cunninlinguist's blog: "Funny Stuff!"

The federal government is sending each and everyone of us a $600 rebate. If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China. If we spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs. If we purchase a computer it will go to India . If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala . If we purchase a good car it will go to Japan . If we purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan... and none of it will help the American economy. The only way to keep that money here at home is to buy prostitutes, weed, beer, cigarettes, whiskey, and tattoos since these are the only products still produced in the USA . Thank you for your help & please support the US.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With a deep breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen where, if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. His aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. Get outta here!" she shouted, "They're for the funeral!"

Well one day Harry the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her. She had been shot. Dead! Harry was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier. So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is "I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!" Well this got on Harry's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is, "I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!" So out with the loon. Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was..... No, the duck didn't say THAT!!!! ... Don't be SO disgusting. ! The duck said, "I am a DRAKE , you've made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!

By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"... In order to continue getting by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS". With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in. Now, here goes... The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service somewhere in the good old USA today...... Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees." Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???" Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs." Room Service: "Ow July den?" Guest: ".....What??" Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?" Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please." Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?" Guest: "Crisp will be fine." Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?" Guest: "What?" Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?" Guest: "I... don't think so." RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???" Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means." RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?" Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!!; I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RoomService: "We bodder?" Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side." RoomService: "Wad?!?" Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side." RoomService: "Copy?" Guest: "Excuse me?" RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?" Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything." RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??" Guest: "Whatever you say." RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds." Guest: "You're welcome" Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS'

Step 1: Abandon all logic. Girls don't use it and you certainly shouldn't allow it to handicap you.
Step 2: If you believe strongly in something, do NOT give in to any aspect of it. Compromise is useless against girls, because they will rationalize that if they can get you to concede to one element, they can get you to quit on the whole fucking Periodic Table. (There’s nothing like a little chemistry humor, right?)
Step 3: Don't be afraid to take cheap shots. Ever argue with a girl about something and they randomly insult you with something that has no relevance to the argument? That's their way of trying to wear you down and push you off-topic. Fight fire with fire, I say. Tell her she has a fat ass, small boobs, an ugly face, disorienting facial hair, unwieldy hips, and is a genuinely awful person.
Step 4: Cite precedent. Girls have no concept of historical factors relating to the current situation. Most girls reading this just went over to dictionary.Com to see what "precedent" meant.
Step 5: Interrupt her. Don't let her talk. Girls hate that like they hate other girls. It's hilarious, too. They get all frazzled.
Step 6: Don't take her seriously. Laugh at every point she deems serious in nature. Fart, if possible. Derail her emotional train.
Step 7: If the argument escalates, cut off all communication with her. If a girl can't find you, she can't continue arguing about bullshit. Change your phone number, relocate, and get a name change if you must.
Step 8: Don't be fooled by "Let's stop arguing please." That's their way of making you let your guard down, so they can swoop in after you're worn down. Instead, say something like "Yeah, all this being right is exhausting for me” Pisses them off. Just trust me.
Step 9: Compare her unfavorably with another girl. This is especially effective if the comparison is with a girl that they simply abhor. Tell her something like, "Lisa is so much more compassionate than you."Girls hate other girls, like a deer hates a shotgun. And how do you take down a deer? Exactly!
Step 10: Don't be intimidated by the water works. That's their ultimate contingency, knowing that guys can't deal with a crying girl. Stay strong; don’t let yourself get emotional, just think of something funny. Replay scenes from "Office Space" in your head if you must.
Step 11: Bust out, "I don't feel like fighting. I've proven my point." Then stop. Leave the argument. It pisses them off because a guy's natural reaction is to resolve, whereas a girl's is to continue forever and ever until the end of time until they hear that they are right. If a guy decides that he is right and won't budge, their whole concept of male-female relations is shot to shit. Again, mind games!
Step 12: Ask her if she's on the rag. Self-explanatory!
Step 13: When all else fails, tell her she's just like her mother. It's an ace-in-the-hole and will emotionally cripple her to such a degree she may even forget her whole argument. Remember, girls are the less intelligent of the genders. All throughout history men have out-thought, out-invented, and out-created women in every facet of existence. Isn't it about time we won an argument for once?

Father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said: "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The boy, bless his heart, answered; "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching. But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said, 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' "Well, I guess I just panicked ".

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego , was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. Linda is a blonde, but I'm sure that is irrelevant.

Life would be much better lived backwards. You'd start out dead and get it out of the way. Then, wake up in an old peoples home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready to start School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then ........ You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, And then, you finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.