CANDYRAIN's blog: "HAPPY!!!"

Well After 2 in a half months I finally heard from my ex my sons father the day of my sons bday My 10th..First thing is while I was still asleep he called and left a voice mail letting me know he was on his way and would be here within a couple hours to see our son for his bday.As soon as I heard his voice I had fluttery feelings not knowing what i was going to do or say when he got to my house..But when he got here I did yell at him a bit and i did cry a bit too..He wanted to take my son for a bit but I told him he couldnt that day for 2 reasons one he has been gone for 2+ months and my mom was suppose to come over after wrok for my sons birthday..He said the reason he couldnt get a hold of me was because he was in a program and had no phone or a way to get a hold of me..And now hes living like 2 hours away because he thought the jobs out that way would be better but they aint the greatest out there either and besides its more exspensive out there do to it becoming tourist season out his way..So he brought up that he planned on moving back this way well i told him dont expect to come and live with me and he was like I know..Well I am glad he is going to be back in my sons life and I told him thats all i want is for him to be the father I know he can be...So this Saturday hes going to take our son overnight and my daughter will be gone with her father so I will have a long deserved break for a night its not like I go out but just to be home and not here yelling and screaming will give me some peace and quiet.. I have also been talking to a guy named Will alot and I really do like him I just hope nothing or nobody will get in my way to try and be happy and see what happens between me and him..I am trying to get to know everything about him and let him know about me and hope for the best and if all goes well maybe in 2 months he'll be out my way and we can see where it leads..I havent been so happy in a long time just talking to him makes my day and puts a smile on my face and when I dont talk to him I miss talking to him we actually talked some last year but I was in my relationship and me and him didnt get along so good then but now tht were talking again now it is so much better..I just dont want anybody to try and mess things up for me right now and to be honest I do think someone may be trying to see what they can do already to mess with me and him I hope Im wrong about this person doing this but we'll see I won't jump to complete conclusions as of yet..I just wanna be happy for once in a long time and now that I plan on putting my past relationship in the past and not looking backwards no more I want to look forward to a good future and possibly a relationship with Will..So please wish me luck and I'll keep ppl informed of things...

Well it has been quite sometime since i have actually been happy.I have come to realize that all this pain I have been feeling do to my ex is another test my life has put me through.Everyday that goes by that I havent talked to my ex I am becoming stronger.Though it hurts me the reason it hurts is because hes not in our sons life but he'll be the one regretting it in the end not me..Why should I have any regrets for knowing all I was was a good woman to him and all i ever did was love him for the man he was the man that had many flaws and was his own worse enemy..A man who has always been torn between right and wrong but why should i put anymore time into loving someone who cant be honest about anything..I am looking for the right man to come along and mend my heart that has been so damaged someone who is caring and kind and funny and puts a smile on my face constantly..Someone who will be there through all the ups and downs and not be afraid to tell me he loves me and really means it wholeheartedly..A man thats not scared to cry if he is upset even just a little..To be my shoulder to lean on as I am his and not turn away through rough times..I know I wont have to search for the man I'm met to be with when its time happiness will be brought to me..I have been talking to a guy and everytime we talk on the phone he makes me laugh and smile we talk for hours at a time till his battery in his phone is almost dead then he'll recharge it for a little bit and call me right back I think that is so sweet to have so i dont know what will happen but I can see it may go somewhere but i am taking my time getting to know him and everything about him and letting him know all about me..I have been scared to fall for anybody because with me and my ex i went back and fourth with him so many times do to insecurities in myself and scared to know someone new that instead of looking forward then I always looked back and I cant allow myself to do that anymore I know if my ex were to show up yeah i wont lie the butterflies would be there in the pit of my stomach do to all the feelings I had for him but I need to control the butterflies and move on and never look back again and then it'll just be his lose not mine and I can live with no regrets.Tomorrow is my sons 4th birthday and i dont even know if his father will call or show or what i wish for my sons sake hed at least call but I wont hold my breath on that..the only thing i want out of that man anymore is to be a father no more no less the pain he has caused me has to go away and never come back I just know if i ever did try and work things out for the millionth time in time hed just hurt me again and the cycle would keep going on and on I have to stop it now and be happier without him instead of always looking over my shoulder worrying what the hell hes doing and where the hell hes at I cant do that anymore it is about time that the one I once would never give up on and always believed in well now I give up I throw in the towel why put in all effort and receive nothing in return but grief and agony.