As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
It's never just a game when you're winning.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
Life.....is a series of dogs.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show.
When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Keep thy religion to thyself.
When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
Religion convinced the world that there's an invisible man in the sky who watches everything you do. And there's 10 things he doesn't want you to do or else you'll go to a burning place with a lake of fire until the end of eternity. But he loves you! ...And he needs money! He's all powerful, but he can't handle money!
This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.
