Why do little boys whine?
- Because they are practicing to be men.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
- Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
- You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
- Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women?
- Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
- They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
- When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
- We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
- By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
- Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
- He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
- All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- ONE ....He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?
- Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything?
- A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?
- Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
- Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
- Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
- "My wife says..."
Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating?
- To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
- To keep them from grazing.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
- Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
- Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why does the doctor hit the baby's behind when it is born?
- To knock the balls off the smart ones.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
- They all already have boyfriends.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
- When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
- When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
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