Well it has been quite sometime since i have actually been happy.I have come to realize that all this pain I have been feeling do to my ex is another test my life has put me through.Everyday that goes by that I havent talked to my ex I am becoming stronger.Though it hurts me the reason it hurts is because hes not in our sons life but he'll be the one regretting it in the end not me..Why should I have any regrets for knowing all I was was a good woman to him and all i ever did was love him for the man he was the man that had many flaws and was his own worse enemy..A man who has always been torn between right and wrong but why should i put anymore time into loving someone who cant be honest about anything..I am looking for the right man to come along and mend my heart that has been so damaged someone who is caring and kind and funny and puts a smile on my face constantly..Someone who will be there through all the ups and downs and not be afraid to tell me he loves me and really means it wholeheartedly..A man thats not scared to cry if he is upset even just a little..To be my shoulder to lean on as I am his and not turn away through rough times..I know I wont have to search for the man I'm met to be with when its time happiness will be brought to me..I have been talking to a guy and everytime we talk on the phone he makes me laugh and smile we talk for hours at a time till his battery in his phone is almost dead then he'll recharge it for a little bit and call me right back I think that is so sweet to have so i dont know what will happen but I can see it may go somewhere but i am taking my time getting to know him and everything about him and letting him know all about me..I have been scared to fall for anybody because with me and my ex i went back and fourth with him so many times do to insecurities in myself and scared to know someone new that instead of looking forward then I always looked back and I cant allow myself to do that anymore I know if my ex were to show up yeah i wont lie the butterflies would be there in the pit of my stomach do to all the feelings I had for him but I need to control the butterflies and move on and never look back again and then it'll just be his lose not mine and I can live with no regrets.Tomorrow is my sons 4th birthday and i dont even know if his father will call or show or what i wish for my sons sake hed at least call but I wont hold my breath on that..the only thing i want out of that man anymore is to be a father no more no less the pain he has caused me has to go away and never come back I just know if i ever did try and work things out for the millionth time in time hed just hurt me again and the cycle would keep going on and on I have to stop it now and be happier without him instead of always looking over my shoulder worrying what the hell hes doing and where the hell hes at I cant do that anymore it is about time that the one I once would never give up on and always believed in well now I give up I throw in the towel why put in all effort and receive nothing in return but grief and agony.
