I have and I lost her. I now know what it is like to have really loved someone and the extreme pain that goes along with losing her. To know without a doubt that you will live the rest of your life with that person in every other thought. I also know that is has nothing to do with anything you can relate to. It has nothing to do with her looks, though she was gorgeous, That is not the reason. It is a feeling that is deeper than anything our little minds can grasp. I have so much swirling around in my head about this topic I am going to write it in parts.
The story starts a year ago at a dog park. The second i saw her I knew i wanted her in my life. So I did research to find out who she was and planned my dog park trips to be there at the same time she was. As I got to know her I find that she is an alcoholic. I was warned by her that I didn't want any part of her. Not true.. cause i knew the love of my life was in there too.
well here is what I wrote when she left:
A little less than a year ago I met a woman, the second I saw her I knew without a doubt she was special and that given a chance I would fall in love with her. .As it turns out I did. However the road ahead was going to be devastating. She was an alcoholic. One might think you would turn and run. But I knew there was more to her aside from the drinking and I could see it. I tried for months to just spend some time with her. At first the only time we spent together was me sitting on her couch watching her drink huge amounts of wine. I would sit and watch her and enjoy the peace when she passed out. She would wake now and then with a mouth so foul I couldn’t believe this was coming out of her. It was like the exorcist. Once she sobered up it was almost like she never drank aside from feeling ill. All I wanted to do was help her get better. Just get her out and have a normal day. She warned me many times.. “you don’t want any part of me”. Oh but yes I did, I wanted her so bad I was willing to sit with her through all of this many nights. She had alienated her family to the point she was pretty much alone. I could see that she was all banged up from falling down drunk. I couldn’t let this happen, I had to try to make her better or at least watch over her. She was so mean to me and yet I knew that the woman of my dreams was in there. There was a very kind, smart, wonderful person. Turns out not so kind, in fact rather cold. At some point she decided that maybe I was a good guy and we started dating. I look back now and I can only assume that she only needed me to have a safe place to be and not be alone, once she was able to, she would kick me to the curb. We decided that she should move in with me. I should say she decided and I was very open to the idea. She made me believe that she wanted to quit drinking. We sat many mornings drinking coffee, making dinner, going out a little, but where do you go when you don’t want to be around alcohol. I figured if we can get a few weeks without her drinking we could try doing some things. All was going well so I thought. Till the first night I had to work. All night thinking, I can’t wait to get home. In those first few weeks life was good, all I wanted to do was be with her. I used to say to her. How crazy is this? I am with the most wonderful, gorgeous woman here and I meant it. I wanted her with me all the time. I raced home only to find a wine bottle laying on it’s side on the front porch, a cell phone laying in the driveway, a broken wine glass and the door open. Then it dawned on me the last cell conversation was a little strange. I gathered her things and came inside to fine a scrabble game scattered everywhere. Next to the couch was a bottle of booze that I had in the cabinet for the limousine, empty. She never did wake up from that one. The next morning she woke up feeling like hell. I thought to myself. Poor thing and started taking care of her. Thinking well that’s not so bad we made it a couple of weeks. So I made her food, got her anything she wanted to drink and took care of her. She would ask me to get her Icee’s so I would drive to get her one. After a day or so she could get up and around, so I tried getting her out a little like the street fair. No booze there and shopping a little may keep her mind off of it. Seemed like she was trying. In fact she told me many times the only reason she was trying was because of me. God that made me feel good. As the weeks go on it got worse. I came home one night to find a roast in the oven I thought how sweet, but where is she? Then I saw the empty bottle of wine. I looked around and found her passed out in a chair in the backyard. Not knowing how long the roast had been in I shut it off. That was the first night I saw how mean she could get. Wanting to fight and saying things that were cruel. Like you ruined the roast. Yet I pressed on, after all I loved her and she loved me, so she said!. In fact she said she had never been so in love. She even told her family this. Kind of crazy huh? You will see how crazy towards the end of this. Things got worse. I got a letter from the court saying I was being sued by a girl that felt snubbed by me. After that she hung on that every time she drank. I had a really bad year so she loaned me money to help me out,.after all we did live together That was a mistake. The next time she got drunk she called me a loser and asked if I was going to screw her out of her money too. So I got that back to her as soon as I could. Yet still every second she was sober I was so in love with her. she was dinking one day and the next two days recuperating. It got to the point where she would leave, go to her place just to drink, then call me the next day saying she missed me and wanted to come home. I was so glad to hear her say that. I would say yes, this is where you belong. She expected me to hide this from everyone, well that was hard to do when you find out that the mailman called the police cause she was passed out on the front porch in the middle of the day and the police came and put her in bed. We had sublet her apartment to a friend of mine. A week later after a few bottles of wine she was now hiding in her room. She would scream at me to get that mother fucker out of her apartment. So I started working on that. A week after moving all of her stuff out and his in. We took it all out and moved hers back in. That is when she moved out. During the last few weeks she was saying things to me like I suck in bed. Go ahead fatty eat your ice cream. One night ripped my glasses off my head, twisted them up and threw them down. I was getting a little concerned. More than once she got in her car and drove to her place. So I told her if she drove I would call the police. Well even though I never would I had to try to scare her. I hid her keys but she got onto that and had a second key. One night she packed up all of her stuff and drove home.. then back again. I couldn’t have her driving.. so I had to do something. The friend that was staying in her place heard her on the phone, so now he knew things were bad. From that moment on she hated him. He did nothing, but she decided one by one to hate all my friends. The very friends that in the beginning she thought were all wonderful. Now comes the part that is really crazy. She decided that she needed to get help. Not for me, but for her. From what I understand after reading up on it that is the way it has to be. The very thing I hoped for was happening. Wouldn’t you know it. The person I loved so much is now sober for over 100 days and she is gone. This person is so cold about it, like there was never anything between us at all and expects that I am just going to say Oh okay I don’t love her anymore. Everyone knows that you can’t just shut that off. So I am pretty much thinking she never did love me if she did she would know what I am talking about. I say loved, I mean love. I still love her so much. I am thinking about going to Al-anon just to see if I can hear other stories like mine. Might make me feel a little better. Nothing else to do really, can’t date, it wouldn’t be fair to someone else knowing I will always love this person Not a day goes by I don’t think about her. Guts all twisted up cause I have no less feeling for her than the day I met her. Knowing someone else will enjoy her like I did in between the wine. Only they will get her all the time. The mental pain is incredible. The heart really does ache, that is a real thing.
