Another vacation week has come and gone, and instead of going away, and calming down somewhere, possibly in a warmer climate, I once again spent my entire week WORKING. Why, you ask? Eh, quite frankly this is all self-imposed torture. I'm so paranoid about the website not making enough $$ to sustain itself, that I'm constantly tyring to find ways to build traffic and revenue. Mind you, this has nothing to do with the
Opie and Anthony thing. I'm not whining that they're not on the air, because while it used to have a bearing on traffic, it doesn't so much anymore. We've got so many relationships with other sites these days, and so much of a global audience with
FoundryMusic, that whether or not the radio show is referring to the website makes very little difference...maybe I'll see a 4K or 5K swing in visitors, but that's not going to break any records.
So I panic about keeping the website online...but that's only part of it. A very small part actually. This week has just been shitty for me. It's the 11 year
anniversary of my sister's death, and why, after ELEVEN years it's hitting me like a dump truck, I don't know. It could be that I stopped drinking this year. Then again, I wasn't really drinking when she died (wait, that's a lie. I remember falling asleep in a chair with a gallon of Jack Daniels in my paw). I guess I just wish I had someone to lean on, and siblings are the first ones you turn to in times of need sometimes...and when you don't have one anymore, it just makes you feel that much more alone. Well, it makes ME feel alone. I won't generalize.
I'm in this 'program' now, and it's supposed to help me deal with all of these stresses with a new set of tools, so that I'm not inclined to reach for a bottle to numb away the pain like I used to. I'll be totally honest with you; this is A LOT of work. Asking God (or a higher power) to take away the pain isn't always a realistic option. Sometimes, I'll admit... it works. Other times, he leaves you hanging and there isn't much stopping you from jumping across the table and tearing the eyes out of someone who has decided to fuck with you that day.
As you can tell, I have a bit of a rage issue. Tee hee. Mixing it with booze was a bad idea, so now that I don't have that catalyst, I have to rely on this thing called 'self control' to prevent me from choking the shit out of those who desperately need it.
I'll tell you, there's some days that the hurt and the sadness get so much, it doesn't take much to send me into lunatic mode. Lately, I've been carrying around so much hurt, that it takes a slight deviation in thought to turn it all into hate and rage. I can actually see myself grabbing another human being by the hair, and punching him until he dies. Obviously I don't, but I sure can visualize it. Some days, I just want to be left alone. Not get needled...not get pestered...not get picked on. Obviously, I've picked an interesting profession if that's what I'm trying to avoid, right?
I have the option of going to a BBQ this Sunday with a bunch of (former) drunks. I may just do it, to be honest. I need to get out and socialize more...stop stewing in my own anger and grief. It's not productive. Every morning, I say it, and I need to learn it... "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".
I can't bring her back. I can't change what happened 11 years ago. All I can do is focus on today. My life. today. Making the best I can out of the hands I've been dealt.
Someone needs to make a pill that relieves you of emotion... just temporarily.
Miss you, sis.
