i needed to go away for a while to put my priorities in order so much is going on in my life i find so hard to accept my mother is not well i am confused what i want i need and what i so long for is not ever going to happen i feel nothing in my life is right i gained 20 pounds since the summer and i guess makes me feel uncomfortable and unhappy buti'm working on it.
so much of my life is pure bullshit lately and feel stuck in mud unable to find my freedom any more i know its not here and or in my dreams unless i do something about it i got to find a way to move in a positive direction i know this is not it being here is ok but its not helping i get up in the morning and would rather be here than deal with my real issues my weight my job situation and my loneliness i live in a stressfull situation my mother has dementia and sometimes i feel so responsible and i also feel i should not be here in her home i feel stunted unable to just move on here i am living at my mothers house im jobless a non person.
for 3 years i lost everything that i took for granted my marriage i didn't try hard enough to make it work i tryed so hard to justify it wasn't my fault but was it? in my mothers eyes it was but explain to me why is it my fault i came home everynight cleaned payed bills made dinners played the perfect mom even though i kept gaining weight and got sicker so much so i was heading for a stroke and after i tryed for the third time to get us out of forcloser the bank had enough and by than i just about depleated my 401k and my stocks and my husband did not lose anything to his retirement i did i found where the money went for the 2nd morgage not to pay credit card bills as my husband claimed but to buyout of his brothers morgage and when it came to creditcards my name was eloise not maria so after 5 years of marriage i was not on the the creditcards his mother was so after the house was sold and all his bills were paid i left abandoned him he moved back with Mommy and she was soo happy seems i was a golddigger really i'm a fuckin golddigger he was a freakin gas jockey for a bus company and his salary was 55k a year me i worked too as admin assitant making 32k i made out better being a single working parent but that didn't last long after 24 years my life already a mess mom was ill my daughter having a breakdown and my job closed up i was so depressed,fat and sick by that time i got up and went back to school hoping to update my skills to find a better job but it got worse i was doing great enjoying school and my mother throws me out we didn't know she was suffering from dementia so i was homeless i had to quit school lived 6 months in a shelter finally we get a apartment i was trying to find full time employment no luck i lose my car my last thing i had i have to walk or take a bus and when employers here hear you take a bus they are less than likely to hire you so now i take whatever temp job i get for a hell lot less than i could live on and not with bills piling up suspended licence i treated as a non person other than the temp jobs i can't get a real job i losing everything i tryed so hard to build back up
i don't know what i did in this life to have to be knocked down so many times i still get up but sometimes now i feel so fustrated i just want to hide i want someone to resue me from this but i seem to find myself alone or used i needed to step away from the internet because this is a fantasy world i want what is real where can i find this reality i try to go out nothing nobody i have met wants what i want or are not what i need.
