what would a fine ass guy like him want with a girl like me? Our friendship bloomed into something more, though never of us were looking to be in a relationship. Not at the time being anyway. The last time I saw him was when I gave him the best night of my life (at the time). I didn't leave him with anything less nor anything more. I could say the timing was so dead on. Unfortunately, the holidays came by. We were supposed to hang out for thanksgiving, but his brother ended up in the hospital. No lies there, I know that for a fact. Then, he called me and we spoke some more, and made a pact that we'd be together for Christmas. Weeks passed, and not a phone call from him. I thought it was pretty clear where we both stood. Again, keep in mind, we're not in a relationship yet, but we're seeing each other and there were no other people in our lives. So then, guess what happens? New years rolls by, and not a word from him. I wouldnt have dared called or text him because he used to call me everyday and he used to text me. He was the one who said he liked me a lot. He used to tell me when he was at work, how his day was, if he was at the store, or going to his family's house, even when he was stuck in back to back traffic on the freeway. That all stopped during mid-December. It's ok... I sort of knew it would happen, especially because by this time I truly liked him back. Again, he is, well was, but sort of is, my crush. What else can I expect out of it? Nothing... Last night, though, we talked for over an hour. I truly appreciated his honesty. He met another girl, and guess where he met her from? MySpace! It's ok with me. I'm not the jealous kind. I should be upset but I'm not. I'm actually happy for him, though I am sad. I had my heart on the sleeve. I was going to actually ask him if he wanted to hang out with me. Dude, I met his family for crying out loud. She also met his family too, and he met hers. I shouldn't think about him anymore, but it just hurt. He knew I liked him a lot, granted, not as much as he liked me, but it was getting up there. Why is that guys do that to girls? They show a lot of interest, the girl does too but is reserved and he knows that. The guys keeps being persistant, and the girl finally gives in. They both make it clear and known to each other what's there and the possibilities and limitations. They are in a comfortable spot, he sort of gets busy again, but still texts. The calls stop coming in. She figures he's probably too busy to call. She just moves on, no not with another guy, but with her own things in her life. They don't hear from each other, but all of a sudden he's sort of seeing someone else? Well yeah, as I mentioned, we talked over the phone last night. He admitted to me, he doesnt know how to define what he has with her. They're not b/f-g/f and he doesn't think it'll get to that level, but she does live closer to him than I do. To top it off, she's younger. Yeah they're always younger. Anywho, he admitted, she's a bit too young but he wants to see what's going on. He did apologize to me about it, and I told him it's ok. We're still friends after all. I just told him that, though I don't think we'll be friends for much longer. I am usually good about being friends with guys, but right now it kind of hurts. Not kind of, it hurts a lot. Same thing will happen again, mark my words. As soon as I start talking to and showing interest in another guy, he'll wanna come back. I'm not saying it's always true, but it has always been the case with me. He was somewhat jealous when he asked if I've been seeing other guys, which I told him yes. C'mon now, I wasn't always going to wait for him. Ok, so I was, but I was talking to a couple of guys, but I am not interested in them. His tone changed dramatically. I don't know how to take that. He kept quiet and was speaking in an odd tone, as if he were jealous. Again, I didn't say it to hurt him, it was the absolute truth. Suffice to say, I hardly slept last night. We finished talking, I was on my way to the bar, to get a drink, but I told myself, I'm not going to drink my thoughts and feelings away. That's just not my style. At any rate, we'll see what happens. I believe it's his loss not mine. Now the lingering thought in my mind is, should I write him a letter about how I felt or if I should keep it to myself? We'll see what happens... until then. 7:20am
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