Jinxd's blog: "How Random Can I Get ?"

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions. 1. How did you find out about God? Newspaper Bible Torah Book of Mormon Koran Other Book Television Divine Inspiration Word of mouth Dead Sea scrolls My mama done tol' me Near Death Experience National Public Radio Tabloid Burning Shrubbery Who? Other (specify): 2. Which model God did you acquire? Yahweh Jehovah Allah Just plain God Krishna Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak) Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak) Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak) Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature None of the above; I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? Yes No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. (Please check all that apply.) Not eternal Not omniscient Not omnipotent Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe Permits sex outside of marriage Prohibits sex outside of marriage Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms) When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched Requires burnt offerings Requires virgin sacrifices Plays dice with the universe 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a God? (Please check all that apply.) Indoctrinated by parents Needed a reason to live Indoctrinated by society Needed target for rage Imaginary friend grew up Hate to think for self Wanted to meet girls/boys Fear of death To piss off parents Needed a day away from work Enjoy organ music Needed focus on whom to despise Needed to feel morally superior Graduated from the tooth fairy My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it 5. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? (Please check all that apply.) Self-help books Tarot, Astrology Star Trek re-runs Fortune cookies Ann Landers Psychic Friends Network Dianetics Cold fusion Playboy and/or Playgirl Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll Biorhythms Area 57 (Art Bell) EST Television Mantras Jimmy Swaggart Crystals (not including Crystal Gayle) Human Sacrifice Wandering around in desert Burning shrubbery Other: 6. Have you ever worshiped a false God before? Is so, which false God were you fooled by? (Please check all that apply.) Odin Cthulhu Lottery Baal Beelzebub The Almighty Dollar The Conservative Right Mick Jagger Bill Gates Art Bell The Great Pumpkin Ronald Reagan A burning cabbage Mushrooms Other: 7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Would you prefer (circle one only) a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know - what's Divine Intervention? 8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following: (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent) Disasters: 1 2 3 4 5 Flood 1 2 3 4 5 Famine 1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 War 1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 Plague 1 2 3 4 5 AOL 1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress 1 2 3 4 5 Dubya 1 2 3 4 5 My present relationship 1 2 3 4 5 My last relationship Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 Rescues 1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 Stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks 1 2 3 4 5 Clear and competent statements by the President 1 2 3 4 5 My present relationship 1 2 3 4 5 My last relationship 9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent): 1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy 1 2 3 4 5 Answers to your prayers 1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met? 1 2 3 4 5 How are your shrubs doing? 10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach additional sheet(s) if necessary.) Disclaimer: This is a joke, only a joke. If you were offended by this, sorry about that!!