George Carlin's New Rules For 2006:
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
classmates.com! There's a reason you don't
talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't
particularly like them! Besides, I already know
what the captain of the football team is doing
these days: --- mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you
out a window unless you're a seagull. People are
acting all shocked that a human finger was found
in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain, Trout?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have
sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently
damaged. I have a better description for these kids:
lucky bastards.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's
how much men care about your eyebrows: do you
have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.
There's a whole aisle of this crap (water) at the supe-
remarket, but without that watery taste. Sorry, flavored
water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water?
Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your
flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is
introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with
a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by
the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will
be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just
solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order,
the bigger the ass hole. If you walk into a Starbucks
and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla,
double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice,
with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh,
you're a huge ass hole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look
up from sliding my card, entering my PIN, pressing "Enter," verifying
the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back,
and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to
be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese
characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right
above the crack of your ass. And it translates to
"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything
spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant.
You're not spiritual. You're just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of
the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the
US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching
those athletes at the poker table was just too damned
exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait.
They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard
Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm
extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used
to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new
homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the
stuff you want and having other people buy it for you
isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.
and I got this from:
LADY GODIVA
@ LostCherry
she's awesome, show her some love
