Jonathan's blog: "Grandma Williams"

Today started out as a bad day. Two of the three places I had considered to move into backed out, it was raining when I woke, I stayed in bed way to long waiting for something that would not come. I got up and went for a Doner Sandwich (I find myself addicted now) and sat to read from a book called "The Lakota Way". I flipped open to a chapter entitled Fortitude. In was a traditional Lakota story of a young woman and her strength of fortitude and then personal stories of teh author describing his personal examples of fortitude shown by his Grandmother. It was then that it dawned on me that today is teh 6 year anniversary of my own Gransmothers passing in 2004. I came close to breaking down in that small little shadowed restaurant thinking of how much I missed her. So, in her memory, I will share a small story of my grandmothers fortitude.

Fortitude: strength of heart and mind

There is rarley a happy or stand out moment in my life that doesnt include my Grandmother Williams. She was the matriarch of my world. It was her word that was law. She always showered me with love and she knew how much she meant to me. If she didnt agree with something, I cahanged it. But no matter my mistakes or my victories, she always stood beside me and supported me lovingly. My Grandfather had passed away in 1979 and she had never remarried or dated since because her love of my grandfather was so strong. She only had one son, and in turn only one grandson in me. She stayed strong for me and my father for 25 years after my grandfather passed. The start of 2004, I had gone back to school. My grandmother was so proud of me for doing so, but she also became ill, so much so that on February 2nd she went into teh hospital and 2 weeks later was transfered to a home for therapy in teh hopes that she would regain teh strength to go home. I saw her ever day while she was there giving her as much support as she had shown me. no matter how difficult it was for her to be there,she always asked of my day and lead the conversation about me before she would tell me about how she was doing. Dispite her pain and sorrow,, she loved me enough that she didnt want me to see fully how bad things were. For 3 months I battled doctors, therapists, administrations, as well as attending 12 credit hours of college and a 40 hour work week. One sunday after a weekend of college hockey, work and my own beer league, she seemed bright and energetic. I sincerly though she had turned teh corner. We sat in her room eating, talking, and laughing. I went home to prepare for my finals that week, one due in two days. I awoke teh next morning to a call from teh home urging me to override my grandmothers wishes to not be sent back to teh hospital. I said I would be on my way, and within 15 minutes I was walking in teh doors. There my grandmother was on oxygen sunken and frail unlike how I had seen her just 12 hours before and I knew that today would be teh day. I walked in and held her hand. She turned and recognised me, the gleam in her eyes there once more and held my hand. And I did teh only thing that I could do. I leaned in and told her that everyting would be OK and that she need not worry about me or Dad anymore. That I loved her and I always will. Holding my hand, she slipped off to sleep, and she passed away 3 hours later. It was her fortitude that caused her to hold on. She didnt want to pass without knowing that I would be ok. It was her strength of heart that kept herthere even as my grandfather urged her to come into his arms again. As I think of fortitude, it is my grandmothers love that reminds me as an example of strength of heart which I strive every day.

Happy belated Birthday Grandma. You are still so much a part of my life. Every day, you live through me as I work, baking desserts, pies, cheescakes, brulee's. There was no one more special to me than you. Your word was law. If you were displeased, dammit, I changed. I remember Lasagna on Thanksgiving, Fried Chicken on Christmas, and those Christmas cookies. God, you would think that Kroger sold their entire stock. She would bake for days only keeping some for herself and mostly her guests. She gave out trays of cookies to the church, health groups, family. The greatest compliment I took from your funeral was when Junior said he felt like family when he began recieving trays of your cookies each Christmas. I should have known that last Christmas when you didn't bake, that you knew. And it would be our last together. I have tried to keep the tradition up since you have been gone, using your recipies. The fig nut pinwheel is not right, i will keep working on that. After four long years of not speaking to mom, it was you who brought us together again and I thank you for that. Jackie has almost given birth to an entire soft ball team, and I still have yet to give you one, and I am sorry for that, but when I do, if I can show them even half the love you gave me, that child will be blessed. I miss your laughter, your voice, the way you said my name. There was no safer place on earth than your home or any as welcoming. I remember odd little things like when you asked me to fix your dashboard light because it was to dim. I remember you saying "Jon, I screwed with everything in that car! Every knob, every switch, every button. If there had been a man in there I probly would have screwed him too." I laughed so hard, I almost shut my fingers in the door walking outside. I remember when I went on that hockey trip with a 103 temprature. when I came home and was afraid to be home alone, you took me in at midnight and sat up while I lay unconcious for two days, feeding me, watching me. I remember baking with you, cooking with you. That was always our time. I remember sitting with you every day in the hospital and the nursing home. Even when we didn't say anything, you would twirl my goatee withyour finger. And that is all that you had to do. I knew that you loved me, and there was no place that I wanted to be beside there. Five years and the pain is still as fresh as the day I held your hand and watched you breath as you slowly slipped away. You almost passed the exact day as grandpa did so many years before. I just want you to know, I need to say it again. I love you, I miss you, and I will every day walk past your picture posted by my bedroom door and do my best to make you proud of me. I love you Grandma. Happy belated birthday.

In honor of my Grandmother whos birthday is coming up this month. I still miss you.

     I want to remember the times we shared

times that dance on the fringe of memories

conversations we share with no one else

laughter between two in private jokes

     I want to feel your hand on my face

the soft caring touch that you once gave me

fingers caressing my head

tracing my scattered thoughts below

     I want to look into your eyes again

blue as ocean water sparkling underneath the noon day sun

love swam in such a tide

proud of the man you saw before you

     I want to smell the kitchen you use to dominate

morning, noon, and night

always quick to accommodate a guest

never too much trouble

     I want to taste the air that your perfume would linger

embracing me with all the comforts of home

comforting me in the darkest of days

always you and unique

     I want to hear you say my name again

watching words form on your lips

your voice embraces me

I am never alone

     I want to honor everything you taught me

to pass on all that you have shared

selflessly giving all you could give

so I may be a better man

     I want to love the way you loved me

unconditional, unquestioning, unwavering

for your love is all I have

to face everyday without you, grandma

Dorothy Leana Williams

July 21, 1921 - May 3, 2004