EchoAngel's blog: "Personally Me"

created on 05/14/2007 | http://fubar.com/personally-me/b82633

posted on 02/15/2009&nbs-08:00;@&nbs-08:00;08:02&nbs-08:00;pm

Hard Decisions (A Personal Look)
http://fubar.com/hard-decisions-a-personal-look/b82633-466655

I'm sure a lot of you know of abuse personally or someone that was. I was. My mother knew my stepfather was assaulting me since I was 11, but she told me she 'couldn't deal with it at the time' - she let it go on. She abused me as well in different ways (physically, emotionally, verbally, and even beat us if we prayed wrong). Why did she admit it now after all this time? She recently found out that he has been cheating on her with an old girlfriend of his, but you see THIS isn't ok. It is ok (to her) for him to do that with her kids only I guess. She Is divorcing him and has now put him in jail on other charges. She says she wants to 'when she is ready' and can 'deal with it' go back to the police about the assault and she promises she will "make him pay for what he did." to me. I am trying to heal ... to get past this. I have called the police here .. I was told that she can force me to court regarding this matter. Being 33 years old now, it is amazing how I still I have no control when it comes to this. I want to put that part behind me and move on. I want the nightmares to end. I want this whole thing to end. He got away with what he did. He has cancer now.. it is going up to his brain... what good is it putting him in jail now? He will be dead in a year anyway. Just him admitting what he did would be enough justice for me... the rest is up to God. PS: No child abuse charges were ever laid against my mom and stepfather. The police where I live now have written up a report and want me to file a report about it there. They want an inquiry to be done as to why nothing was done in regards to this and why the police would not write a report about the sexual assault when I went to them when I was 18. The police officers I went to told me that he, my stepfather would not have done that. That I was just pissed off and doing it out of spite for some reason. They were all hunting friends and neighbours. I just don't know what to do. I have a son to worry about now and I want to put the past behind me. Is this a way to heal.. or just drudging up the past more? Just more frustration. This is where I wish I really had wings to fly lol This picture I drew when I was thinking about my past and the abuse. My cam didn't do a great job taking a pic of it... but here it is.

To Me this picture is about the past. (looking at the picture top to bottom) A knife - trust broken A face - scars - some visible.. most not Footsteps (the dots) Wanting to fly away - get away. Help just out of reach Paths leading different ways - scared to take a chance. Not sure who to trust but throughout it all there was people there watching. I found them then got help. Now healing and trying to trust again... The Hook.. I am hooked on life.. I have a reason to live.. to fight. My son. Every Day I look at him and smile. He is the answer to my prayers. The joy in my heart. I stopped the cycle of abuse. It can be stopped. And I have forgiven I just want to forget and have the nightmares stop now.

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