1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak
knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab
anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in
the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your
table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at
their reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most
Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore
your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth
audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you
don't know what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table
with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works
very well in fancier venues that use linen
tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if
you are female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include
pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when
your date begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has
any live food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat
more from their plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth
full and spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of
it being placed in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to
the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a
different part of the restaurant. Order another meal.
When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in
the hell took you so long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the
table next to you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food
from their plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their
derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away
from the windows, where you have a you have a good
view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to
the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as
salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral
arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't
bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the
waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few
minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never
got". When the waiter returns with another potato for
you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat
later in the meal.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or
comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy.
Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to
twist their words around.
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal
experience.
41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or
ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you
return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear
on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they
just need airing out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing
on the menu. Take one bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal
get up and arrange them around the table in a circle.
Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that
you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old
mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually
feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table.
Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time,
taking advantage of the free refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little
pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite
of everything on the plate, to make sure no one
poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds
(if any) to pay the bill.
53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've
brought along.
55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently
get ill.
