LilSheDevil926's blog: "Funny"

What do you expect from such simple creatures!? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood, ALL the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes. No wonder men are happier

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woke him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up." *Some Men are just not equipped for these kinds of contests.*

God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give you back the other ten." So God agreed. On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span." The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed. On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years" The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God agreed again. On the fourth day God created man. "God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I'll give you a span of twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow didn't want and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the dog refused, that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God, "you've got a deal." So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone. Life has now been explained to you.

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..." The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

1.) My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning!" 2.) My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet!" 3.) My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL - "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock your into the middle of next week!" 4.) My mother taught me Logic - "Because I said so, that's why!" 5.) My mother taught me FORESIGHT - "Make sure you wear clean underwear, incase you're in an accident!" 6.) My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about!" 7.) My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!" 8.) My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!" 9.) My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished!" 10.) My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room." 11.) My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?" 12.) My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times; Don't exaggerate!!!" 13.) My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it!" 14.) My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap before putting away his fishing gear. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?""Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?") "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left. MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think .

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS. 2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND. 3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S ASS AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO. 4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO. 5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH. 6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!" 7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US. 8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT. 9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN. 10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?) 11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT. 12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.
COPY THIS AND POST IT SO ALL THE GIRLS YOU KNOW WHO LIKE TO HAVE FUN CAN SEE IT. MAKE THEM LAUGH AT THEMSELVES LIKE YOU PROBABLY DID BEACUSE SADLY, MANY OF THESE ARE TRUE!!

Three men were sitting together, bragging about how they had been giving their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Indiana, and bragged tha t he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. The second man had married a woman from Utah. He bragged that he hadgiven his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married a Missouri girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything. The second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and telephone a landscaper. Gotta love us Missouri girls!!!!