Have you ever felt like your heart just couldn’t take anymore?
Have you ever felt like your heart was literally breaking?
Have you ever wanted to just rip it out and get rid of it?
That then maybe the pain would stop? No heart, no pain.
This has been a very hard week for me.
I lost my stepdad, Bernie on Thursday. He was only 66. We were all kind of expecting it eventually, but not this soon. He was in my life for over 30 years. I loved him more than he’ll ever know. He did so much for me in my life. I just wish now that I could have repaid him better. He knew I loved him, but I don’t think he knew how much. Or how much of an impact and influence he was in my life. My mom & him were together off and on for so long. He was Grampy Bernie to my kids. They loved him too. And I know they will miss him terribly.
I know I am hurting, but my mom is hurting so much more. I wish I could just bring him back to make her happy again. Even when they weren’t together, they still loved each other. That kind of love never dies.
I want to thank eveyone for their thoughts & prayers. You’ll never know how much they have helped.
Special thank you’s to
Duane-for being my best friend. For always knowing exactly what I need, when I need it. Even if I don’t know it myself. I don’t know what I would do without you in my life. You amaze me. I don’t have to say a word and you know. I guess that’s why you are my best friend. You know me better than anyone. We don’t have to talk, we just know.
T.R.-I don’t know how to thank you for being there for me. And for Mom. You just showed up exactly when I needed you. You just seem to know. You always seem to know. This is not the first time you have been my rock through something like this. You were there for me when Gram passed away. I don’t know how I would have gotten through that without you.
Andy- I know you wanted to be here. I also understand why you couldn’t be physically. But know that you were in my heart. I felt them right when I needed them. And you. They were there in my mind and in my heart. I know you understand exactly what I am talking about. I thank you for everything you have made me feel.
To add to my week, I think I have lost someone that I care so much about. Someone that has shown me what it means to fall. What it means to like myself. To be happy about being me. To trust again. To open my heart again. And now through my own fault, I believe I have lost this person. I can’t say I am sorry enough times to make it better. I wish I knew how to make it better. Can I? Only you have the answer to that. I wish I could turn back time and make things allright again. All I can do is tell you that I am so sorry. And that you know what you mean to me. I am putting my heart out there for you, all you have to do is reach out and grab it. I miss you so much. Love you.
So there you all have it. My week from hell. And I don’t see it getting any better anytime soon. Just add it to everything else that is going on. I feel like I am in this huge black hole and I am never going to see the light again. Am I hurting? More than anyone knows. More than anyone needs to know.
Please don’t think I am looking for pity. If you know me at all, you know that is not what I want. I just needed to vent some of my feelings before my heart really does break into a million little pieces.
To my son-Jonathan & my daughter-Breena, I miss you both so much. I love you both with all my heart.
To my grandson-Jacob, Nonna misses you baby boy. I love you so very much.
For my friends up north-I miss you all. I love you all. Hopefully I can see soon. You know who you are.
