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"Goodbye Scarecrow" I was watching a show and it brought me to uncontrolable tears. She was dieing of cancer and decided to kill herself. The man she was seeing (who was in a relationship) was there so she did not die alone. She took the pills and looked to him and said, "Goodbye, Scarecrow". When I was in my teens my boyfriend of many years went by the name of Scarecrow. Who knows, if he had not eventually lost it we'd still be together this day. I think of him often. The first guy I ever really loved. We were both rather disturbed individuals... We were both rather dark. It was this darkness that brought us together, it was that darkness that eventually tore us apart... Hell I was his 'mistress' for perhaps two years... I wouldn't let that get in the way. We swore through life and death we'd be there for each other. One day 'Scarecrow' and I were laying in bed. The room was dark and small, the bed a cheap twin. We layed there naked for hours our bodies entertwined. We did not speak much as I recall. I was deep in thought about who knows what, I was going through alot. He sat up and pulled me close to him, holding my face to his chest. I could hear his heart beating quickly as he stroked my hair and began to cry. The contrast of his dark skin against my own pale flesh was mesmerizing as he clung to me. He quietly whispered to me, "I love you Krystal, I do not want to loose you to everything." I looked up to him with a curiouse look and the tears were falling down his cheeks. "You are all I have." he said. I tried to wrap my arms around him but he held me tight and brushed my hair out of my face. His large eyes peirced through mine. "I look into your eyes and all I see is pain. I don't want you to leave me... But I want you to know if you ever do something stupid tell me first". I didn't know if I was offended that he would think that I wanted to commit suicide or if I was touched that he cared so much. I tried to tell him that I was not thinking about killing myself. I had attempted suicide the past but I was not seeing it as an option anymore. I had realized I had much to live for. "If I can't talk you out of it... And I will try... If I couldn't stop you... And I will try... I want you to know that I'll be there for you Krystal. No one should die alone. I don't want you to die thinking you are alone and no one cares, that is how you lived your life. I would hold you till you were gone. It would kill me but I'd be there" I began to sob uncontrollably. I didn't want to die but oddly this was the most heart wrenchingly sweet thing anyone had ever said to me. "I'll hold you till your gone, call the cops and leave... But I don't want you to kill yourself. Don't ever do that to me". He held me close and we both cried in each others arms. I think perhaps it because of that moment in time when the way I thought about everything changed in an instant... I love him to this day. I understand to many people that may seem morbid... Fucked up. Perhaps it may even seem rather insane, perhaps you had to be there. I do have to say now, to this day no one has said anything that effected me so deeply as what 'Scarecrow' said to me. I have never had a moment of such pure emotion and fear, I doubt I'll ever see it again. My only fear in life is now dieing alone because I know he won't be there to hold my hand. Whenever I think of him tears come to my eyes, I just remember him holding me... Sobbing...
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16 years ago
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