To heal one must forgive....
Oh mother of mine..I am so angry with you...for things so many the number is
lost. I must say this now...I do love you. I would be a liar if I were to omit that
because in truth you are my mother and for whatever the reason I can't deny it.
I think you wronged me, did a grave injustice, and left me to defend myself
improperly equipped. Whether by choice or by circumstance injury occurred.
Wounds inflicted beyond bounds, permanently scarring my very soul.
As a mother I can see now how difficult a task it was raising children,
there is no guide book to follow, no black and white outline, no instruction manual.
You can only love them, nurture them, protect them within your abilities, and
pray they grow into responsible functional self-sufficient adults. Even seeing this
and knowing this I can still see where you failed, where you fell short, and where
you were unable to fulfill one of these tasks let alone all of them.
I could blame you for all of my mistakes make it simple and harbor the bitterness
I have inside...marking my scarred soul turning it black, poisoning myself with it.
I could say you are evil, that you are incapable of loving anyone, including yourself.
I could say you are selfish, uncaring, unkind, reckless, neglectful, and even blind.
I could say anything I want to say and justify it with more examples of it than
examples to the contrary. I could make this judgment , find you guilty of all charges,
sentence you accordingly, and condemn you..in order to make it better for myself.
I am your child. I learned by your example. I am capable of the same actions you are.
Alas I speak untrue, you and I are not the same. Our lives are our own, our mistakes
are our own as well. I need not ask for you to forgive my mistakes, or my weaknesses.
I need not ask for you to approve my choices or applaud my accomplishments.
I need not much from you in all reality, not very much at all. The one thing I needed
as sure as I breathe is your love. The one thing I sought constantly, the one thing I
am sure must exist...and the one thing i feel I lacked.
I won't make this mistake, as I am a grown woman, capable of making choices.
Choices pertaining to my life, my health, my happiness. Choices only I am accountable for.
And this choice has troubled me...
This choice costs me...
This choice is the only one I have to make...
I want to say something to you before I state my choice pertaining to you and my life.
I want to tell you that no matter what choices you made, what demons you fight,
what sadness you harbor, what secrets you keep, what hopes you watched dwindle away to nothing.
I was scared. I was alone. I was not safe. I was not happy. And I was not whole.
You could have done better. You could have tried harder. You should have loved me.
If you loved me I was not aware of it as I never saw it in your actions, but I pray it is there.
As I prayed for it always. I am convinced that you are sorry for the damages inflicted.
I am convinced that you cannot change them or ever atone for them. The only thing you can do
and the only thing I want for you to do...is to love yourself, to forgive yourself, to know that
you can only change the past by making the best choices today. Don't put the blame on
anyone or anything...no one is responsible but you.
I choose to forgive myself for holding you responsible for the wrongs in my life.
I choose to love you. I choose to say this is my mother. I choose to say I am your daughter.
I choose to be a better person not only because I know it is right, but because I want to be
the best person I am capable of being.
I cannot forgive you for what is not my place to forgive. I can only love you. And I choose to
love myself as well.
To heal one must forgive....oneself.
