This will sound weird to anyone who doesn't really know me. I am a good mom, sister, aunt, daughter, friend and so on. But sometimes I just get so down in the dumps. This last month has been the worst. I have some really good friends on here but lately I feel so alone. To get to the heart of it... I have been in a twelve year relationship. We have been on the downhill slide for years now. I know I am not happy, and I am sure he isn't either. I guess we are more friends than anything. Why we are still together is anyones guess. I guess I feel trapped.
When I first joined fubar, it was just something to do. I had people to chat with 24/7. Oh do I ever need a life! I never meant to lead anyone on or meet anyone online for a meaningless or meaningful relationship. Unfortunately, that changed. I wasn't looking. But someone on here and I started to chat, then IM, then on the phone two or three times a day. Yes, I got use to it. He was part of my life. We decided we would meet in person and see how things went. But then I found out he had lied to me about so many things (I wasn't the only one here), so that meeting didn't happen. I felt so stupid, lost, used, hurt and worthless. What a fool! Another online friend helped me outta that feeling. I was going to delete my fubar account, but he talked me outta of that. He was one of the first few people I exchanged comments and shouts with. But I haven't been able to reach him for a few days.
My RL friends all have moved away. The last two just in the last couple of months. I hate where I live. I even told my son and 'him' not to be surprised if I got up and left one day. So the last time I talked to my online friend, I told him I thought I was going thru a mid-life crisis or had 'empty nest syndrome' since my son started college. He said "You just need to have an affair!" (If he only knew that if he said the word, I'd probably jump at the chance to go visit him. Actually, I think he knows it). An affair is not what I want, I just want to move on.
I am so scared. I have been hurt so many times. I am afraid to let anyone in anymore because they leave. I sit here and cry a lot. I really hate most online social networks because it is all the same crap... popularity contests, who is the prettiest...too much like high school...or real life. I hated high school! I am not even sure where I am going with this. I just know I needed to get it out.
Yes, I know what co-dependency is. Oh believe me I am not co-dependent! I just want to pack a few things and get away...for how long? I dunno. Maybe I need to move on! How will I know if I don't try? That is why I am so scared. How do I know that someone won't hurt me, lie to me, or reject me again?
My 'adopted' daughter and her girls moved and I might see them a few times a month. I feel like I am not needed, in the way or just a bother. I have so much to give and no one to give too.
Well the tears have stopped for the moment...
