Tuere's blog: "Random Musings"

I have needed to get things off my chest for a long time because it has affected so much I have done since. Not making much sense am I? Ever have a conversation with someone, that you NEED to have, but were scared to have it? That this is what I have done in my past type conversation. Not that I ever claimed to be an angel. Actually, my Mom always said I was 90% devil, 10% angel as a kid. Her little imp. Well the conversation I had with my boyfriend last night has opened up things I feel I should get out...for good. My current boyfriend is truly the love of my life and I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him. He is heaven sent and I have to pinch myself to believe that he's with me, he loves me, he wants to spend his life with me and my boys. Cloud nine has a permanent resident. We talked about how we need to keep communication open and honest. it's so important, and I told him that I trust him but I have had issues in the past. I have had things go on that makes me hesitate in opening up. I told him briefly about an ex that I was with, years ago...a guy who was young but completely took over things in my life. And I allowed it to happen. I will take the responsibility for it. During the first six months it was fun, we had common interests, we played the same game online and spent most of our free time together. Things started changing with little digs on my timeliness...being late coming in from work..saying that I was too stupid for this or berating me for something else. If I did turn out and do something he deemed wrong, it turned into a bitch session. at first only 20 minutes..not bad right,....he got over it we are done. Cool. Next time it was 30 minute rant...soon I was getting dumped on for hours... in voice chat no less. He could hear me typing if I tried to send a message to someone...let's just say my confidence was shattered after awhile. I didn't think I deserved anything better. SO for the longest time. I looked for the lowest common denominator and hope that something could grow. No wonder my other relationships didn't work right?? Then I didn't date for a few years...and now...I believe I do deserve happiness. Everyone does. Am I over everything? no...I won't be for a while, but I have people who love me. I know that are there for me, and that I can turn to when I need strength. *Deep Breath* Letting go is easier when you have something positive to hold on to.