Well, I'm not really sure how to start this blog. I don't want to sound like a whiny wife or a cold hearted bitch but I guess that what I am.
I am giving up!!! I am giving up on any chance of ever having a happy marriage. It is just too much pain for me to keep putting myself and my children thru. I have busted my ass for 10yrs now and nothing has changed. I take that as my sign that it never will.
I met my husband 10 yrs ago and we hit it off just great. I could have never asked for a better man. We were like the perfect match. We had so many things in common and always agreed on everything. Never a dissagreement or argument over anything. We were always happy and smiling. We never wanted to spend one moment apart from each other. Now I can't say that about us.
These days the only time we speak to each other is when we are fighting. Seems like these days we say "Fuck You" to each other more than we say 'I Love You". That doesn't sound like a marriage to me!!
He has turned out to be a very controlling man. It feels like he is trying to suck the life right out of me. I don't know what to do. I do know that I can't keep going on like this.
I have become a very mean and cold person that doesn't find happiness in anything that I do.
I am not the type of person that a man can control. Before any of you reading this gets the wrong idea, NO, I do not expect him to just sit back and allow me to do whatever I want and never object to anything. I don't want to just come and go as I please and him just be right there at my beckon call. All I want is to be able to have a life within my marriage. To have friends without any jealousy. To have the chance to go somewhere without 1000 questions. To walk into the other room without him following me and staring over my shoulder to make sure I am not doing anything wrong. Trust is a huge issue with me and he doesn't trust me at all.
I am not even allowed to go get a damn pack of cigs without him making me take one of our children with me. WTF???
The way I feel is if he doesnt doesn't trust me to do those things then what do we have.
I am a good wife!! I tell my husband everything I do and everything I say to a person.
I have busted my ass for 10yrs trying to make this man happy and the only time I have seen him truley happy was when I had nothing and had to depend on him soley for everything.
I can not live my life like that!!!
He thinks that I should have no friends,no job, no money, no car, or anything else that would give me a link to the outside world!! He thinks that marriage means I am suppose to do nothing but cater my life around him. That I should do only what he wants and tells me to do. That I should keep the house clean, the kids took care of, his food on the table, and my legs spread wide open every damn night.!!.
Well I am not that person!!!!!
He doesn't help me with anything, and the way I look at it is, I didnt make these babies by myself so why should I be the only one to raise them.
My middle son who is 6yrs old palyed t-ball this year and my husband only attended 2 of his 20 games. Now my oldest son who is 12 has started playing football and my husband hasn't made it to one practice so far. My son has football practice every day at 6pm so for me thats cleaning the house and cooking super before we go, then I'm there for 2 1/2hrs with all 3 of our children. Trying to keep a 4yr old and a 6yr old occupied for that long of a time with no where to sit or paly isn't a very easy thing to do. After practice I have to come home and feed, bathe and put to bed all of my children by myself!!! HELLO!!! If I have to do all this by myself then why not just be alone.
By the time I get all this done and can finally go to bed its usually 2am and then all he wants to do is have sex!!! WTH!!
I am too busy being the maid and mother of 3 to be his personal whore..
On top of being a maid and a mother I also am the only one who runs the roads all day paying the bills and buying the groceries. All he thinks he has to do is go to work and come home. He thinks just becasue he works and makes the money for the bills that his job as a father and husband has been done.
Well I don't know bout you guys but I was in no way raised that way.
My mother and father had thier trouble just like every other couple in this world but I never seen my mother have to ask my father to help her with anything. If my dad came in the house and seen that the dishes needed washed and she was busy doing something else then bygod he did it. He never waited around on her to say "hey can u wash the dishes?".
I have talked with my husband about our problems many times and I always get the same response from him. He say "what do you need from me to be happy?". I tell him and it goes good for a week or so but then he falls right back into being the same ole selfish ass he was before.
He doesn't want our marriage to end but yet he doesn't want to do anything to help it get better!!
He believes that the entire problem with our marriage is me and that I am the only one who needs to change.
I admitt I am alot of the problem these days but thats because I have become somewhat numb to him. I have delt with his crap for so long that I just can't keep pretending to be happy anymore.
I am not trying to lay full blame of my marriage being in shambles right now on him. I have my faults too, but the majority of our problems do stem from him. Yes there are some things I could work on or change and I have let him know that I am more than willing to do that for him. I have also tried my hardest to do them. I have given up on it though.
What's the use for me to work on having a better marriage if he isn't going to do anything. I mean it does take 2 to tango right? One person alone cannot fix the problems of 2. What's the use for me to bust my ass when all he is gonna do is sit on his ass.
Well I guess that's enough venting,whining, and bitching for now!!!
