For the first time ever, I find myself sitting here with butterflies in my stomach because of the entry I'm about to write. I have put it off repeatedly for some reason..I guess because I simply can't find the words..I cannot express myself or my feelings about my visit to Ground Zero. September 11, 2001 changed my life, just like it did so many other people. Before that day I must have lived with my head in the sand or something. I have lived in Savannah my whole life. Savannah..a military town..so how could I have been so blind and ignorant in the meaning and validity of the military? I'm ashamed to say..I have no answer for that..the irony is that as I sit here with my stomach in knots three chinooks just flew over my house and shook the walls. LOL It took something as bad as September 11 to change me and wake me up. While I would never EVER say I'm glad it happened, I can say that I think I'm a much better person because of it. In fact I know I am. And I also know I will never forget.
I have wanted to make the trip to NYC since September 11. In the weeks that followed I was glued to the TV. Night and day the news was on.and I sat helplessly staring at a screen. Then i heard the story of Sirius..and of the other dog teams who worked so hard on the "pile". Being an animal person I wanted to say thank you to them. I started making red, white and blue dog pins out of tiny popsicle sticks. I hooked up with a website and they distributed them for me. Pretty soon they were popular and I was getting thank you cards from all over the place. I remember I gave one to a dog team here and it made me cry to see the handler bend down and place the pin on her dog's vest. I sent some to the White House and got a thank you note from the President. I never asked for any money and people couldn't understand why. Why I would spend so much time doing something for nothing. But it was never for nothing. Seeing those dogs wearing my pins..no money could buy that feeling? I was so proud..then the website went down..and I never heard from them again. I was so disappointed. But in between making the pins I decided to also do something for the helicopters I kept noticing flying over my house. We took 6 sheets of plywood and made a huge American flag. The choppers going over could easily see it and that made me feel good. Then my aunt and mother in law started asking me to join them at this thing called USO. I had heard of it but I had no idea what they did. I kept putting them off, making excuses. I didn't think I could handle it. I knew it would be a tough thing to do and I'm too emotional. But finally I gave in and after one flight I was hooked. So that brings us to the present..finally..my gosh!! When I fianlly made my trip to Ground Zero I was in NY because of my USO award. The whole circle of it all just overwhelmed me. I was finally going to the exact spot that started it ALL for me. The sacred place that formed me into the person I am now. My first glimpse of the site was from an 86th floor window. I asked this guy and he pointed it out to me. He said, " See those cranes way over there? Those are the cranes inside Ground Zero." It was cloudy and very hard to see but I stood and just soaked it in. I was making my trip there the next morning. I was preparing myself for what I might see. You can prepare all day for what you might see, but not even a lifetime can prepare you for what you will feel.........
On Tuesday November 15th, the day after the award ceremony I made my trip to Ground Zero. My friend Brian who nominated me for the award was kind enough to take me there. I didn't realize at the time how hard it was going to be on him to revisit the site. He lost a very good friend in the collapse so it really wasn't a place I should have let him take me. But being a former Marine, he wasn't going to let anything stop him. So..off we went. We parked, walked around a bit and saw the NYPD memorial then made our way over to the site. He was in front of me and my husband walking along behind us. He walked up to a fence covered in green mesh and stopped. You could hear the beeping sounds of back hoes, cranes moving things around and dump trucks running. My heart was pounding as I looked thru the crack in the mesh. My first thought was, "that's it? That's the site?" It looked just like another construction site. But as you made your way along the fence you saw the posters.."Remembering 9/11" Tribute" "Reflect" Repledge" Never Forget" World Trade Center Memorial Fund" all of them reminding you that THIS is NOT just another construction site. We came to big gate and you got a better view of things. A policeman on the site told us we were looking at the only remaining piece of the original towers. It was a cement stairwell. Around the corner we found the subway station, with more posters and pictures. Around the next corner we found the WTC Tribute Museum. I wanted to go in but I felt so guilty about making Brian go thru it that I declined. But Brian..being Brian..tough guy that he is..insisted he was fine..that we were going in. Before I could protest anymore he paid the admission and we were in. I don't think any of us were expecting what we found inside. I have watched every special ever made on September 11. I have seen thousands of pictures. But until you're there..actually seeing it with your own eyes..you can't grasp it. One wall was covered with the "missing" posters family members made. The museum was sort of crowded so I didn't stay in one spot too long. I knew if I did I'd lose it. Then I came to this glass case..in it contained the picture you see above. It is the jacket of FDNY firefighter Jonathan Ilepi. I have seen his father Lee many times on the TV specials. I was so moved by his story that it haunted me for months after hearing it. He went to the site every single day at first with the hopes that his son was trapped yet alive. Then with just the hopes of bringing his son home. About 90 days later he was able to do just that. He returned to the site in the middle of the night to carry his beloved son out of the rubble. And now...here in front of me..was the jacket of that son. I pressed my fingertips to the cold glass and swallowed this big lump in my throat. I was not going to cry..i was not going cry..i was not going to cry..damn it! I look up and I see Brian. He's standing in front this huge wall of pictures. All smiling faces looking back..pictures of family vacations, weddings..all pictures of people who were lost. I walk over to Brian and he's looking at this one picture in particular. Quietly he says..that's my friend..that's Richie . He let's out this sigh and walks away. Now I'm feeling really good about dragging him down here. I felt so selfish and so bad. I turn to look for him and on the wall is a quilt made by children. Each square had a different saying but each one beginning with the words .."somewhere today...." Well that quilt did it..the tears started falling. I went down these stairs where I found both Brian and Bill. Brian called me over and showed me a tile that had been painted. On that tile was a paw print..it was Sirius' tile. On it was written, "he came when called".. after writing several tributes to Sirius I have a special fondness for him. I feel he is the forgotten victim simply because he is not a human. So seeing that finally somebody remembered him was more than I could take. Thankfully the restroom was right behind me. I went into a stall and sat..and sobbed. I cried tears for Lee Ilepi, for every smiling face I'd seen posted on the walls, for every family member who had to make those missing posters, the little boy who wrote a note to his dad and asked him to please come home, for every dream that was shattered on that day, for every life that was lost. I cried until I had nothing left. Once I regained my composure I went back out and finished my day. One thing is for sure though...I will never forget those tears I left behind at that museum.
