Yes there is actually happiness! I am not always morbid and bitter and hating life! I am actually flying high right now in this moment. Sure, in a few minutes I may be back to my "why why why?!" but let's ride out this moment for as long as we can :)
Every person in my life gives me ups and downs. And sometimes the ups are few and far between, but damnit I got a couple of ups today. And I want to rejoice a little bit.
So earlier I was upset about some personal things, people who build me fences then disappear when the hurricane comes, and nosey women who knock but then come in without waiting for a response. But whatever. RIght now I am all about letting that shit go for the moment and letting it grow into a repressed tumor or something.
Anyways, I talked to the boys tonight and it is so amazing how much they love me. Like seriously. I mean it is not like they are blind to my flaws or anything. It is just that they take me as I am and love me... unconditionally! I mean people throw that word around but they don't MEAN it. But my boys do. And while they are growing up and I am slowly not becoming the coolest person they know anymore I know that they always have me in their thoughts. If I am down and out I can call them and know that they will be there for me and actually give a damn about whatever I am going through. Yes they are young and they could possibly change completely as they age but I don't believe they will ever desert me.
I make promises to them and fight to keep them. I have made stuff happen when it seemed completely impossible only because if I failed them I would just feel horrible inside. And they appreciate me as I appreciate them. It really is give and take between us. I mean I feel like they give more though because the happiness I feel when I speak of them, think of them and see them is so overwhelming to me and I just do not believe that I myslef could produce that feeling in anyone to the extent that my boys do. I can love them freely and without worry except for me afraid of disappointing them which I never hope to do but then it all goes back to the love thing and it just turns into this big mushy circle.
So whatever. My nephews are the shit. Everyone else is just shitty hehe... well most of the time! Really...
Anyways, another plus. My mom and I are kicking it like old school homies! It is pretty awesome. She fucking hugged me out of the blue the other day... I thought she was sick or drunk hehe. But she just wanted to show me some love and I am always bitching about not getting enough so I had to shut my trap lol. My sister and I are gellin like Maegeallen.. for now... She asked me to add her to my myspace and to spend the night at her house tomorrow night. And yes the three of us will no doubt be at each other's throats again soon but I guess that is just us.
Tonight I am content with my family life. Yes there is some other shit in different aspects of my life that I am pulling my hair out about but for now I am just going to enjoy this moment. Because this very moment COULD be my life.
